I love this post from Meagan Francis about whether it’s ever acceptable to bring a baby into an “adult” venue or event. She lays out the issue exactly as I would, with a nod to both the rights and the responsibilities of parents.
The very first essay I ever sold to a paying publication was a piece I sold to the Chicago Tribune in 1995 in response to an op-ed they had run from some curmudgeonly guy who said that children should basically never be taken into public places, particularly places where he was paying for food. I can’t find a copy of it anywhere, but my primary point was that a culture that believes young children should be mostly segregated from the world of adult activity is a culture that is in effect, banishing women to a certain invisibility. Banning babies is a de facto policy that bans women with babies.
This is Jon and me, hittin’ the town with C when she was about 3 weeks old, I think. Yes, we went and had a drink at our favorite brewpub. With the baby in the sling. As you can see from the photo, she was a real rabble rouser that night.
Now, having said that, I do not believe people should allow their babies or young children to actively disrupt other diners at a restaurant or play or neighborhood meeting, etc. There is a balance, and I think that our society tends to have trouble finding it with this issue. We swing wildly from pronouncements that any woman who occasionally wants to bring a child along to an event or job site or activity (generally because she cannot afford or find acceptable childcare) must not want to be taken seriously, to finding ourselves in restaurants where one inconsiderate parent ruins everyone’s meal (including other, less noisy kids who are also trying to eat in peace) by allowing his two year old to scream for 30 minutes without realizing it’s time to get a to-go bag and leave.
But go read Meagan’s blog post. As with everything she writes, it’s just darn good.
10 Responses to “It’s a baby! In a bar!”
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I could not agree more. I have a friend who is older, never had children, and prefers quiet eating. He once sent a note to some parents asking if he could be allowed to send desert to their children–why? because to his delight all five of their children understood proper behavior in a restaurant and he wanted to express his gratitude. Many a time I heard about his experiences eating out when parents allowed their children to run wild in the restaurant.
For that matter, I have had the embarrassment of being out to dinner with people who allowed their small child to run wild throughout the room and ruin the nice evening out for everyone in the room. I have refused to eat out with them ever since.
On the other side, it is a form of misogyny to be anti-child to the point where nursing mother’s have to carry a card stating the state law that protects their right to nurse their babies. I have one such card in with my credit cards. Anyplace that wants my cash had best be welcoming to the reality that if my infant needs to be with me, then we are a package deal and had best be accepted. If not, well, there are plenty of places where we are welcome and they get my money–even when I do get a sitter.
I have to admit that I HATE to be seated close to misbehaving children. My children were either behaved in public, or we left. But even worse was the lady behind me TODAY who told the other 8 people at her table, and the entire establishment, that she “had my pap smear and told my daughter as many partners as she has, there’s no telling what she has caught”….No kidding. My daughters were horrified that a grown woman would be talking so loudly about highly personal matters.
@Miriam – Oh my gosh! That’s pretty repulsive
I just got back from my 20th high school reunion, where my nursing 3mo was with me at both adults-only evening events. They were long enough that had I left her with a sitter, I’d have had to bring my breast pump with me. Which seemed awfully stupid.
I did promise my classmates I won’t have a newborn at the 30 year reunion, like I did at this one AND at our 10th.
I do agree about children needed to behave in public. There’s a vast difference between well behaved and poorly behaved children in an otherwise adults-only venue.
I believe children should be welcomed in adults-only venues, but I don’t think they (especially infants) should be present at very loud events like Sundown in the City.
when mathias was a “freshey” my BF at the time, took him to the local pub for lunch, we had been there many, many, times before.
anyway, we put him still in his car seat on top of the bar…ate lunch, i even drank (GASP! CALL CPS) a beer….
and watched curling the greatest sport eveha!
anyway…no one cared.
You and Megan Francis both hit the nail on the head. Though I wasn’t at BlogHer this time, I was at the Boston one last year, with a 6 month old. Now I honestly wish I’d brought her to MORE of the events, rather than mostly leaving her in the hotel room with my mom and racing back frantically to offer the breast at every break. (Now that she’s a rambunctious toddler, events are going to be more complicated for a while.)
Rights AND responsibilities, it’s a balance. Babies and children should exist in the world, AND parents should be conscientious about making sure their behavior isn’t becoming intrusive.
Hey, we miss seeing (and hearing from) Jon, since he ended his blog.
Maybe he could do a guest post when you’re super busy?
I was really surprised by how many people said things like “Babies just don’t belong at X.” It seems so arbitrary — like one person said babies at the open-invite parties was fine but babies didn’t belong at a private party. Huh? It reminds me of people who say that babies should not be breastfeeding at some arbitrary point: “When they can ask for it” “When they can walk” “When they can unhook your bra themselves.” Who sets these benchmarks?
I would chalk it up to people not understanding the difference between a nurseling and a toddler, but then I hear the same things from other moms and I realize that I will just have to disagree with a lot of folks out there. My nursing infant belongs wherever I am, and to say that nursing mothers are not welcome in certain places is, frankly, sexist and anti-breastfeeding.
When I’m out in a bar or I accept an invitation to a cocktail party I’m usually feeling like I want to get away from it all. I go to a bar to chill because I want to be around adults . A bar or cocktail party is where you can always go and expect to not find children. I don’t understand why social rules should be expected to change to accomodate a few. Or, why some parent’s refuse to respect the fact that some people simply don’t want to be around kid’s during their down time. Besides, how responsile is it to subject a baby to an environment of partying adults? Duh. There is no sexism or anti-breastfeeding involed in the equation-just protecting my well-deserved right to good, clean adult time – minus children.