I agree with Katie Couric: avoid becoming a “displaced homemaker”
Posted on 06/03/2009 07:04 pm by kagranju
I was so pleased to hear what Katie Couric said when she addressed the graduating class of Princeton this week. Young women need to hear Couric’s message more explicitly, and more often. Here’s what Couric advised:
I have a message particularly for all you young women here today…or as Beyonce might say, all the single ladies. John Lennon, once wrote “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”
I’m sure you are all graduating with big career goals. You may also have a dream of being married and having a family, and at some point the career may take a backseat. There is no more challenging, rewarding or important job than being a mom. I just want to say this–sometimes dreams of domestic bliss are interrupted by reality. People get divorced. People die. You need to protect yourself. I was very happily married to a wonderful man. He was diagnosed with colon cancer and nine months later, he was gone. I was a single mom with two very young children. This was not part of the plan. Luckily, I had a career and therefore the financial independence to support my children. Many women in my situation are not nearly as fortunate. And while I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, I want you all to be prepared for the unexpected and approach some of the big life decisions you’ll be making with your eyes wide open.
Word.
Here’s what I will advise my own daughters: even if I you have a spouse who earns plenty of money to support you and your children, you should remain employed at least part-time. If you take a year or two off to mother your baby full-time – a wonderful luxury – you shouldn’t let that year or two of complete and total focus on mothering then turn into five or ten where you are totally removed from the wage-earning workforce. At least do some part-time or freelance work when the kids are at school. Keep your resume well-updated, and make sure your networking connections are in good order. Update your skills or education periodically…even if you consider yourself primarily a stay-at-home mother. In short, be prepared.
Why? Because as too many women continue to learn the hard way, you never know what’s going to happen. Life throws curveballs, and women are hit in the head with them way too often. (Trust me. I know this first-hand. As do my mother, and several good friends.)
No woman ever believes that her breadwinning husband will be the one to suddenly drop dead. Or the one to have a midlife crisis where he hooks up (and then runs off) with his high school sweetheart after locating her on Facebook. But it happens all the time, shocking the wives/mothers left behind to pick up the pieces. And I also think that a lot of married, stay-at-home moms have a naive and profound misunderstanding of divorce law — of how assets would be divided and alimony would be paid should the worst happen. They think that they would receive fair credit and financial compensation for the years they stayed home. But the truth is that alimony hardly exists anymore, and it won’t do you much good to get half the 401K if you then have to spend it all to pay for your lawyer, and for food and a place to live until you can find some kind of job.
This all sounds really depressing, but I really don’t see it that way. It’s just reality. And it doesn’t mean that many marriages don’t survive intact until the very end, with one spouse earning most of the money and the other happily tending the home fires. But if that’s the route a woman chooses, she needs to have her eyes wide open regarding the risks. And she should give some though to ways she can ameliorate those risks in the event that one of those curveballs knocks her to her knees. She should know that she has the skills and wage earning options available so that she could get back up, and stand on her own.
READ MORE OF MY BLOGGING AT BABBLE.com
OR AT ACKERMANIA. YOU CAN ALSO FOLLOW ME ON FACEBOOK OR TWITTER.
06/03/2009 at 8:06 pm
Thanks for sharing both Katie Couric’s remarks and your opinion. I couldn’t agree more. I had been married for 10 years with an infant son when my husband died suddenly. I count myself blessed every day that I was already the sole financial support and working full time at the time of his death. If I had had to worry about money at the same time I was worried about everything else in my life, it would have made things a million times more difficult.
Your post has got me thinking, and I’ll definitely link to it in a future post for the Widowed Moms section of http://www.typeamom.net (which I edit and contribute to).
Thanks again for sharing.
06/03/2009 at 8:43 pm
Don’t just be ready to go back to work if you need to. Protect your share of the financial assets now. Instead of putting all your retirement savings into the main breadwinner’s 401(k) homemakers should have their own IRA’s that funds get deposited into, and other mutual funds or some other savings vehicle if necessary to make those sums equal what’s going in the 401(k) of the breadwinner. This is only fair. Insist on it.
