I’ve been blogging for a while now – since my three oldest kids were around 10, 8 and 5 years old – since back in the days when C and newbaby on the way were as foreign an idea to me as a Martian invasion. Since that first blog post, I’ve blogged through marriage, the end of a marriage, a horrifically painful divorce, re-entry into the full time workforce, single parenting, working motherhood, falling in love, remarriage, blended family life, pregnancy, miscarriage, childbirth, breastfeeding, baby and toddlerhood, and I’ve blogged lots and lots and lots about H, J and E as they’ve grown from little kids into much bigger kids. They are now 18, 14 and 12 years old (!!!).
I’ve written before about the fact that as my three eldest, much blogged-about kids have grown, I’ve become more and more circumspect about what I share about them on my blog, in my published essays, and in the past two years, on Facebook and Twitter. Now I generally always ask them before I write anything that so much as mentions them, but sometimes I still screw up and they ask me to take stuff I’ve written or posted down. Last week J hated a photo I had posted of her on Facebook, and just today, H called me to ask me to remove a Facebook status update I’d written referencing him. So I did.
I’ve joked before that the reason I keep having babies is to make sure I have blog fodder because truly, as the kids get older – beyond the little kid years – I am tremendously conscious at all times of protecting their right to tell their own stories in their own ways if and when they ever feel like doing that. J in particular seems to be a budding writer, and I hope all of my children flex their writing muscles in one way or another as they become adults.
But see, here’s the bummer about the fact that I can no longer be as open on my blog about what’s up with my parenting and with my older children: the best thing about having a parenting blog is the support and information that you get from other parents going through the same thing. When your baby has colic, and you blog about it, you are reassured by hearing from blog readers who have been there, done that, and who have lived to tell the tale. When you can’t figure out how to gently wean the toddler, you can talk about it on your blog and immediately hear from all kinds of smart mamas who have great advice on the best way to handle the transition. And on the day you first walk your five year old into her kindergarten class, you can spill your maudlin musings on the end of childhood into a heartfelt blog post, and you’ll get plenty of virtual hugs from members of your blog community who know what that first day of school feels like for an attached mama.
But just about the time that parenting gets a lot trickier – age 13 or so – you find yourself completely constrained by respect for your kids’ privacy and their need for autonomy from sharing very many of the truly meaningful details and struggles of your life as a parent. Sure, you might tell an amusing anecdote here and there, or gloat about that lacrosse game he won or the play in which she starred, but you really can’t talk about the harder parts, the darker parts of parenting a teenager- the adolescent equivalent of those nights when your newborn cried so much for so long that you felt like tossing him out the window and running away.
Parenting my eldest child through teenagehood thus far has been the most confusing, unexpected, terrifying, humbling, distressing experience of my life, bar none. And really, that’s all I can say about it – here on my blog or anywhere else. Our culture nowadays allows for and even welcomes open discussion of the most minute and personal details of pregnancy, childbirth and the challenging parts of parenting babies and young children. But we rarely talk openly outside our closest families and friends about the hard parts of parenting adolescents. I think this is due in large part to the fact that frankly, it’s embarrassing when your teenager isn’t meeting your expectations in some way. You find yourself feeling ashamed of your parenting. If your three year old throws tantrums at Target, no one seriously believes you are a bad parent or that your child won’t grow out of it. We’ve all been through that and can relate. But for the significant minority of us parents whose teenagers struggle in a major way with big, important issues, you are facing your most terrifying fear – that you are actually, truly, for realz a bad parent. You look around at the bright, shiny, happy teenagers you see in other families – the National Merit Scholars and the soccer stars and the 17 year olds who volunteer at the homeless shelter every weekend and you wonder, what did I do wrong? Where have I failed him – my baby? And can I fix this somehow? Does anyone ever make it through tough times like these and emerge to find a healthy, mature, finally grown-up child on the other side of it? You wonder these things incessantly, like a nonstop thought loop running through your brain and your heart every single day. But you keep it mostly to yourself, and you certainly don’t draw attention to the situation, to your obviously complete failure as a parent by discussing it outside your closest circle. You sure as hell don’t blog about it.
But boy oh boy would I love it if it became acceptable and the norm for those of us parenting bloggers who do have teenagers to talk as openly about the challenges that come with parenting our kids through ages 13-21 as we do about diapers and breastfeeding and cosleeping. Because honestly, compared to this, that stuff was a piece of cake. But the combination of our own shame and respect for our teenagers’ privacy keeps us silent. Keeps me silent. And that’s really too bad, because I know that those of us who are going through these horrific, ass-kicking struggles with our beloved teenage offspring could use some of the same kind of wonderful support that mamas of babies and young children get when they blog about that no good, very bad, super rotten day when the preschooler melted down at Target.
