C is a very sweet-natured, easygoing two year old in general. But she’s been through A LOT in the past 10 months – too much. As a testament to her naturally easy going temperament, she held it together through my hospitalization last fall (we hadn’t ever been separated that much – not by a longshot) and then through the nearly 4 months that I was barely functional and often in bed due to killer “morning” sickness. She was calm and patient as I next spent five solid weeks at Henry’s bedside in the hospital, meaning she was separated from me constantly and when we were together, I was distracted, worried and sad. Then, on May 31, she lived through the devastating death of her oldest brother and the grief that enveloped our household, including seeing me essentially take to my bed for two weeks.
After that, only a few weeks later, her baby sister was born at only 35 weeks . G’s early birth by c-section meant that I spent 5 days in the hospital with the new baby, once again separated from C, who is still a baby herself. It’s just been far too much for anyone to handle, much less a toddler. Now, finally, C is not holding it together so well. She’s understandably showing the strain of everything our family has been through since last October.
Don’t get me wrong, she’s exceptionally sweet directly toward her baby sister. It’s toward the REST of us that she’s is showing her frustration. For the first time ever, she’s kicking and hitting at her cousins, her older siblings and at Jon and me. She’s throwing real, honest to goodness temper tantrums for the first time. She’s whining like crazy (although that’s starting to let up some). She’s just REALLY, REALLY mad and she’s obviously finally letting off some pent-up steam – some very, very pent-up steam.
My sister pointed out the other day that I was being too snappish with her when she melts down, so I am now trying much harder to be as gentle and understanding as I can be. Jon and I are also working hard to normalize her daily routine after so much uncertainty and being shuffled around in recent months. But she just doesn’t have the words or the emotional resources to explain to us how stressed she’s been, so falling apart is all she can do. Dealing with her tantrums and anger have been trying for the rest of us in the family in the past two weeks, but I hope that finally letting it all out is giving her some relief. I am very proud of how sweet and patient E and J are being with her, even when she’s being really cranky with them.
Henry (age 3) was really furious when J came home from the hospital. He developed a weird nervous tic for several months and for a short time, he literally refused to look at me or speak to me any time I was holding his little sister. After about a month or so, he fell in love with her and after that, they were always as close as two siblings could be. Then, both Henry (age 6 at the time) and J (age 2) were just thrilled when E was born. They never showed any stress to speak of. The three of them became a tight unit for the next decade. My three babies – for many years, I never imagined there would be a fourth or a fifth!
I have to admit that I was REALLY worried when C was born in 2007 because she was a newcomer to that threesome of siblings who were now 15, 12 and 9 years old. During my pregnancy with C, Henry and J were not happy AT ALL that I was having a new baby. In fact, all three musketeers were incredibly embarrassed at the idea that their mom was having a baby NINE YEARS after the last baby joined the family. Henry was flat out angry about it – something about which I felt terribly guilty at the time. Once C arrived, however, J and E were immediately smitten with their little sister. It took Henry a while to come around. But once C could babble and reach for him, he began to melt; he totally fell for his baby sister. And she was just nuts about Henry. C loved him very much.
Now we’ve brought G home only 34 months after C joined our family (yes, she is definitely our last)… And Henry is gone – he just missed his newest baby sister in this time zone. But I know they will see one another again, and I like to think that they were together before she was born. On the day Henry died, I sat on his bed with his feet and legs in my lap and felt G kick against them, through my very pregnant belly. On that day, the two of them were connecting physically for the first and only time. As their mother, this was both beautiful and terrible for me to experience, but they touched each other. That will always be meaningful to me.
But back to poor C….she’s just completely overwhelmed at the moment.
Did your toddler melt down when a new baby came home? Tell me about it and tell me how you helped him or her through the transition. I’d love to hear from others who have dealt with their own Very Angry Toddler.