Your house, your cars, any other big assets should have both your names on them. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s ‘easier’ to just have one name on them.
Always have a bank account and credit card in your own name that’s independent of the spouse’s.
Be sure wills and other beneficiary designations are up to date, esp. if either of you have been married before.
06/03/2009 at 9:03 pm
I don’t think planning to be a parent and only allotting a year or two to spend with the baby full time is the best scenario for any mama and child. I believe the ideal amount of time to focus on raising a child would be until the baby is old enough to start real school-if financially possible. Why should a woman have kids if she’s not going to invest her time in them while they are so little? I do agree with the other advice, though. It’s always wise to be prepared.
06/03/2009 at 9:04 pm
Or you can have a wonderful marriage with a great spouse who hits a lay-off or a medical emergency or what-have-you. I am very grateful that my freelance now and again (and sometimes more) jobs translated into the ability to get a full-time job when that needed to happen. I’m watching so many people on my blogrolls/friend lists who are being hit hard by the stupid economy upending their spouses’ career plans. We should all have the ability to support ourselves because life really does happen in ways we didn’t ever expect.
06/04/2009 at 9:09 am
Just wanted to say your blog continues to provide useful and interesting food for thought. This whole mama bear/working mother/striving for work/life balance thing is tricky, but it is useful to keep in mind the worst case scenario(s) in maintaining at least some focus on my professional development and advancement.
06/04/2009 at 10:30 am
This is a wonderful point, and something I hope my daughter will always keep in mind. I was active duty in the military, and if my daughter hadn’t been born a few months after I reenlisted for four years, I’d have almost certainly gotten out in order to be a stay at home mom because I wanted that so much!
When she was two, her father and I divorced. I was lucky to have a secure job so there was never a financial hardship.
06/04/2009 at 10:46 am
Dawn,
You are so right. My sister is a registered nurse, but she never stopped working entirely after her 2 kids were born. For a long time, she worked just 3rd shift weekend nights. Twice, when my brother-in-law was laid off from an engineering job, she was able immediately to switch to full-time to cover their expenses. (Yes, another factor in their success was that they lived frugally enough that an RN’s salary could easily cover expenses for a family of 4.)
06/04/2009 at 1:22 pm
This is some good stuff. Thanks so much Katie.
06/05/2009 at 6:06 am
Katie, this is great advice! This is something that continually bothers me about the stay-at-home mommy movement. Yes, it’s a valid choice to stay at home with the children. It’s also very dangerous to hang half the family’s earning potential out to dry.
I’m actually writing about something similar at the Shopper-News this week, my grandmother whose husband died suddenly in the 1950′s, leaving her with one young daughter and another on the way. Remarkable woman!
Diane, I’m more than a little offended that you’re trying to say who should and should not have children. My mother worked full time, and I never felt deprived. I’m working full time, and my son has tons of attention from me and the rest of the family. Here’s hoping you typed something you didn’t quite mean.
06/05/2009 at 10:27 am
I think there’s wisdom here, and I also thought Leslie Bennetts had good points in The Feminine Mistake. But staying home for a few years is a risk I’m willing to take. I have education and work experience behind me. Also a career that should not be difficult to reenter. If my husband dies, the house is paid off and I collect enough life insurance so I will not have to immediately job hunt. I have in-laws who almost surely would put me up for a while. I’m sure it would be tough but I’m not willing to work while my kids are little because of this small risk. However, once they’re in school, I think it would be foolish just to continue staying home–I’m definitely conscious of not staying out of the workforce too long. As for divorce, I believe our risk is very low, and that road would be tougher, but I’m confident I could survive it given the resources I have.
