Like every other internet tabloid-reading woman in America, I saw the photos today of Kate Gosselin opening a can of whupass on her 5 year old daughter. And yep, I’ve seen the predictable comments and responses on various sites, mostly some variation on, “Children need to be hit! My parents hit me and I’m JUST FINE. Blah. Blah. Blah.”
So sad.
Look at that photo again. Replace the small, defenseless, dependent child you see with a small, defenseless, dependent 90 year old woman. Let’s say it’s Kate Gosselin’s grandmother, who lives with the family. And let’s say the old woman – who has age-related dementia – kept annoyingly blowing a whistle while Ms. Gosselin was attempting to talk on the phone, which precipitated her being physically attacked “spanked” by Kate Gosselin. Would America find this okay? Why is it still okay in 2009 – after we’ve long since moved past the idea that husbands have the right to physically discipline their wives, or that jailers have the right to physically discipline their inmates – for an adult woman to haul off and hit a 50 pound child in anger? How is it that we go bananas if we hear of someone hitting a dog in anger, but it’s still acceptable for parents to hit their children?
I get as frustrated as the next mama when my kids push me too far. But just like I don’t hit other family members when they do things that aren’t okay, I don’t hit my children. I don’t want my sons growing up believing that it’s acceptable to hit smaller, weaker family members who step out of line, and I don’t want my daughters to grow up believing that this is something they should accept from people they love who happen to be bigger or stronger or more powerful in some way. We are a family. We don’t hit each other. Period.
Am I saying that anyone who occasionally spanks their child is abusive? No, I’m not. We’re all human, and we all operate within a culture that generally accepts physical discipline of children. If that’s the parenting milieu in which we are raising our children, then “spanking” (a sterile euphemism) likely to be one of the “tools” in our parenting toolbox. And of course, many/most of us were indeed spanked as children, and we want to believe that it left no lasting damage.
But I hope that as people see the rage on Kate Gosselin’s visage in that photo, and the hurt and pain and shame on her tiny child’s face, it will maybe cause some folks to revisit their views on this hot-button parenting issue. What would we look like, or what would our own child look like if someone happened to snap a photo at the moment when our hand came down? Probably a lot like the photo you see above. And it’s not a pretty picture.
My children may not always behave perfectly (they definitely do not), but no matter what they do, I will never, ever regret my decision early on to eschew physical “discipline.” The lesson of choosing peace when violence is available is far more powerful than any lesson they might learn via a good “spanking.”
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I've spanked, usually when I've felt too overwhelmed or frustrated or angry to come up with a better option. So I don't judge other parents who do, but I always knew by the shame and regret I felt immediately afterward that it was the wrong choice.
I haven't spanked in years and it's not because I don't still get angry or frustrated…I think it's because I remember how horrible and out-of-control I felt when I did spank and don't want to feel that way again. And also because it didn't ever work, at least not the way it's "supposed" to.
Some will argue that spanking should always be done calmly and with forethought but frankly, I find that a little creepy. I can see why parents lose it and lash out, either out of anger or fear (kids bolting into the street is a trigger for me), but when you've got the time and perspective to sit and make a choice, why not make a BETTER choice?
I generally have a live-and-let-live attitude toward other people's parenting choices, but I just don't see a time when spanking is a necessity. I know it happens and I know why and I empathize with parents who lose it, but I can't see consciously making it part of my "toolbox".
I hit Jane once when she was a preschooler, and I've grabbed all 3 older kids in a harsh way before – although not in years. It didn't teach any of them anything, and it didn't solve anything, and it made me feel terrible. The kids were horrified on the few occasions that this happened. I will never forget the shock on their faces when they realized I was being physically harsh with them.
I totally agree that it's more understandable to me when someone loses it and hits a child than when they hit calmly and with a plan of action.
My post above is not about any individual parent. It's about our cultural attachment to this last acceptable form of family violence. I want us to have a conversation about it, and think about it in a new way.
-Katie
I knew you weren't talking about any specific mom
though I do feel kind of bad for Kate, that that picture is out there. I cringe to think that there could have been pictures of ME like that out there. Like you said, not pretty.
One thing I have to work on is YELLING. My family is loud, often everyone talks at once and I've become accustomed to, er, talking loudly to be heard above the fray. Problem is, when I'm actually angry or upset, my "talking loudly to be heard" voice sometimes starts to sound a lot more like "rageful screaming". And I've seen by the looks on my kids' faces that it DOES affect them–I can remember how awful it felt to be yelled at when I was a kid, too. Sometimes I have to remind myself that parenting in peace about the total package, you know?
Great post Katie. I don't have kids, as you know, but I'm very interested in these issues. It really makes you think when you replace the child with another dependent family member. Like you said, I do hope that we can open up the discussion in a different way. My best friend worked in behavior modification with preschoolers and their families. One of the more infamous quotes she got from one of her parents was, "I whup her and whup her and nothing works." Betsy just said "Well, for one, maybe 'whupping her' isn't the answer."
