I have almost no milk. I am pumping, resting as much as is feasible given the fact that I have other children, and trying to nurse as often as I can, and still….nothing. I have never had ANY supply issues, so this is a shock.
I know, I know (really, I know )….fenugreek, oatmeal, skin to skin, kangaroo, babywearing, cosleeping, SNS, reglan, (actually can’t take that because I’ve had a bad reaction to it before ….still no milk.
My neighbor who just had a baby has kindly given me some of her extra pumped milk and another friend has offered too. It’s strange to be in this position because in the past, I’ve been the one offering extra milk to friends with breastfeeding problems.
Apparently, it is not unheard of for women who have suffered a terrible loss – like, say, the loss of a child – or who are in the midst of stressful natural disasters to lose their milk supply.
Thankfully, Baby G is taking the bottle fine and seems to be gaining and growing, but DAMN. I never could have predicted this particular collateral damage. I am trying to strike a balance between trying as hard as I can to fix this problem and at the same time, relaxing and enjoying my baby, even if I am having to give her a bottle at the moment.
I know there are things left to try, and I will. But I sure wish I didn’t have to. The great thing about breastfeeding for me (beyond the fact that it’s vitally important to my babies’ health) is that it’s just so damn easy compared to the alternatives. No mixing or carrying or chilling of anything. And I tend to be pretty lazy in general, so I’ve enjoyed the lazy factor that has come with breastfeeding. But not this time. Everything is different this time.
In other news, I think C has the beginnings of hand, foot & mouth disease, following in the footsteps of her cousin NC, who is currently recuperating from the aforementioned virus. C had a high fever all night. Oh, and last night at 3am, while I was up feeding G, I turned on a show called “Raising Sextuplets” for about 20 minutes, after which I felt a lot better rested. Just watching those folks manage one year old sextuplets (while also working full time) completely wore me out. Yikes.
55 Responses to “I. have. no. milk.”
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I am so sorry. On top of everything else this is not fun.
Have you considered ordering domperidone? It is like reglan but without the side effects. It is a miracle drug. Most physicians in the US won’t prescribe it, though it is worth a try checking to see if yours will or knows about it. When I had low supply I ordered it from Australia. I was nervous as heck but it was truly amazing.
Katie, it’s not the end of the world. Formula is not poison. Yes, breast is *best*, but Georgia will be fine without your milk. It’s OK!
Sadly it’s not unexpected.
Women enduring the type of unbearable grief, crisis, PTSD do loose their milk. If you have the energy to do this, here is resource for milk sharing. It’s not a milk bank.
http://milkshare.birthingforlife.com
Research carefully before you decide to take domperidone or Reglan, Dr Hale and Marsha Walker just opened up a study about the side effects of these medications. You are very high risk for postpartum depression. That is a known side effect to these meds.
Micaela,
I sure your intention was to be helpful and kind.
However, Slogans don’t help mothers who are grieving their inability to provide breast milk.
Having breastmilk and nursing a baby is just normal.
She knows her baby will be fine. Will Katie be fine, that is the concern.
Dewi: I actually did get PPD after taking Reglan… That’s why, after receiving proper treatment, I switched to domperidone… From my research & experience, domperidone does not have the same side effects. I will be interested to see the results of that study! Either way, Katie, I am so glad that you are doing the right thing and keeping baby G happy! What a blessing that she is switching so nicely from the bottle to the breast. Sounds like a smart cookie already!
Maybe it’s for the best. Both pregnancy and grief take an extra-ordinary toll on our physical bodies. Your body seems to be telling you something your brain my not want to hear, but that it needs to listen to.
The bottle is easier for little G to get the nourishment she needs (my first child was a 34 week preemie and she was having a hard time with nursing; at a certain point the only thing that mattered to me was that the scale started moving up rather than down). It also allows other people (like your husband) to share in her care more – you have done an incredible amount of work over the past eight months to get her to where she is now. It’s hard to continue to let other people help you when you feel like people have been doing so much for you for so long. But remember, you’ve done it all for G to this point (because well, no one else could – she was inside you).