22 Responses to “The parenting blog topic that dare not speak its name”
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Katie, there is a big jump from 12 to 21.
sigh. You are so right. It is a shame that it is often the most difficult part of parenting, yet the part we aren’t allowed to speak. I do know someone whose child went through agonizing, heart wrenching very problematic behavior; and he came through the other side. She (my friend) finally had to distance herself from him in many ways. This meant that he spent several nights in jail…she also made him move out of the family home. Around age 20 he realized his lifestyle wasn’t working. I have heard her tell other parents “sometimes your child gets involved with the wrong crowd and sometimes your child IS THE WRONG CROWD”. Her child is now a married 30 year old and just became a father. Hang in there. There is another side.
So completely right. There’s a great anthology–I Wanna Be Sedated–that is about parenting teens, but mostly it’s the whispered confidences of other parents that help the most. Also helpful is remembering that I lived through a bunch of bad choices, as did my husband, and we’re both actually grateful for those experiences now.
One thing I’ve noticed as a teacher at the college level is that often the students who’ve lived a little–made mistakes, in other words–get much more out of college. And sometimes the ones who’ve been perfect all their lives don’t know why they do what they do; I had a wonderfully bright young woman in my office today crying because she has no motivation and no interests of her own, yet she’s always gotten As and been a role model for others. So maybe Henry’s path is the right path for him?
My boyfriend’s son sounds great on paper. He’s attractive and athletic. But…he has serious personality disorders. So, when you look at other teens who appear to be upright “do good” citizens/students, you may not be getting the entire picture.
I kinda wish you blog was anonymous so you could share and receive feedback about the difficulty of parenting teens. My boyfriend went and it still (son is 22) going through hell.
Oh girl! I hear you.
I’m in the same boat but I have a girl which adds a whole other dimension of terror and worry to the mix. We are FB friends and if you ever want to message my privately, please do. (I’m sure you will inundated with offers of support.)
In the meantime, I’ll pray for the both of us and our teenagers that we love with our very souls. Sometimes it seems like that is all we can do. siiiiiighhhh…..
The ‘living with teenagers’ column in the UK Guardian took on this very subject – at first anonymously.
I’m not sure if the archives are still online but they were published as a book http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2008/mar/22/society
Julie Myerson! there we go. And her son’s reaction to her book about him is probably reason enough to not blog publicly about teenagers, however hard it is.
my younger brother dove deep into the darkness starting when he was about 15. spent several years completely stoned. dealt drugs out of our house. somehow never ended up in jail but did end up in rehab. a couple of times. failed 11th grade twice, constantly skipped school, then skipped summer school to which he was assigned because he wasn’t showing up for regular school. halfway through 11th grade the THIRD time, he dropped out. he did get a job. mostly just went to work and slept for a couple years. i thought it was all going to kill my dad who couldn’t figure out where he’d gone wrong and just could not get through to him. (my brother was a lot like my mother in many ways. she blamed my dad for my brother’s problems and did nothing in the way of supporting/helping; they were separated/divorcing during this time and we were with dad.)
somewhere along the way – when HE was ready for it – jimmy woke up and realized this wasn’t working for him. fell in love with a young woman and moved in with her and her daughter. got his GED. got a better job, and then a better one after that. has stayed sober for many years. he’s 33 now and in addition to his stepdaughter, has 2 more children (with his then girlfriend, now wife). bottom line: it was absolute hell for him and our family for years, but he’s come out on the other side happy, healthy, and productive.
doesn’t make living through it any easier, but i’ll bet h will come out okay on the other side too.
hugs to you.
My husband and I both had brothers who went through really rough times and came out the other side productive, happy (law abiding) people. 2 simple truths: (1) they had to come about it on their time in their own way; (2) their families were hurt a lot (over and over) by their actions but NEVER NEVER did our parents reject them. They always knew they had a place to come home to. The people in that home would not support / enable unacceptable behavior or choices but the door was always open.
I know you love H and you are trying your best. Let him know that too. That’s all you can do.
It’s a tough balance, isn’t it?
As parents we warn our kids about sharing too much online, so we don’t want to turn around and blog too much about them, in an apparent ‘do as I say, not as I do…’
My “Facebook Dad” blog hits on some of the online exploits me and my older kids, who have an online life of their own…
http://www.facebookdad.com
You are not a bad parent. Its just a simple fact that some kids have a harder time going through adolescence than others. My brother had significant struggles through his later teenager years and early adulthood with drugs, drug dealing, etc. He was kicked out of college and was in jail at one time one felony charges. I can assure you that my parents were not bad parents. In fact, they are wonderful parents. They raised two other kids that did not struggle nearly to the same extent. So why one child and not the other? There is obviously more going on than just parenting. I am currently reading an absolutely brilliant book called Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. Check it out if you get a chance. I think you will find a lot of helpful ideas.
I second reading anything by Gabor Mate. He is really brilliant.