I have to admit, I find this incredibly unsurprising. I don't regularly watch their show, but if I'm flipping past, I used to watch for a little bit. And then I realized that most of the time, I was seeing her hit her husband.
Now, obviously, she's not big or strong enough to actually hurt him. But in a way, that makes it worse. She could hit him and know he wouldn't defend himself or he'd look like the bad guy.
But dang. You don't regularly hit your spouse when you're annoyed with them, even if it doesn't physically hurt them. It's really gross.
And I can't believe that how many people talk about what a crappy husband he is (and yeah, he doesn't seem like a charmer), but neglect to mention that she hits him.
So, yeah, it doesn't surprise me at all that she hits her kids. That seems to be established already as her way of dealing with things.
I'm so with you on this. I can't believe we are having this debate in 2010. I, too, can totally, totally understand how a parent could lose it but they should feel terrible and try very, very hard to never do it again and if it becomes a constant form of 'discipline' then I think they should seek counseling. I love the analogy of hitting dogs that you bring up. A young mom in my mommy group hits and yells (I've only seen her spank once but I think it is because she knows I am very anti-spanking). I find it very stressful to be around her these days and it is ineffective in changing her daughter's behavior. My friend Laura says the best thing about never hitting your child is that when they hit you (or a sibling or a playmate) you can say "I know you are angry but we do not hit."
Is Kate actual spanking the child in the photo? It is hard to tell. I sure hope not. Sometimes pictures can be deceiving. Today at the library my 2 year old sprinted off in a parking lot that was very busy with moving cars and I had the baby in my other arm and all I could reach was her hair. I didn't pull it but I did grab it and she stopped. If she didn't stop it may have gotten a big yank though and I'm sure that picture would look horrible.
Mamatried: I think that this particular series of photos is pretty clear (although I agree that sometimes pix can be UNclear), but in any case, Kate Gosselin has confirmed that she was indeed wacking her child: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31410810/ns/entertain…
-kag
I actually think putting these photos on the front page of nationally distributed magazine is in many ways worse than the purported spanking that was captured by photographs. Thanks to the Internet, these images will haunt this little girl for the rest of her life. It is a regrettable invasion of her privacy.
Was this a spanking? I can't tell from these shots, they're too small. I do think spanking should be avoided, especially the premeditated, "You need a whooping" type. Ocassionally losing it happens, at folks have noted.
My parents spanked for 'clear spanking offenses' as in 'you do that one more time, and I'm going to spank you.' It was rare, it was humiliating more than causing physical pain (one stinging swat on the bottom with a bare hand) and it was followed by a hug and a discussion on 'why Mommy had to spank you.' It was never administered as a way for Mom or Dad to let off steam because they lost their temper with you. Not what I would choose to do, but not what I would consider abuse.
In this case, the absence of the hug and talk it over afterwards is what makes it really humiliating. And the fact that Mommy can just 'lose it' and hit me when she feels out of control must be very frightening. No one should have to live with that. We felt shamed when our parents spanked us, but not afraid of them. They did other things that felt more shameful to me, like the 'I'm disappointed in you' talk.
I don't have kids. I spanked one child as a babysitter once and I did it because I was angry and lost my temper. I have babysit other kids whom I had to go over and physically remove from doing something I had told them repeatedly not to do, or have grabbed them, sometimes less than gently because they were in harms' way, but I never spanked again. Same with dogs. I hit my dog once because I was frustrated, not because it was a way to teach her how to behave.
I just think that if you spank, how can you teach your child not to hit? Children learn to hit mostly on their own. How can I say "hands are not for hitting" and then turn around and spank the child? Spanking is a quick fix & only makes you, the parent, feel better fast. I don't hit & never will- even if my child didn't have ASD. It just isn't a tool I use. Thanks for the post, KT
Amen.
I was only spanked once as a very young child, and I was being particularly awful at the time and deserved it (I rarely ever misbehaved), but it really didn't do any good and my parents never bothered with spanking again.
What always DID work on me was my mother's habit (one we share, when angry) of icing up, clamming up, freezing the object of our anger out – the silent treatment. I would have frankly rather been spanked a thousand times than have my mother p.o.'d at me and giving me the silent treatment. Shudder.
Matter of fact, at 43 years old, it STILL works on me. Heh.
She's an awful human being who has made her fortune off of the backs of her eight innocent children, so I wasn't surprised when I learned that she is physically abusive, too. "They" say that a photo is worth a thousand words. Wanna see the REAL Kate Gosselin? Look at that cover. Hitting her kids, outraged and defiant, and having to defend herself to a cop. Yep, those kids have a great life ahead of them.