Your previous post tells just how much C needs “Mommy-and-JUST-ME” time right now after all the stress she’s been under. Having teen girls myself, I know they are as needy of Mom’s attention as toddlers are – they are also at a point where they need guidance to navigate their increasing need and desire for independence. I have no experience with boys – E looks like he’s thriving but I’m sure there is stuff you haven’t posted (or even haven’t experienced with him yet; you’ve been focused elsewhere for obvious reasons and he’s been off at camp – a great thing for him BTW). Maybe this issue with your milk is a way of telling you that you need to hand baby G over to other people who love her just as much as you do so you can be there for your other babies who need you just as much.
Don’t let your expectation of how things “should be” get in the way of the continuing beauty of how “things are” and clutter the path to how “things will be” when you slog through this. It will all work out.
This must be so frustrating for you. I had similar issues with one of my babies, and the frustration compounded the problem (as did the woman who yelled at me for using formula — ah, park slope!)
The only thing you may be able to control today are your expectations. Try to be generous with yourself.
Dewi, ….? Someone is reaching out, trying to provide reassurance. No need to police comments.
Katie,
I think you should try domperidone. I ordered mine from Inhouse Pharmacy and it shipped from New Zealand. However, it took about 12-15 days to arrive. If you decide you want to try it, I have a few boxes left over that would get you started. I’d be more than happy to ship them to you. Please send me an email if you’d like to have them.
Acupuncture is the only thing I can think of that you didn’t try. Just to put it out here – it helped me with my 4th.
But in your situation – you can let it go without feeling bad. Breastfeeding is wonderful and I’m sorry if this comfort is taken from you, but your darling G. will not miss it. I have seen many healthy, happy bottle fed children, as you certainly have, too. It’s easy to say don’t obsess – my thoughts are with you, I understand you want to do everything.
In Israel, we drink a mixture of fenugreek and chamomile tea.
Wishing you the best. Whatever you do in the end, I’m sure it’s the best.
It happened to me too, and oh, the guilt i felt. Nursed my daughter without anything else for 5 months, and her brother was on formula by day 7… the milk came, but it was so little. I still don’t know why. Perhaps because I hemoragghed (again) and my body couldn’t summon up the enrgy after 2 babies/hemoorhaages in 17 months? I did all the beer, resting, herbs, skin-to-skin, and it did help, so that he was down to 4-5 ounces of supplement for the first few months, but it never was what it should be.
When he was four months old I got sick and tired of giving him formula that I didn’t belive in, so I began making my own ingredients according to the Weston A. Price’s website. He was a health baby before and a healthy baby after, but it made me feel better, knowing exactly what he was drinking and giving him fresh high-quality grass-fed cow’s milk instead of that awful dehydrated stuff.
Cut yourself a break, Katie. It is different this time. Not your fault. She is a miracle baby and you are a miracle mama.
This happened to me with baby #4. Babies #2 and #3 weaned late in the pregnancy (at ages 5 and 3, so they weren’t nursing much, but still), and our family was in terrible stress and life upheaval while I was pregnant and thereafter.
#4 wasn’t gaining, and she was sleeping a lot, but it was wonderful, because I had a chance to rest and try to pull things together. I couldn’t see how ill she was until I got to the five month checkup and she was closer to her birth weight than she was to her three month weight. The veil was immediately lifted, and I could see how painfully thin she was. I realized that things she had begun to do – like cooing and smiling – she hadn’t done in the past week or so. I broke down… she would have been hospitalized had the doctor not trusted me to feed her bottles while we worked on the milk supply, knowing that it would be easier to continue to care for the other kids if I could do that at home.
She immediately began to gain on the formula, and although I tried everything, including the domperidone, my milk never returned. I was able to keep her nursing for several months, but we never crossed that divide of nursing for comfort once she was grabbing solid foods near her first year.
I was still running Nestmom.com at the time, and was brokenhearted that me, of all people, couldn’t get it together. But we kept moving forward, and she was just as attached to me as the others… in some ways, even more so, because she was one tidbit of joy in an otherwise very dark time in our lives. The bottles were a pain, because like you, I was just so used to not having to do any of that prep and busy work.
