My eyes, they burn
Posted on 06/16/2009 08:53 pm by kagranju
My little brother is in Chicago this week, and a day or two ago, he posted this Facebook status update: “Just saw a 3,000 person naked bicycle parade (accidently).”
Huh?
Turns out that he wasn’t yanking my chain; he actually did inadvertently happen upon thousands of nekkid people riding their bikes through downtown Chitown.
The thing about stuff like this is that it makes nakedness really…absurd. While going sans culottes can be very titillating in certain contexts, it’s just downright comical in others – whether the naked person in question is young, old, thin, chubby, male, female or…you name it.
I used to know a man who did restaurant health inspections for the state, and one of the food service establishments on his regular route happened to be the cafeteria at some “naturalist” colony in Middle TN. I’ll never forget his story about how odd and vulnerable and unattractive all the nudists seemed when he would encounter them pressed up against the protective glass on the salad bar line, or queued up for a second helping of banana pudding. Really, nobody, and I mean nobody can pull off looking good au naturel when illuminated by flourescent bulbs and clutching a plastic cafeteria tray topped with a sloppy joe.
Nakedness works best as an enigma, wrapped in some really good lingerie. Honestly, the harsh light of regular, day to day activity wasn’t meant to display any of us in our most flattering light. I think David Sedaris pretty much nailed it when he described his own first day at a nudist trailer park:
By the time I’d unpacked and put away my groceries, it was early evening and the rain had stopped. After staring at the spot where the television used to be, I took a walk past the clubhouse and up into the park’s more established neighborhoods. These were mobile homes that had been soundly grounded upon carefully manicured lots, many with built-on decks made of pine and redwood. Some of the trailers had been sided to resemble log cabins, and others were fronted by shingled, A-framed entrance halls. The homeowners’ names were displayed on wooden plaques along with slogans such as “Bare with us” or “Smile if you talk naked!” Flowerbeds were marked with wooden cutouts of bare-bottomed pint-size children and silhouettes of shapely, naked women were painted onto the doors of tool sheds and nailed like FOR SALE signs onto the trees. Most everyone seemed to have a golf cart parked in the driveway, and these, too, were personalized with bumper stickers and hand-painted slogans. I passed a sign reading SHEEP CROSSING 20 FEET and came across a trailer whose lawn played host to a flock of artificial sheep tended to by an oversized, bonneted doll equipped with a crooked staff. Time had not been kind to the shepherdess, nor to her charges, whose waterlogged wool was stained with the evidence of a long and unforgiving winter. Farther along the road these homes gave way to tents and campers equipped with pop-up roofs and jury-rigged awnings made of plastic and fronted by mosquito netting. The lack of space had forced both the kitchens and bathrooms outdoors, and the yards were home to outhouses and picnic tables surrounded by coolers and grills that sat positioned beneath festive paper lanterns. A trailer door opened and a young woman stepped out, leading a child who beat upon her legs with a wooden spoon. The woman was topless, and her breasts hung like two kneesocks, each stuffed with a single orange. I knew when I signed up that I would encounter exposed breasts, but this being my first pair, I reacted with alarm. She wore her hair in a neglected shag and scolded the child for a moment or two before gathering him up in her arms and burying her sharp-featured face in his stomach. Topless. She was topless, walking the streets of what amounted to her neighborhood. The boy howled with pleasure and then rapped her over the head with his spoon.
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06/16/2009 at 9:02 pm
I’m sorry but I don’t think that riding a ten speed naked looks fun or comfortable in any way.
OUCH!
(oh, and GROSS too!)
06/16/2009 at 9:05 pm
I guess your discomfort just shows how much our culture affects our vision. If most people don’t look “good” with their clothes off, seems to me it says more about the one making the valuation instead of the naked person being viewed. I’m not a nudist (and wouldn’t be even if all the skeeters and ticks in the world were killed off), but if there were a clothes rapture and we were all left starkers, we’d soon revalue the way people looked based on different criteria.
