I never thought in a million years that I would want to have a scheduled c-section for one of my babies. I did have a c-section with my last birth, but it wasn’t something I planned. This time, until Henry’s hospitalization, I had decided with my doctor to try for a vbac – allowing myself to go into labor naturally and then only ending up with a c-section if things didn’t go as planned. But I really can’t deal with any more uncertainty right now; I need to see and touch and hold my baby as soon as it’s safe to meet her. So I am trying not to feel guilty about the new plan my doctor and I have decided on, which is an amnio on July 12th to check her lung maturity (she will be 37.5 weeks then) and a c-section on the 13th if she looks ready.
I definitely have moments of feeling like I am not putting the baby first with this plan – that I am putting my own emotional needs first – but I also really feel like I have hit my limit when it comes to coping with stuff. I need to not be pregnant any more. I need to meet my baby, and see that she is okay. I need to be past this place – pregnant and grieving. I need to just do one thing at a time, and I can’t stop being heartbroken about losing my child. I can’t change that or speed it up or plan for it. So I am making the choice to plan for a c-section on my own timetable. Maybe it’s a selfish decision, but it makes me feel like I have some small measure of control in a situation that is largely beyond my control, and my doctor, whom I really trust, supports me in my choice.
So in less than three weeks (or sooner if baby G has her own plans), I will give birth to my new daughter, my fifth child. In the space of two months, I will have gone from actively mothering two sons and two daughters to mothering one son and three daughters. Even as I am living it, I still can’t comprehend a change that profound happening that quickly. It’s all too fast, too much.
Tectonic plates moving, shifting – new continents being created by force.
I miss my baby. I miss him so much.
64 Responses to “Planning for a seismic shift”
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I have an opinion. But, not having been in your shoes, it won’t matter one bit what it is. You need to do what you think is best for the baby and you, not what some virtual stranger thinks. Wishing the best for both of you.
I’m sure you will find what is right for you and baby G.
not that MHO matters one iota, but i think you are making the right choice. my scheduled c-sec with salem is one of the best decisions i have ever made. i loved knowing what and when things were going to happen. i loved being able to chat with my dr. and laugh and even enjoy it.
erika
Here’s the thing: Putting your emotional needs first is the same as putting your children’s needs first right now. You can’t give from an empty cup. So let yourself grieve and seek some certainty. All you can do is your best. Some kind of healing will come, but slowly, slowly, and maybe never completely. But you will go on, and you are a good mother, and you will continue take loving good care of your children. But they also need you to take care of you.
Taking care of yourself IS also taking care of Baby G: she needs you to take care of her, and you need to take care of yourself as you grieve and as you get to know your new child (and the family dynamics that will be shifting as all of you grieve and all of you welcome the new wee one). You’re finding your way–stumbling, trying things out–but your heart will lead you right.
i actually think it is a VERY healthy decision for you and the baby! doing what is best for your emotional state will ultimately be better for her anyway. it is such a hard situation you are in and from reading this i think you are doing your absolute best to handle it. i almost lost my baby girl a couple months ago and my friend sent me your blog to read. i am sending you good vibes always.
Ditto, Angella! Very well put.
Bless your heart. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Yup, what they said. Is it “selfish” to try to sleep when you’re tired or eat when you’re hungry, even though you could be giving a few minutes more attention to your children? Of course you have take care of your own needs to be able to take care of others. Wishing you an easily C-section and freedom from guilt.
Not that my opinion matters, but your plan makes a lot of sense to me.
I did have a VBAC with my second child but almost ended up with a repeat C-section during the process. The VBAC was slightly (but only slightly) easier to recuperate from as it came with its own set of complications. I can truly say I bonded with each child equally and do not feel one birth experience was superior to the other. Both children were healthy and that’s what mattered most to me.
I encourage you to do what will help you cope best with the challenges ahead.
I don’t understand why you feel that you are not putting the baby first with this plan… you are, in every way, both physically and emotionally.
And you definitely don’t need to justify your decision to the world, or open yourself up to flak.
Please be kind to yourself Kate…
I think your decision to schedule a c-section is wise. I do however question the need for the amnio. Amnios have risks – why add that to the mix?.
I was induced with both of my kids at 38 weeks (after losing my first baby at 26 weeks due to a blood disorder) with no amnio/lung check beforehand – my doctors didn’t even suggest it b/c they knew it wasn’t necessary.