She’s ten now, and just as cuddly and healthy as you could imagine. She still is a joy to me in a very special way. Health-wise, she doesn’t seem to suffer any consequences of not having as much milk as the others did, although we’re all pretty healthy for the most part.
Take care of yourself first and foremost, and take it a step at a time on this very different journey.
Not to hijack the thread.
Here is the information about the Survey of Domperidone and Metoclopramide Use in Breastfeeding Mothers.
Please take it if you used these drugs.
United States Lactation Consultant Association
Marsha Walker, RN, IBCLC, RLC
Thomas Hale & Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, co-investigators.
We are pleased to announce our new online research study, a survey of women’s experience with the drugs metoclopramide and domperidone, which can be used to stimulate milk production. We would like to collect side effect information on both drugs from as many mothers as possible worldwide.
The survey link is:
http://surveys.ttuhsc.edu/wsb.dll/s/60g759
For more information about the study, contact Dr. Kendall-Tackett at: kkendallt@aol.com
Please let mothers know about our study. The more women we can get to participate, the more valid our findings. Thanks for your help.
The survey takes 20-30 minutes to complete and is confidential. It has been approved by the Institutional Review Board at Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center, Amarillo, TX.
With both my kids I had a huge supply of milk during the first 6 months when they were exclusively breastfed, but it dwindled precipitously when they began eating table food. The second time around I ended up buying domperidone from a pharmacy in New Zealand, and let me tell you, it really works. I tried fenugreek with the first one and it didn’t really help that much and made me smell weird. I would highly recommend the domperidone. It’s OTC in many countries.
Katie, please try not to think of this as “damage.” G. will be just fine, regardless of how her feeding works out. You will be, too. Sooo much love for you …
Dear Katie,
First, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have been reading your blog and crying along with you.
I also dealt with hyperemesis during pregnancy, had a very stressful labor, and ended up with a low milk supply. I was seeing a lactation consultant and, like you, tried everything. Nothing worked, and it was awful. Finally I went on Domperidone and after a couple weeks, it worked for me. My son is now 11 months old and is still nursing like a champ. As another commenter mentioned, I also ordered my Domperidone from In House Pharmacy in New Zealand.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Wishing you the very best.
I’m in Canada, Katie, where domperidone is widely used and I’d be happy to arrange to get some to you if you’d like. Let me know.
I’m sorry you’re having such a struggle. Even though logically you know that its a different situation with your other babies and that its not outside the norm for you to have supply issues after such stressful couple of months followed by a huge loss…even though all that is logical, I know it doesn’t always help how you *feel* about it.
You’ll be in my prayers as you decide what is the best thing for you and your family. {{{HUGS}}}}
Sending you love Katie, nothing but love. *hug*
Well, Katie, I’ve been reading for awhile now, but never posted before.
I breast-fed my first son quite successfully. However, in between babies, I was diagnosed with breast cancer on one side. The surgeon felt that I should go radical and get both removed. After much heartache and stress (I was in a doctoral program at the time too), I decided that he was right. If both were gone, then I’d have less than a 5% chance of EVER having breast cancer again.
So, my second son was completely formula fed. He’s very healthy, happy, and energetic. He is a normal learner as well (I’m a doctor of education, so I can gauge this). So while breast is best, and this I do know, formula is fine too. It may not be what you want to do (I sure didn’t want to), but your baby will be fine. There are some very good formulas out there.
All the best–A.K.
Katie — given your bout with thyroiditis last year, you are at substantially higher risk of post-partum thyroid problems. And one of the common symptoms of post-partum thyroid issues is low milk supply.
The stress you’ve gone through losing your son also increases the risk of a thyroid irregularity post-partum.
I’m not sure if you remember back to when E was born, but we were on the expectant mom’s list together. My daughter is now 12, like E. I have a thyroid condition and have become a thyroid patient advocate, writing about thyroid disease online and in various books. In my book Thyroid Hormone Breakthrough, I have several chapters devoted to post-partum thyroid issues, including breastfeeding difficulties and low milk supply.
Back when we had our babies, I had serious milk supply problems, due to thyroid and hormone irregularities. It was complicated by my daughter having a poor suck reflex.