06/05/2009 at 12:37 pm
Shannon, sorry if you were offended by your interpretation of my words. I think you’re reading more into what I’ve written than what was actually said. Remember, my point of reference is different than yours. That said, I was commenting on how “I” feel about parenting not about how “you” should live your life. It’s swell that your son gets lot’s of attention and thing’s are working out for your family. Although, I still think it’s much better for a child to spend the formative years with their mother (or father) instead of being influenced by total stranger’s in daycare or a poser “school” (since I don’t know these people personally and things aren’t always what they seem. ) I believe the indicator is that way,far too many people get caught up making money, keeping up with the neighbor’s and buying into whatever the media feeds them, instead of sacrificing for a few years to spend optimum time with their children. In my life, I’ve striven to focus more on my children (particularly when they’re pre-school age) because money comes and goes. I’m aware that this isn’t possible for many families,and that’s really sad for society. But, IMO the impossibility of staying fiscally afloat while children are little doesn’t negate the reality of what’s most likely ideal for a small child.
06/05/2009 at 6:10 pm
Diane, I”m not going to shanghai Katie’s blog with a flamewar, so this is all I have to say on the matter.
“Why should a woman have kids if she’s not going to invest her time in them while they are so little?”
There’s not a whole lot to interpret there. Here’s why a woman who works should have kids: because she chooses to. When you ask the above question, you’re saying that I and other moms who work should not even have bothered having children.
You’re darn skippy my point of reference is different than yours. My point of reference doesn’t let me fool myself that I’m being inoffensive even as I judge others.
06/05/2009 at 8:35 pm
I didn’t marry until I was 30 and did not have children until I was 37 which has advantages and disadvantages. One advantage is that I was really used to taking care of myself financially for many years. Also, my husband and I both work for the state essentially so we make equivalent (modest) salaries so there is a lot of equality there. I took time off to care for my young children but when my husband had a very serious health scare this past fall (10 days after my second daughter was born) I was of course freaked out but I know in my heart that if something happened we (me and the girls) would be fine. We wouldn’t be rich but I could provide us a comfortable life. This is important for me to have at so many levels and gives me peace of mind.
And just to respond to both Diane and Shannon: sometimes as a mostly SAHM I have a tiny amount of resentment towards working moms because they have adult time, have (usually) more money coming in and also the ‘help’ raising their kids from family caregivers and daycare providers. But I also realize that many working moms have a tiny amount of resentment towards us SAHMs who get to spend so much time with our children. I think we should all swallow this and recognize that being a mom is simply hard sometimes whatever choices we make and just try and be supportive of each other (hope this makes sense).
06/05/2009 at 8:45 pm
Also, I didn’t mean to sound as preachy in that response as it seems when I just re-read it, sorry about that.
06/05/2009 at 9:53 pm
Yes, I agree, we should all support each other. Mommy Wars don’t do anything to increase the options and support for all mothers.
06/06/2009 at 5:56 am
Mamatried and Erin, I completely agree. I’m just about the only working mom I know. Yes, sometimes I get a bit jealous that my friends have time to do things like vacuum, but then I remember that the walls probably close in on them more often than they do me. No one has it any harder than anyone else.
I do have a problem with abdication of financial responsibility by SAHMs. It’s important to keep a hand in, and it’s equally important to be prepared to assume the breadwinner role if it becomes necessary.
I also have a problem with people who, no matter what semantic gymnastics they use to seem like they don’t, look down on a mom’s work/don’t work choice.
06/06/2009 at 9:12 am
Is it abdication of financial responsibility if you don’t have a hand in at the moment, but you have a clear idea of what you would do if the worst happened, and a thorough knowledge of all the financial matters in your family?
Yes, there are good messages in all the debate, but they get lost when people say things like working moms are letting the daycare raise their chidren, or people like Leslie Bennetts strongly imply that stay-at-home moms are ignorant and haven’t thought things through.