Katie, As you know from my spread of four 14-2 , I totally am with you & I am sure there will be — even if we haven’t figured it out yet — a way to bring parenting teens more into the open because your desire for support/smart minds/breaking silence & isolation doesn’t have to — somehow, not sure how — mean a total end to their privacy, which is certainly theirs. I see this in the adoptive parent world: those who do not want to share their children’s stories b/c they want their children to decide. I puzzle over this a bit, because to close a subject down in that way maybe implies a certain amount of shame? Secrecy generally isn’t all that healthy or productive. Overexposure isn’t either. But I feel there must be a balance in there. Right? We just haven’t yet figured out how to achieve that.
Wow, you are so right. I am totally in trouble when they stop providing me color for my blog!! Thank goodness I have a few more years.
Sadie at heyMamas
Katie, My daughter quit school and moved out the house the day she turned 18. I took her being on her own, with noone (except the occasional grandparent) helping her. If she was hungry she could come home to eat but I was not providing her with any money. It took about a year ( we both loved each other and hated each other at the same time) of being responsable for her own rent, food, travel arrangements etc. to figure it out. (She was not allowed to take her car, which I had purchased, when she left) We are now the best of friends. She went and got her GED, and now has a full-time job that she has had over a year. This baby of mine will be 22 next week. On the other hand her younger brother watched and learned from his sister’s behavior and didn’t have near the trouble with him.
Hi there Katie,
For all these years my daughter requested I not share her struggles publicly, I choose to share under an alias “Dewi” and never mention her name in parents forums, this way I could always speak freely and candidly about my heart wrenching experience, how it affected the family during her difficult adolescent. I was able to have the support i needed.
That is life with grown children; it’s not for you to share their struggles. Your child’s need for anonymity and not fodder for a parent’s blog or writing during their struggles must be made a priority over the need to share publicly about your parental struggles.
Otherwise, you damage what has become a very fragile relationship with your child. Unless you have permission from your child, keeping their privacy is vital to their emotional well-being and your relationship.
There is tons of online and IRL support for parents, find the forums and get support you need. It’s not being hidden; it’s about being respectful to your child’s privacy.
http://www.familiesanonymous.org/
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html or
http://www.strugglingteens.com/parentsupport.html
When I was at the worst time in our life strugglingteens.com had a parents forum that really helped me. I made so many friends IRL in my community through that forum. It looks like it was disbanded the private part.
Sorry, I got off the point,but yes I do agree, it is embarrasing ( with people I work with or non close family members, but not my close family or friends)when you know you child is way to smart to be acting a fool. I never did blame myself though, not that I didn’t make mistakes, but my child knew better and was raised better and one day her light bulb finally came on.
My oldest is only 2 1/2, but I’ve already started wondering about when I need to tone it down a bit. As it is right now, any of his classmates will be able to look up and read all about when he had his first poo on the potty.
I totally agree with the person above (Debra?) who said what they did about the kid looking good on paper but having a bad personality. Our culture measures “success” a certain way. Probably different parts of the country vary a lot, too.
I have patted myself on the back that my kid has turned out so well so far, HOWEVER I am humbled by the fact that it all fell apart for me when I moved out of my mother’s house. I do have to remember that there are different factors in my daughters life than there were in mine and she has a different personality as well.
As I have finally given up the denial that I do, indeed, have ADHD and always had it, I also worry that the same might happen to my kids. As always though, I figure the best weapon against stuff taking on a life of its own is talking openly and freely about my own experiences, trials and hope.
I’ve had to realize too that no one has a perfect life and even kids whose parents WERE there and nurturing them (mine were not, so that’s clouded my judgement for many years) mess up, sometimes in significant ways.
Some people are missing the point. It is not about our culture only sharing the “success” of our families, it is a very painful struggle when you have a child literally falling into an abyss for whatever reason.
The adolescent child’s privacy needs to be honored. And there are many forums and support groups both on-line and IRL to share honestly with other parents, it’s just not blogging.
For all these years my daughter requested I not share her struggles publicly, I choose to share under an alias “Dewi” and never mention her name in parents forums, this way I could always speak freely and candidly about my heart wrenching experience, how it affected the family during her difficult adolescent. I was able to have the support i needed.
That is life with grown children; it’s not for you to share their struggles. Your child’s need for anonymity and not fodder for a parent’s blog or writing during their struggles must be made a priority over the need to share publicly about your parental struggles.
Otherwise, you damage what has become a very fragile relationship with your child. Unless you have permission from your child, keeping their privacy is vital to their emotional well-being and your relationship.
There is tons of online and IRL support for parents, find the forums, and get support you need. It’s not being hidden; it’s about being respectful to your child’s privacy.
http://www.familiesanonymous.org/
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html or
http://www.strugglingteens.com/parentsupport.html
When I was at the worst time in our life strugglingteens.com had a parent’s forum that really helped me. I made so many friends IRL in my community through that forum.
I wish there was a way to speak about your post childhood parenting trials. Raising a teenager terrifies me.