57 Responses to “One Very Angry Toddler”
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hi katie – have you come across Hand in Hand/Patty Wipfler’s work with babies’ and childrens’ emotional storms and tantrums etc. she calls it ‘stay listening’? (www.handinhandparenting.org) – i’ve found it to be the most loving and nurturing and also incredibly powerful and effective way to deal with tears and tantrums and the release of emotional stress so, once released, children can return to being their true beautiful selves once again.
hi again katie – that last little note was cut short sorry by my own tantruming toddler! (we’re in the UK so it’s morning now – I think its the middle of the night with you). I just wanted to add that I think the HandinHand approach totally validates your own intuition that your beautiful little girl C’s tantrums etc. are actually her emotionally healing in the best/only way she knows how – releasing the stress from her little body through tears/physically thrashing etc. Because yes, as you said, she has been through so very, very much recently, more than imaginable (as have you too, of course) and that needs to find an emotional release, with loving support, so she can begin to heal. Patty Wipfler (if you can get the cds she has such a nurturing voice it soothes me to just listen) is also, i’ve found, so very supportive of the emotional needs of the parent who is emotionally supporting the child – we could all do perhaps (not only little ones) with strong, unconditionally loving arms around us sometimes as we fully feel our tears and fears and our grief. What you yourself, as well as C and the rest of your family, have been through these last months is just so very much for anyone to emotionally bear – but there you are still able to see ‘through’ your little girl’s tantrums with compassion and love to what they really are… you still have so much love and care to give even in your own grief and need for love and care – that’s what an amazing and beautiful mother you are. with love julia
I’ve got a barely 4 yr old and an almost 2yr old and a 10 wk old, and I’ve been really struggling with the 2 yr old. I am ‘Bad Mummy’ for changing her diaper or giving the green sippy instead of the pink. She’s started pinching and hitting her older sister and she’s quite angry with me, as I appear to be the one responsible for the appearance of the youngest. Which means she screams for Daddy whenever I put my foot down. It can be embarrassing and quite frankly, it hurts my feelings, but that’s not really important.
Your circumstances are different, more complex. Your C has more on her very little plate, and I’m not sure how you should handle it. But I know you’re aware that as a parent, your job is to keep the rails lovingly in place around her. I continue with my little girl to require appropriate behaviour for her age from her, and do my best to distract from the tantrums, remind of the right behaviour, ignore the worst when she is so far into meltdown that she’s unreachable, and be there to help her move past ot once it’s over. And I’d be lying if I said there weren’t time-outs involved every now and again.
My best to you and your family.
Oh, and re the milk supply- don’t forget in all the business and difficulty to drink LOTS of water.
Unending patience and love and guidance of a firm hand to lead her.
My daughter was born on Mother’s Day, 2 months shy of my son’s 3rd birthday. At first my son didn’t want to go near me when I was holding the baby. With time he was oksay with it and wanted to hold her, help burp her, and tells her she’s cute and kisses her all the time. But when he wakes up from naps, he has awful tantrums! I have learned how to handle his, talk calmly, distraction (sometimes a favorite TV show works)but my husband gets frustrated because he isn’t home for most of them and can’t handle them. These tantrums didn’t start until after the baby was born. This past Sunday, he had an awful one in Church right before the baby’s Christening. Thankfully a good friend took him out of the church and calmed him down. Looking back, I’m wondering if he was upset that the focus was on her at the time and not on him. I don’t think my family and friends believed me when I was telling them about his tantrums, until this past Sunday when he showed everyone!
I think we just need to be patient and give the older ones extra attention, which I have been doing. I know my son loves his sister, but can understand his frustration at times because now he has to wait his turn if I’m with the baby.
I think you are being too hard on yourself when you say that your toddler is acting up because of everything that has happened. Maybe. Or maybe it is just that time in a toddler’s life when they start trying out that kind of behavior. Just remember that if you snap at her, she’ll learn to respond with anger. It is quite scary that some children never get over the birth of a sibling, but most of them do come around. I find it useful to treat problems as stages a child passes through, rather than as a new and permanent state of being to root out. So, don’t worry about her suddenly becoming a horrible brat, because she won’t.
I don’t have any real advice, but I just wanted to say that I think you’re amazing. You just seem so thoughtful and introspective, in a situation where many people wouldn’t be able to (and rightly so!). The thing that struck me the most is that when your sister told you that you were being too snappy, you listened, and took it to heart. That’s quite something, to be able to question yourself and take advice like that, without being defensive.
Bless you.
I like the circling the wagons idea, too, even as the thought of trying to do it makes me a little itchy and twitchy.
All of our tantrums here are met with hugs lately, and we haven’t had half the stress you’ve been under.