06/06/2009 at 10:19 am
Shannon, As a SAHM I find the comment on “abdication of financial responsibility” to be judgmental, frankly. In our family my husband may have the responsiblity for earning the money, but I have the responsibility for a whole lot of other areas which contribute to the financial well-being of our household–taking care of kids so we don’t have to pay others to do so, spending literally hours figuring out how to get the best deals on groceries, finding inexpensive ways to get my uninsurable, self-employed husband the medications he needs . . . and the list goes on. We are a family choosing to have a parent at home even though it means financial hardship for us. I know that other people–perhaps most other people–prefer financial security to having a parent at home, but we view having me at home as a necessity, not a luxury. I haven’t abdicated anything, I have just made a choice to turn my skills toward the family and community at this time. On that note, I think it’s important to mention the role at-home parents play in our children’s schools. Fewer and fewer of us are shouldering more and more of the volunteering responsibilities that working parents, understandably, find it difficult to take on. There are many ways of contributing to the good of one’s family and community other than financial.
As for the future, my philosophy is to do what is best for my family NOW, not compromise the present for fear of a future that may never come to pass. If it does, I’ll deal with it then.
06/06/2009 at 11:38 pm
I read Katie’s entry a few days ago and am still thinking about it.
First, I think: would a young woman who worked so hard to get into, and get a degree from, a university like Princeton need that advice? It seems a little dated.
And yet … I am 33, and through the miracle that is facebook have reconnected with lots of high school classmates. There are several women, my age, who went to college or got an associate’s degree, got married, and had kids. And haven’t had a job, ever, or at least not in the last 6-8 years. That *floors* me. I worked full time after my son was born, but when he turned two we moved, and now I work part time and have some freelance projects. I don’t like just relying on one income primarily, but that’s where we are right now, and I am working hard to bring in more.
I love being able to have more time with my son than a 40+ hour a week job allows. But I have other responsibilities, too. And fears, too … we have life insurance but in a worst case scenario, I don’t want to have to move in with my parents, you know?
06/07/2009 at 9:24 am
I know many women, including myself, who worked part-time with one child. Seems like most find it harder with two or more. Working part-time is actually my ideal, but sometimes it’s easier said than done. Personally, I don’t want to use childcare–when I worked part-time before, my husband was able to be with my daughter.
06/08/2009 at 12:20 am
Thanks for the post. All good points. My husband was laid off a couple months ago, and I started to think about working again. I took advantage of the fact that my husband was home and did some volunteer work–it felt really great to be using my brain again. I wrote about it here: http://gratitude365.blogspot.com/2009/04/do-i-look-productive.html
06/08/2009 at 5:31 am
My bad on the above comment, Leslie. I should have written “some SAHMs.” That is what I meant, and I’m truly sorry. My honest feelings are that it’s great to stay at home and it’s good to work, but balance must be found.
06/08/2009 at 11:56 am
I was going to comment on this post when I only saw two or three comments. For some reason I got distracted but decided to come back today…Wow, I am always surprised how women bash each other. If working is a necessity for your family then you do what you have to do, if you want to take some time off outside work and be a SAHM – its a great experience, if you can work a little and be a SAHM a little that is probably ideal. Honestly, I wish I could do that but it doesn’t work financially for our family. Everyone has different experiences and while I agree with Katie Couric’s advice, I am pretty sure she would have had the financial means to stay at home if she wanted after her husband passed. But she chose not to and that was her choice. Thankfully we live in a country where we have choices.
06/09/2009 at 1:27 pm
Um,Ok… Shannon. I’m really not trying to say anything more than what I’ve said. If I’m guilty of anything it’s of having a different philosophy than yours. Let me clarify: The question I asked is a question I ask of myself. Period. I clearly don’t look down upon any one’s choice to have children no matter what you choose to believe. I don’t put much thought into how anyone else chooses to pilot their family – unless it effects me adversely.(Leslie made a good point.) Like, for instance, if I’m in the classroom repeatedly helping out and the other kid’s mama’s are at the salon getting pampered or working because they’re bored. Now,that bothers me because I have a very busy schedule, myself. (I don’t mind helping but I’m not going to like constantly carrying another person’s weight.) If someone wants or needs to work and if they feel that it’s a sufficient family choice then it’s all good for them -it wouldn’t be an adequate choice for me. Because, in my heart, I know that my place is with my baby. My heart doesn’t rule the world. It only rules me. But, at the end of the day, I feel pretty darn skippy with myself for having made the choice that keeps me and my family happy.