You are doing what’s best for you as a mother, and it’s good in these modern days that we have safe healthy choices. Your mental heath needs and coping skills are just as important as your physical ability to nurture your child and other children, as well as role of wife, and a career woman.
I think we as parents, especially as mothers, have to realistic with ourselves. We have to say, if I put 10 things on my plate and can really only handle 3, I’m not going to do those 10 things well. So mine as well concentrate on the three things I must do and do them to the best of my ability.
You need baby here to lessen your worry and anxiousness for her arrival. But I would encourage you to also relax as much as you possibly can and seek some counseling as well since you have face some very serious life-altering events. You may already be in some sort of counseling and it’s none of my business but even the strongest women need a little help impartiality. If your work or insurance carrier offers an EAP program, counseling may be accessible without costs, at least for the first 5-10 visits. I have a good therapist I could recommend. Just my two cents.
Hopefully you have also worked out some support plans for when the baby comes. I’m sure there are many who are willing to help you and take the help where you can get it. If anything, it’s good that some of this in happening in the summer when the kids are out of school, so that you can ease into a household schedule with the new baby, and your family will have a few more months to heal before things get hectic again with their schedules.
Katie, don’t give one more thought to this. Given what has happened to your family the last couple of months – this is a very wise decision.
I used to work in an ER, and if someone’s child died, they did not think twice about giving the mother drugs to sedate her. That’s because the grief associated with losing a child is nearly impossible to take. So, certainly, scheduling your child’s birth is not selfish. It is wise – as are you.
Take heart, you are doing exactly the right thing for you and Baby G.
Hi Katie. I’ve been following your story all along, and I am so so sorry for all that you have endured. I wanted to chime in with my “Yay, Katie, do what you think is right, and don’t feel guilty,” but I want to give you a little background first. I am homebirthing mom, and I strongly believe in natural births when they are possible. But, as every informed person knows, sometimes they aren’t, and then I’m so glad we have such safe C-sections and wonderful technology to be able to tell if your baby is developed. It’s not only physical things that might make a VBAC impossible; it might be emotional things too. Your emotional state is just as important as your physical state, and it’s just as okay to take it into account as you would some signal from your body. I hope you give yourself permission to take care of your needs and your baby’s needs. You aren’t the only one who needs for you to be okay; your baby needs it too. And you are doing what it takes for you to be okay. I hope everything goes well, and even though you don’t know me, know that you are in my thoughts.
Personally, I think you’re making a very good decision. I just about forced a VBAC with my middle child, which ended in an emergency c-section. Let me tell you, absolutely not something you could handle right now. With the third I let my “principles” go and scheduled the section. It was the most relaxed birth ever. Wishing you the most relaxed birth possible.
I had a scheduled c-sec for complicated reasons (involving trauma). It sounds like you are listening to your heart and your gut and doing what it is right for you and for your baby. I hope & pray that no one will say anything to you about it, except encouraging words. I am thinking of you daily and hoping you will be surrounded with love and support.
Try looking at it this way….my second child appeared five weeks early, just before christmas. We had been planning on a January child but received a December gift. Even with natural birth you don’t always get what you are planning. You’ll have a middle of the year gift!
I think you made a fine, well-thought-out decision, and it’s exactly what I would do, too.
My heart aches for the pain you’re (understandably) continuing to feel. I can’t even begin to imagine…
Well, hell, MY opinion matters, and I like to think of July 13 as a very auspicious date. It is my littlest one birthday, too. I enjoy thinking of all the other nice people having birthdays on special days like that. So I am freely voicing my opinion which is good plan, Bun – come on out of the oven in accordance with your mother’s wishes!
You are putting your child first by putting yourself first. That sounds weird, but it’s true. A happy mama=happy baby. By doing anything that will bring you peace and ease your burden, you are doing what is right for her! There is nothing, absolutely nothing, wrong with your decision. You are very wise and know what you need. Easier said than done, but be kind and gentle to yourself.
Bless you, Katie. You’re doing what you need to do right now, which is what’s best for you and baby G. And we’ll all rejoice with you when you finally get to meet and hold your healthy baby girl.
You are making the decision based on your most cherished values–you value your health (physical and emotional) and your baby’s health, and you are taking care of you both in the best way you know how, with your husband’s support and a doctor you trust. I wholeheartedly support your decision, and I truly hope you can let go of your feeling of guilt, because you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.