06/16/2009 at 9:09 pm
Bill, if there really is a rapture and a heaven, and I am lucky enough to be scooped up with the good people, I will be not be stark naked. I will be clothed in something fabulous from La Perla. Why? Because my God is a merciful and loving God, not a
cruel one
-Katie
06/17/2009 at 12:02 am
My sitter told me about the time her husband had a music gig at a nudist colony. I think the band members were allowed to remain dressed. But thankfully he was a guitarist and could cover himself in the event that nudity was a requirement. Nudity is something I really don’t get.
06/17/2009 at 12:03 am
I saw this in Seattle a few years back. I think the purpose is to promote people riding their bikes for transportation (don’t know if it has the desired effect…) My then 14 year old was mortified and turned her head. Meanwhile, I was hoping and praying my seven year old son wouldn’t notice and scream out something to the effect of “Look, I see a wanger”!!!!
06/17/2009 at 2:29 am
Didn’t you recently write a post all about your toddler going naked and how natural that was and how you didn’t understand the fuss from your neighbors about that? At what age, then, should we start being repulsed by our own bodies?
06/17/2009 at 3:24 am
Touche, Toby, touche.
06/17/2009 at 5:47 am
Bill& Toby: Y’all DO realize that I am being more than a little toingue in cheek with my “anti nude biking” sentiment, right? Because nude biking is simply so silly that it cries out for an equally sily response.
I don’t think anyone’s naked body is “repulsive.” Nor do I think that nakedness is de facto sexual. It is what it is. And if you like going nude on a ten speed, go for it.
But it’s not my thing. I have no desire to hang with nekkid adults in the chow line or on the bike trail. And I definitely won’t be spending any time relaxing poolside at the local nudist campground. But more power to those who dig this sort of activity. I will just politely avert my eyes should I encounter it
-Katie
PS: Soon I will blog about my visual aversion for spandex exercise-wear; seeing a grown man in spandex bike shorts is far less appealing than seeing the same man biking in the buff.
06/17/2009 at 5:53 am
Just to clarify. I don’t think the human body is gross.
I think that the idea of a narrow little bike seat paired with a naked backside is repulsive.
06/17/2009 at 6:18 am
Hm, I tried to find a link to a segment on National Geographic that we saw about nudity the other day. They had a nudist church (in Virginia, I think) that James and I first sniggered at. They are very real, very normal looking Christian church people (NOT super-toned twenty-somethings) hanging out naked during church services and bible study. Pretty weird.
But the preacher’s point was nice, really – that if you get exposed and show yourself to God, it takes away the materialism, the pride, the barriers. I don’t think I’d be up for it (though I’m not very churchy anyway) but I thought it was pretty cool for a church by the end of the segment.
And I kind of liked it when, in Mexico, our sons saw some topless European women tanning. I thought it was healthy for them to see normal breasts (not silicone enhanced Hollywood boobs) and people just sort of letting them be without causing a big fuss. And I thought the David Sedaris description above sounded kind of nice, although I realize that probably wasn’t what he was going for.
That said, I think being naked on a bicycle sounds like a bad idea for a couple of important reasons. Eh. And I don’t see myself being comfortable naked around my sons any time soon.
06/17/2009 at 7:17 am
I agree that having places where people who want to go naked can go naked is a good thing: beaches, church services, bike rides. To each their own. But not only can I not see myself enjoying a naked bike ride, I also can’t see myself wanting to sit on a church pew after one of these naked services of which you speak
06/17/2009 at 10:33 am
We live in Austin and there is a man who rides his bike around town wearing just a teeny white thong. One mom on our neighborhood listserve reported a sighting of Thong Guy and that all her kids noticed was that the man was not wearing a helmet – she had to point out the almost naked part. Safety first, people!
06/17/2009 at 1:06 pm
Mel, hilarious.