I tried everything — a nursing vacation, around the clock pumping using a hospital grade pump, and a hand pump, fenugreek supplements, parsley, beer, finger feeding, cup feeding, hydration, the supplemental nursing system, etc. and consulted with La Leche experts, a pediatric breastfeeding NP expert, my doula, and a lactation consultant — but had no choice ultimately but to supplement heavily with formula when after a few weeks, my daughter had lost significant body weight, and was having few wet or dirty diapers.
I pumped religiously for six months, some days getting no more than one ounce or two, which I gave to my daughter. The last day I pumped, it took an hour to get an ounce, and that’s when I finally stopped.
Some women with post-partum thyroid issues that are undiagnosed/untreated can resolve milk supply problems with thyroid treatment. So do have your TSH, Free T4, Free T3 and thyroid antibodies all checked, bec. if your thyroid is out of balance, it can drastically affect your milk supply.
In some cases, like mine, you can do everything possible, including having your thyroid properly treated, and the hormone imbalances can still affect milk supply, but as noted, even then, I still managed to get my daughter some breast milk, despite major obstacles.
I’d also advise that you have the baby’s thyroid rechecked (usually it’s checked at birth during the heel stick) in case there was any antibody transfer or she has any transient thyroid issues — they can exacerbate sleepiness and lack of interest in feeding in a newborn.
And if you do need to use formula, do consider avoiding soy formulas, which can be linked to a risk of thyroid irregularities. In fact, some nations have made it available to children only by prescription, if they cannot take any other formulas (due to concerns over the hormonal effects.)
Take care, and many healing vibes headed your way,
Mary
Dear Katie,
Welcome to yet another club nobody wants to be a part of. Nursing problems are so difficult and there is so little support. There’s plenty of support to fix you – “you wouldn’t have these problems if you were doing it right. Did you try this and this and this and this?” – but no support when it doesn’t work. The entire concept is taboo. God forbid you suggest that, even following the rules and killing yourself to make it work, desperately doing your absolute best, it just might not work.
I succumbed to the pressure. I did everything I could. It was to my poor baby’s detriment. When I finally gave up and started tapering feedings, my milk was completely gone two days later. Stress was a huge factor for me. It was bad stress, but nothing like you’re experiencing. There are people out there who understand.
There are legions of mothers who tried, even after being successful, and ended up crying as we bought formula that we were convinced would poison our babies. It is not nature’s perfect food, but it’s better than no food at all. A good mother feeds her baby in the best way she can. It’s a dirty underworld of shame, and it shouldn’t me. Motherhood is hard enough.
And for what it’s worth, I never chilled formula. I carried bottles of water and added the powder. It was hugely convenient, honestly.
Nothing to offer but some *hugs*. Thinking of you.
Someone may have mentioned this but have your thyroid checked. I had no milk supply with my third (his birth occurred at a very stressful time for us but nothing like the stress you are under) and it turned out that the stress/ birth combo fried my thyroid.
Another Canadian chiming in re: domperidone. I’m a doula and have known many clients, peers, friends, fellow LLL members to use domperidone without side effects, and to great success. I’m willing to ship if you need some, too. Big hugs to you and many prayers for you and your family.
Thank you Mary! I am a nurse-midwife and the first thing that came to mind was thyroid.
Katie, I know you have been through so so much this year. I am so sorry. Please hug those babies and go get your thyroid levels drawn asap!
Misty
Everyone has excellent suggestions re: domperidone (worked wonders for me), thyroid check, giving yourself a break, etc. I would also suggest emailing or calling the wonderful Dr. Mona Gabbay, an MD specializing in lactation issues. She is in Westchester, NY but I’ve personally found her to be incredibly generous in reaching out to struggling mothers. Very compassionate, and she may have some additional insight into your unique combination of trauma, preemie, thyroid, hyperemesis, etc. Or she can help you find a local MD with the right expertise.
http://www.thebreastfeedingdoctor.com/
(914) 632-7999
Be kind to yourself.
I used domperidone, Katie. If your doctor will prescribe it, you can get it compounded at the Medicune Shoppe. That will be more expensive than getting it by mail, but you could get your first batch to get started right away.