I can’t imagine the pain you have gone through, and your need to be with your new little daughter as soon as is healthy for both of you is totally understandable. I wish you the best, and as someone who has had 3 c-sections (the first one was unplanned and traumatic), I’ll tell you that the repeat c-s were much easier to recover from than the first one for me. I hope the same is true for you.
You know, you only have so much emotional bandwidth and there is no way you aren’t maxed out right now. Just no way.
So making a decision not to deplete yourself further is the wisest, kindest, and most loving thing to do, for your children and yourself and your husband, in any order.
I can’t even imagine how you are getting through the days. I wish you peace. You are always in my thoughts.
Yes PLEASE give yourself a break. Stay in bed. Do whatever you want. Whatever you need to do to keep functioning, including a c-section, is exactly what you should do. There are no rules here, no guidelines.
I only wish I lived closer because I would drive over and leave prepared meals on your porch. I don’t even know you personally but I think of you each and every day now.
Be good to yourself! Big love to you and yours is flowing in from all parts and I only hope you can feel a fraction of it.
Do you have a P.O. Box or some anonymous type address so people could send you gift cards for the grocery store or maid service(or something similar)? I’d be happy to help in any way I could.
My third was a planned c-section at 37 weeks due to surgery between 2nd and 3rd child. Did the amnio the day before, too.
Honestly? While I like being able to say I birthed two big babies naturally, the planned c was not at all bad, not at all. Recovery time as short feeling as for the others. I did get what was about 36 hours of some weird depressive thing about 4 days in — I think it was maybe some hormonal crash that my body sent out due to the surprise-to-it birth? But, it went away pretty much as quickly as it happened and truly felt physical/hormonal.
You are doing everything right. I wish I could say more to bring you comfort. xoxoxo
All you have to do, all you ever have to do, is the next right thing.
Whatever choices you make, they’ll be the best ones.
You are being “expected” and asked to do something very rare…tell one child good-bye and welcome another…AND in a matter of months! That’s it…I’m sending your story to Oprah because once again, the fact that your feet hit the floor every day is probably more than I would do!! Ms. Katie, you are very inspirational for so many reasons.
and another thing….are you aware that “DARE” (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) is/has been cut from many schools!!
It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You are the one who has to put one foot in front of the other and keep going forward on this path as best you can, and it is not selfish to think about how you can best do that. A lot of people in your life love and depend on you.
I understand your reasoning here – I really, truly do. I think VBAC is a wonderful option for many women, but in your situation, even before everything with Henry, I can understand why you might be anxious about another long, hard labor that could end in a repeat c-section anyway. Certainly in your current situation, the pain, exhaustion, and uncertainty of labor might be more than you can take, and could end in an emergency c-section. I agree that you need to think about yourself as well as baby right now. It sounds like you’re planning to have a calm, orderly birth followed by a painful but manageable recovery with your baby at your breast and by your side.
But what if that’s not what happens? Are you prepared to cope, physically and emotionally, if your baby is born sick? If she is unable to breathe (despite what the amnio may say – it’s only one test and is often inconclusive) and is put in the NICU? Another sick child in the hospital – what a nightmare that would be! Has your doctor explained the potential breathing & feeding issues for a baby born at 37.5 weeks gestation, and the increased risks (for the baby) of surgical birth prior to labor beginning on its own? Considering your illness last fall and the “surprise” nature of this pregnancy, are you certain of how far along you are? I know your last 2 babies were born late pre-term, but who knows – this baby might need to bake until 41-42 weeks! I worry about the consequences if she’s taken possibly 3-4 weeks before she is ready.
I’m glad you have a doctor you trust, but I read a post you wrote over at Babble back in April, a few weeks before everything happened with Henry, where you were alarmed at the standard procedures at the hospital where you’re planning to birth – including routine separation after birth – and were considering switching hospitals. I’m sure you don’t want to deal with any more changes now. I understand this is a bad situation, and you are just trying to do your best. I just wanted to make sure you’ve considered all the angles so you can make the best decision for you and your baby.
In response to Tiffany, DARE has been cut because it’s been proven to be ineffective. I do think children need to be educated about the dangers of drugs, but as a “veteran” of DARE and another similar program, I can understand why it fails. Telling children they are bad people and will die if they smoke a joint is not going to convince them not to do drugs, because they know plenty of good people who smoke pot and DON’T die. I don’t pretend to have all the answers to solving our country’s drug problems, but I don’t think DARE is one of them.
