What makes for a happy family?
Posted on 01/01/2010 08:40 am by kagranju
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.” – Martin Mull
I am working on a feature story for a magazine about what traits and behaviors happy families share. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this myself lately. Is my own family “happy?” By some people’s measures, the answer would be “no.” I continue to have significant struggles understanding the choices my eldest child is making, and we clash over them frequently. My worries about him cause me deep pain on a level I never imagined possible before hitting this part of parenting. And then there is the fact that I am divorced, meaning that J and E (and previously, before he moved out, H) have to shuttle between two houses. The end of my first marriage was indescribably painful – I am forever scarred by it, no matter how much I’ve moved on and made a new life – and the fallout has taken many years to settle. And another factor in the “not happy” column would be that Jon and I have a big family and a lot of responsibilities, so money is always tight and there never seems to be enough of it. Our old house needs a lot of work and we don’t have savings like we should. That’s always stressful.
Despite these things, I would still classify my family as happy. I have a really great marriage and I have four children whom I adore, and who love each other like crazy. Although we bug each other a lot, I am very close to my siblings, and my extended family. I love all my nieces and nephews, and just as I did when I was growing up, my children consider their own siblings and all of their cousins to be their best friends. My children have loving grandparents, both paternal and maternal, and many busybody aunts and uncles keeping a close eye on them. We’re happy. Yeah. We are.
But why? Why do I think of MY family as happy despite some less than perfect circumstances when I know other people who look better on paper, but who – if you asked them – would tell you that their family – both nuclear and extended – “has problems” or even come right out and say that they are unhappy? Is it all an attitude thing? Am I just in denial? I mean, every family has challenges and warts and bruises. No family’s circumstances are perfect. So why do some families let these circumstances define them, while others do not?
I have my own ideas about this set of questions, but I would love to hear your thoughts as well. Do you consider your family happy? What does it even mean to be a “happy family?” Let me know in the comments below.
01/01/2010 at 9:36 am
A friend and I sat around one afternoon trying to think of anyone we know – anyone – whose family isn’t a “dysfunctional family.” We couldn’t. It’s what families are because they are people stew, made up of ingredients as different as carrots and meat and potatoes. The different personalities with their individual likes and dislikes aren’t blended into a human smoothie or soup – they remain separate ingredients, which, when combined, can make wonderful concoction. My point is that I think many people have unrealistic expectations when they marry and begin a family. They watched too many episodes of The Brady Bunch and believe families share every thought and go through life with perpetual smiles. Dysfunctional isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s just the nature of families.
01/01/2010 at 10:51 am
If your family is like my family what makes you a happy family isn’t that you don’t have problems, it’s that you know that you have family there to turn to for support, even if what you need is support dealing with another family member(no matter how much you love that person).
01/01/2010 at 4:05 pm
Consider: Do you mean “happy” on the outward shell; or the inner “joy” that comes from a deeper place? You may have had a hard phase during the divorce (and H.’s recent decisions) but it is obvious that your family has joy. That joy allows you to seem happy even though you may be having some serious pain at the moment. I think too often we see the “happy family” but it’s only a shell or exterior. You never know what is lurking deep or behind closed doors. Your Mom is right; all families are dysfunctional. All families have problems, difficult teenagers, crazy Aunts etc. It’s the deeper joy that ties us together and makes us seem “happy”.
01/02/2010 at 5:07 am
honesty. And persevering through problems. Commitment. And yes, the person who said “joy” makes a very good point. I’m not even going to make a couple of smarta** cracks about families I know who actually have children named “Joy”. LOL. Our culture often does not differentiate between happiness and satisfaction/joy/whatever you want to call it. Happiness conjures up images of getting one’s own way and meeting certain criteria. The other is more in line with say, the serenity prayer (if you are familiar with that)
01/02/2010 at 10:54 am
The key to a happy family is the ability of its members to think about others. In their actions, words, etc. Not in a totally self-sacrificing way, but in a balanced way. If enough family members make everything all about themselves, or focus on certain family members in either an overly positive or negative way, that breeds and unhappy family.
01/02/2010 at 11:58 am
Smiles, fun, games, communication, consideration, tolerance, respect, hugs and lots of them and kisses.
Spending time together listening to each other, truly listening, hearing the things that aren’t said and valuing each others opinions. Helping each other to grow and experience life and know that whatever happens all things come to pass. Sharing in laughter and tears, heartache and anger. Creating a safe space where one can get the thoughts out of their head without fear of judgment and safe in the knowledge that support is there.