When I had feeding issues with Lorelei, I also tried everything before resorting to formula. The one thing I could have kept doing and didn’t was continuing to pump so that some of her supplemental feedings could have been breast milk instead of formula. Some of my newsgroup friends encouraged that. But I had to let something go, and that was it. I felt sorry about that, but never guilty, because I had done all I could. I hope you won’t feel guilty once you have done all that you feel you can do.
Try drinking Malta. The latin community swears by it!
Just more hugs.
Katie yes you know all the “correct” things, but this situation is different. I suspect your grief is affecting your hormones (pre term labor & now LMS!) I strongly encourage you to seek outside assistance from a MW or IBCLC. You can protect your milk supply, but it will take work. Thinking of you!!
If you can look at the flowers that are blooming, the patterns of the clouds in the sky, the strong growing tall trees and smile thinking of Henry. Henry is now all around you in the gentle breeze of air that is surrounding your body giving you gentle hugs. He is saying “mom I am ok”.
This baby needs her mother to focus on her. Get someone to come in and help with the other children for awhile. Wrap the baby around you naked, skin to skin, in a sling or other like carrier. Melt into one with her. Gaze into her eyes. Sing to her. Allow your mind, body and soul to heal from the grief, the turmoil, the birth.
Create a peaceful place, area, corner in your home. Light candles, put on calming music, ask your mind to calm and your body heal.
You, Katie, are loved throughout the world. With that comes a responsibility that you may need to step away from for awhile. Your body is telling you that. Listen to it.
Hi Katie
The same thing happened to me when my daughter was 6 months old and my best friend passed away from cancer at age 37. The stress & grief made my milk go away and it was devastating to me. It took me a long time to recover from both losses. I hope that things turn out differently for you and that you don’t have to cope with yet another loss.
Have you tried accupunture? Could help and it is really non-invasive.
If for some reason your milk does not return, look into goat milk as an alternative. My daughter loved it and that really worked for us. Not sure how that would work for a baby under 6 months and hopefully you won’t have to find out, but there you go.
Hang in there and drink water until you think you may burst.
All the best,
Lisa
Oh, so sorry! I struggled with low milk supply due to depression and ptsd with my first. None of the normal methods worked to bring me up to levels where I could ever really pump much, but I was able to get it up enough that I didn’t have to supplement too much. I do know one woman whose milk supply was low due to emotional stress (and you’ve had so much!) who found that her supply returned when she was put on zoloft. Don’t know if you’re already on meds or not. Thinking of you and your family. You are amazing.
Katie,
You very likely know this, but the finish at the breast method of supplementing seems to be more helpful to increasing supply, than others. http://www.lowmilksupply.org/finishatthebreast.shtml
Domperidone may help. It does not cause depression as Reglan can do, if that was a side effect for you. You can buy time with this, but it is a commitment. I’m with you, it’s worth it in the long run since it helps us lazy parents. Bottles are much more work.
I marvel at your ability to just be. I’m grateful to be with you through your words. The body tells the story of how off balance you must be without your first born son. I’m sending you love from Oregon today. I’m here taking care of a flood in the house of my mom who died in 2009. I feel fine, but I can’t sleep, so I know the stress is effecting me.
I hope you can be gentle on yourself and know that whatever little Georgia gets from you is golden.
Oh, also, you may know about more milk plus by motherlove. It seems to help in many cases. http://www.motherlove.com/ tincture seems better than the pills.
I had low supply issues as well and was told when my son was a month old that I had to begin supplementing or risk a ‘failure to thrive’ diagnosis. It was devastating. On of the things I looked forward to most in becoming a parent was nursing my baby and then I was told that my desire to exclusively BF was hurting him. He is three years old now and I still mourn that and feel like I was a failure. I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope that you are able to get your supply up. My thoughts are with you.
I don’t know whether you were seeking as much (very well-intended advice as you got, but if so, I’ll chime in a bit.
I heartily agree with those who are recommending domperidone over reglan. It’s a world of difference. Also agree with the recommendation for More Milk Plus.