Katie,
I cannot and will not even pretend to imagine what you and your family must be going through. YOUR decisions right now are yours and yours alone. Follow your heart and try to find some joy in meeting that baby however she appears in your life. You will continue to make all the right decisions for you and your family. You sweet, sweet woman. May all be well for this one moment.
Taking care of yourself right now is taking care of G. That’s just the whole of it.
Each birth is different for as many reasons. I was tearing up reading the chorus of support here. Hear it loud & clear.
I agree pretty much with Rebecca. I know two women with planned CS at 37 weeks and both their babies ended up in NICU on breathing treatments and their OBs had been on board with the date of the planned CS.
Most of the other comments have said it perfectly…taking care of yourself and your emotional health is what’s important right now. If you and your doctor have talked about it and considered the risks, and have come to a conclusion that both of you are comfortable with, then that’s what matters. Only you and your family can make the decision. You are such a strong lady and your kids are blessed to have you as a mama.
You’ve got nothing to prove to anyone with your decision. But it is wonderful to see you putting your emotional needs first. And I agree with a few others … can you do grief counseling while tending a newborn? I wish there were cool mom-friendly grief counselors out there who wouldn’t mind you bringing the baby and changing diapers while you talked.
and nursing, lest I forget.
I agree with everyone who said that thinking about your own mental health is thinking of your little girl. I want to add that I had one baby at 36 weeks, and another one at 37 exactly & both had lung amnios & C sections & both had absolutely no trouble breathing once they were properly suctioned. Girl babies are usually stronger at birth. The amnios done at term have very little risk & are very accurate.
I also wanted to share that I took my newborn to grief counseling ( he came right after losing my 2nd child) and as long as he was in the in-arms/sling stage there was no issue with bringing him. Sometimes the best therapists are the licensed clinical social workers, they can be very relaxed & equally well trained.
I think your plan sounds wonderful, it sounds like you are in very good hands and I wish you the best.
My friend had a planned c-section this week – she’s single, over 40 and first baby. Not in a good position to cope with surprises. Everything went well and she’s going home today, 48 hrs after delivery.
your emotional health affects the health of your baby,. Therefore, with your doctor’s consent, this is most likely the best option for BOTH you and your baby! Don’t feel selfish! I hope everything goes well!! all the best!!
Katie,
I’ve been thinking about this all day, and what I’m thinking is that labor is hard physical and emotional work under the very best of circumstances. You can’t possibly have any emotional or physical reserves left after all you’ve been through. You just can’t. It’s amazing to most of us here, I’d say, that you manage to do all that you are doing already, especially while pregnant. I totally understand why you need to see that the baby is okay as soon as possible. I don’t think you are being selfish; you are doing what you have to do in an impossible situation.
Your post gave me chills up my spine. I simply can not imagine your pain. I hope that somewhere you find the strength and comfort you need to move beyond. I can’t imagine that you will EVER stop grieving for the loss of Henry. I hurt for you and haven’t seen you since you were pregnant with your beautiful Henry. Everyone I know is praying for you and yours. God bless you Katie. God bless your family and know that Henry is surely looking down from Heaven with no pain or addiction.
my heart breaks for you.
don’t beat yourself up over a scheduled C – you’ve had one before – lots of women schedule them the first time around because they are scared of the unknown –
scheduling one instead of a vbac? MORE than ok –
xoox
Rebecca, I read your comment and did not have the same experience; as a classroom teacher of almost 20 years…I was very impressed with it. The officers and the children built meaningful and trusting relationships, and maybe it is not the cure-all, but it is worth a try to help one child. I’m sorry you didn’t experience it the same way.
and secondly, it has not been completely cut in our system due to ineffectiveness solely.
It’s far harder to grieve while trying to care for a screaming newborn…..
Katie,
I’ve been thinking about you and your family and praying for you every day since I learned about what you were going through. You are truly amazing, and you’re making a BIG difference to so many people. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m praying that everything goes smoothly with the arrival of your new baby, and I’m sending lots of love your way!
It’s not a selfish decision. We need to take care of ourselves in order to take care of our children. It is a seismic shift for you, but what a wonderful thing that we live in a time when doctors have c-section as a tool to protect the health of mothers and babies.
We look forward to “meeting” Baby G through your blogs!