Learning to let go and let God when man cannot find the answer, some things are to be experienced and not understood.
01/02/2010 at 1:29 pm
I have a friend who is a family therapist. Several years ago, he told me everyone is dysfunctional, there are just different degrees of dysfunction…so no one is perfect. How PERFECT is that!
My number one priority over all is family: the good the bad and the ugly. Raising my kids mostly as a single mom meant some lean times, but never short on love, affection, caring and communication. I had “special time” with each child every day. As they went through the teen years, we struggled, but now as adults, they have forgotten all the battles for autonomy (when safety was an issue), the “strict” mom and remember fondly good times. We ARE a close and loving family. Would outsiders think we are dysfunctional? You betcha.
Live in joy and gratitude and savor each moment with you loved ones.
01/02/2010 at 1:42 pm
Have you checked out Meagan Francis’ blog, the happiest mom? It’s about being a happy Mom, but she addresses related issues to this topic. She talks about how to choose happiness even if you aren’t naturally the sunniest of people. She also talks about how you define happiness. I thought of that blog right away. Lots of food for thought anyway.
01/02/2010 at 6:23 pm
I have an interesting thought to throw into the mix…most of the unhappy people that I know are significantly less educated than the more happy folks I know. Never really thought about happiness stratified by education. I mean, I realize that happiness is relative and that my supposition is entirely anecdotal. I am sure I will have people who vehemently disagree with me but…in my extended family, the people who are the most miserable are the least educated of the bunch. I think that it due to the fact that the people I know that are least happy have an high external locus of control, and the happiest are the ones with a high internal locus of control.
01/03/2010 at 4:32 pm
Most importantly the marriage has to be a happy marriage; one of the greatest gifts we can then give our children is a happy family life. After many years of my work as a marriage therapist and being in my own marriage for 26 years, there are some behaviors that will inspire and motivate a couple — take a look at “A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.”
http://www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
01/04/2010 at 8:37 am
From what I see on your blog, your family has love, affection, and support for each other. That’s huge!
01/04/2010 at 1:06 pm
My parents never divorced. We had enough money (not a whole lot but enough) and a very nice house. It was the most miserable family situation ever.
I “ran away” at age 18. By ran away I mean I moved out-packed up most of my stuff in boxes and left. My parents didn’t notice until the day I didn’t come home. I’m still not particulary close to them although we have reconciled to some degree.
What makes a happy family?
Love.
Your family has it, you can see it in the pictures. Every individual has their own road to travel but as long as there is love present, you always know where home is.
01/04/2010 at 2:41 pm
Wow, great insight from everyone.
For me, it is having family members who are there for support, to share laughs, and to break bread with. I am lucky to have a husband and son who are both wonderful mentors and fans–couldn’t ask for better.
A comment to sharongilo- I believe it is not education but the ability to work through issues and problems with mutual respect to all parties involved. Yes, and sometimes this does involve outside interventions but there are families who intuitively know how.
01/05/2010 at 8:54 am
Sajmom, thanks for the plug!
For me, what it comes down to is LIKING each other and really enjoying one another’s company. Not all the time, certainly, and we all have our quirks (which can be annoying) and make plenty of mistakes. But I think one of the things I’m actively trying to foster with my kids is that we all have to care about each other as a group just as much as (or more than) we care about ourselves. There are seven of us so by necessity that sometimes means sacrificing for the good of the group, but I think in the end that makes us a stronger family and a happier one, too. We laugh–a lot. Especially at ourselves.
Sharongilo, I’ve actually not noticed your observation at all in my own life. I know some very highly educated people who are really good at talking around and/or concealing their unhappiness (as well as some who are genuinely happy) but as a group I’ve not noticed the highly educated people I know to be actually any more happy than the less educated. I do think the stresses that come with being not educated (lower earning potential, for example) might be different from the stresses a more educated person would experience, but I think people can and do pursue and choose happiness no matter what their background. It just might look different in practice.
01/06/2010 at 11:14 am
One aspect I believe that plays a role in the “is your family happy” answer is attitude. People that are naturally optimistic and can find joy and appreciation in little things may be more likely to say they are happy, even when there are larger challenges looming.
Everyone has those challenges, but the ones that are happy and make it through have the ability to think positively and move forward knowing that they have each other and tomorrow’s a new day.
I like to think I live that way, and hope to pass that attitude onto my children.