I implore you to try the Lact-Aid instead of the SNS if you choose to use an at-the-breast supplementation system. It’s much more user-friendly – I used it with my daughter after trying the SNS for a miserable 2 or 3 days before giving up. I fully credit the Lact-Aid with finally getting my daughter onto the breast (it took us 5 months).
But most of all, be as kind and gentle with yourself as you can.
I’m glad I adopted so I missed out on this confusing thing called breastfeeding. My sister couldn’t nurse her bio kids either due to surgery when she was younger. All of our young adult kids are happy, healthy, fine and nicely attached to parents and family.
Breastfeeding is great; not breastfeeding is fine.
I never found bottle feeding to be a big deal. It wasn’t any more complicated than whipping up a box of mac & cheese (Amy’s Organic, of course).
Checking thyroid seems like a smart first step although surely the ob/gyn already suggested that.
I’m so sorry. I know how frustrating it can be to not be able to nurse when you so want to. I’m going through the same thing right now, although mine is 10 months, it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty about not being able to give him what I gave his older brother. I think my problems are stress-related. Maybe yours are too?
Woman, I am so damned worried about you.
I was up last night with my latest lung infection, unable to sleep, and I watched Raising Sextuplets, too. The Masches are well known here in Arizona. I think that Jenny is a living doll and a wonderful mother, but I have many many many problems with Bryan, the father. Selfish, full of anger issues, overbearing, and did I mention selfish?
I’m a mostly-lurker, but I have a young son with whom I had milk supply issues. Nothing exceptionally unusual, but I was completely taken by surprise by the guilt and the grieving at not being able to be “normal” and just feed my freakin’ child. I just want to say two things: one, that I’m sorry you’re going through this, too. Second: it’s hard to do this, but give yourself permission to do whatever feels right for you and know that no matter what you do someone out there will want to tell you its wrong. Pump like crazy, take domperidone, nurse every hour with an SNS? People will tell you that you don’t have to work so hard, ask if you’re *sure* she’s not starving, dontcha know formula isn’t poison? Say to hell with it and go to formula feeding so you can focus on other things? The boob police will let you know you didn’t try hard enough. Try to continue breastfeeding while supplementing as a long-term solution? You get to make *everyone* mad! Best of luck.
Did anyone here see the movie “Babies?”
Imagine living with the African ladies for a couple of months. They were the calmest mothers I have ever seen. Babies playing with rusted cans? No problem. Boobs down to your waist? No problem. Offer the breast to someone else’s snot-faced toddler? No problem. Somebody screams and hits? No problem. Pick bugs off your leg? No problem.
And the kids seemed wonderfully calm and happy.
After a while, I wanted red mud and beads in my hair and a loincloth and a dirt patch to share with some friends too. I’d learn to make fufu and BE CALM.
I was enchanted by the calm.
Katie -
You have received all the advice that could possibly be offered — so I have nothing to add.
BUt, I will remind you that you have thousands upon thousands of people loving you and your family from afar.
You are doing your best. Your best IS good enough. Baby G will thrive with you as her mother, regardless of what type of milk she receives.
I know the frustration — my 4 month old son was diagnosed as failure to thrive at 7 weeks — after many struggles with breastfeeding (he was born at 35 weeks, as well — and had multiple issues with blood sugar, jaundice, etc). It was so painful for me— and I hate that you – after going through all you have gone through — are dealing with one more stressor.
Please know that you are being supported in spirit by many…
Oh, that’s hard. Really hard. We thought I had supplu issues with my son, and it was devastating. And the cycle of nursing/supplemental bottle/pump every 2 hours was unbelievably hard. I feel for you. Wish there was something I could do to help
.
I do, however, now have a bit of extra milk, that I would be happy to donate. I live in the Pacific Northwest, though, so not sure how feasible it is-send me an email if you’re interested.
Stephanie
Sometimes it feels like when it rains it pours. You’re very lucky to have so much support and to have an outlet like your blog to release your feelings. I totally understand what you’re saying about the laziness factor when it comes to breastfeeding. Not that I couldn’t do what comes with bottlefeeding if I had to, but breastfeeding is just so easy.
I think there are a lot of great comments above – esp. Noelle’s. Sometimes things happen for a reason and maybe this is one way of getting other people involved in feeding the baby while you use your time in giving yourself to the other children. It’s not ideal, it’s not how you envisioned it but then neither is everything else you’ve been through these past few months. I hope I don’t sound condescending – that is far from my intention.
I wanted to suggest that maybe you need to see a counsellor for your grief – all of it, not just related to Henry. Reading your last post regarding C, perhaps you should think about getting her to go too. I know she’s little but perhaps a professional can help deal her deal with her feelings… and your other children too. You’ve all been through a lot and it’s going to take a long time to get to your new normal. Your kids have you and their fathers to help them through this time but it’s not easy since you’re also going through your own grief. You might have already considered this but if you haven’t, I just thought I’d put it out there. Given that I’m a stranger from another continent, I hope you don’t find it presumptive of me to go doling out advice. God knows I probably need it more than you do! I hope it all works out for you Katie, whichever way the breastfeeding goes. Be ready to go where the tide takes you.
Katie, you’ve received a lot of great advice already, but I’ll just add that Dr. Jack Newman is an excellent resource. He runs a breastfeeding institute in Toronto, and when I needed some help, I emailed and received a response which really helped (they run on donations for such consults). He’s pretty much North American’s leading breastfeeding expert, and being Canadian, can readily prescribe domperidone. (not sure why Americans are heading to New Zealand when Canada, and Canadian pharmacies, are on the doorstep…)
http://www.nbci.ca/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=62&Itemid=33
Wish there were some way to help ease your burdens in the practical, day-to-day sense…
I’m totally with you on this – milk supply is very emotional-state-dependent. I lost my first daughter on 13 July 2000 when I was more than 5 months pregnant, and I leaked milk for ages afterwards. When my second daughter was born on 27 December 2001 (at 37 weeks, 4.6 lbs) my milk never “came in” and we had many, many feeding issues early on. And I really, really beat myself up about it.
Your remark that “breastfeeding is vitally important for my babies’ health” really struck me – it’s not strictly true: what is vitally important for your adorable newborn daughter is that she get fed. If it’s breastmilk, so much the better (cheaper, more practical, bla, bla, bla). But if it’s formula, she’ll likely be just as healthy, just as intelligent, just as perfect (both my daughters were bottle fed after the Great No Milk Disasters of 2001/2002 and 2004 and both are incredibly healthy, very bright and absolutely beautiful (though I may be a little biased), so really…).
If your milk supply perks up, good on you. If it doesn’t, it DOESN’T MATTER. Here in France (where formula feeding is considered BAD MOTHERING and FREAKISH) I got much hassle from the breastfeeding militia, even when I was doing EVERYTHING (herbal teas, hops, lentils, pumping, feeding every 2 hours round the clock…) and it wasn’t till Carla’s paediatrician told me that the best thing for her would be a) a reliable supply of milk and b) a happy, healthy mother that I gave in, gave up breastfeeding and started to enjoy my daughter at last (the nightmare lasted 6 weeks). With number 2 (born on 27 April 2004), I tried but didn’t do any of the pumping, herbal teas etc. And gave up after a month. And never looked back.
Enjoy your daughter, enjoy bottle-feeding her (no need for chilling, either), enjoy watching her grow. That’s all that matters.
I wish you happiness and peace.
I do not want to alarm you in any way (you’ve had enough of that for sure) but keep an eye on Baby G related to C’s hand, foot and mouth. My then 3 year-old brought it home (sans fever) to my 8 week old several years ago and it showed up as viral (NOT bacterial) meningitis; evidenced by an extremely high fever. Children’s handled beautifully of course and all is fine. Would never have guessed the connection in the moment.
My mom nursed all my siblings. Three days before I was born, my father, her husband, passed away. She wasn’t able to nurse me at all! Don’t beat yourself up. You’re doing everything you can for her. It’s not for a lack of effort, obviously, it’s just nature. Baby G will be fine and you need to cut yourself some slack.
the topics you discuss are nasty. please talk about more pleasant things. foot and mouth disease? is your child a cow, or is that just you? im very confused.