One Very Angry Toddler
Posted on 07/12/2010 11:41 am by kagranju
C is a very sweet-natured, easygoing two year old in general. But she’s been through A LOT in the past 10 months – too much. As a testament to her naturally easy going temperament, she held it together through my hospitalization last fall (we hadn’t ever been separated that much – not by a longshot) and then through the nearly 4 months that I was barely functional and often in bed due to killer “morning” sickness. She was calm and patient as I next spent five solid weeks at Henry’s bedside in the hospital, meaning she was separated from me constantly and when we were together, I was distracted, worried and sad. Then, on May 31, she lived through the devastating death of her oldest brother and the grief that enveloped our household, including seeing me essentially take to my bed for two weeks.
After that, only a few weeks later, her baby sister was born at only 35 weeks . G’s early birth by c-section meant that I spent 5 days in the hospital with the new baby, once again separated from C, who is still a baby herself. It’s just been far too much for anyone to handle, much less a toddler. Now, finally, C is not holding it together so well. She’s understandably showing the strain of everything our family has been through since last October.
Don’t get me wrong, she’s exceptionally sweet directly toward her baby sister. It’s toward the REST of us that she’s is showing her frustration. For the first time ever, she’s kicking and hitting at her cousins, her older siblings and at Jon and me. She’s throwing real, honest to goodness temper tantrums for the first time. She’s whining like crazy (although that’s starting to let up some). She’s just REALLY, REALLY mad and she’s obviously finally letting off some pent-up steam – some very, very pent-up steam.
My sister pointed out the other day that I was being too snappish with her when she melts down, so I am now trying much harder to be as gentle and understanding as I can be. Jon and I are also working hard to normalize her daily routine after so much uncertainty and being shuffled around in recent months. But she just doesn’t have the words or the emotional resources to explain to us how stressed she’s been, so falling apart is all she can do. Dealing with her tantrums and anger have been trying for the rest of us in the family in the past two weeks, but I hope that finally letting it all out is giving her some relief. I am very proud of how sweet and patient E and J are being with her, even when she’s being really cranky with them.
Henry (age 3) was really furious when J came home from the hospital. He developed a weird nervous tic for several months and for a short time, he literally refused to look at me or speak to me any time I was holding his little sister. After about a month or so, he fell in love with her and after that, they were always as close as two siblings could be. Then, both Henry (age 6 at the time) and J (age 2) were just thrilled when E was born. They never showed any stress to speak of. The three of them became a tight unit for the next decade. My three babies – for many years, I never imagined there would be a fourth or a fifth!
I have to admit that I was REALLY worried when C was born in 2007 because she was a newcomer to that threesome of siblings who were now 15, 12 and 9 years old. During my pregnancy with C, Henry and J were not happy AT ALL that I was having a new baby. In fact, all three musketeers were incredibly embarrassed at the idea that their mom was having a baby NINE YEARS after the last baby joined the family. Henry was flat out angry about it – something about which I felt terribly guilty at the time. Once C arrived, however, J and E were immediately smitten with their little sister. It took Henry a while to come around. But once C could babble and reach for him, he began to melt; he totally fell for his baby sister. And she was just nuts about Henry. C loved him very much.
Now we’ve brought G home only 34 months after C joined our family (yes, she is definitely our last)… And Henry is gone – he just missed his newest baby sister in this time zone. But I know they will see one another again, and I like to think that they were together before she was born. On the day Henry died, I sat on his bed with his feet and legs in my lap and felt G kick against them, through my very pregnant belly. On that day, the two of them were connecting physically for the first and only time. As their mother, this was both beautiful and terrible for me to experience, but they touched each other. That will always be meaningful to me.
But back to poor C….she’s just completely overwhelmed at the moment.
Did your toddler melt down when a new baby came home? Tell me about it and tell me how you helped him or her through the transition. I’d love to hear from others who have dealt with their own Very Angry Toddler.
07/12/2010 at 11:48 am
That little face says it all! Even pouting and crabbing she’s adorable. I know that LISTENING to the whining isn’t all that great, but it will let up. Here’s hoping the adjustment starts getting smoother. Hang in there
07/12/2010 at 11:49 am
What an incredibly tough situation for a toddler – and for her family. I wish you the best.
07/12/2010 at 11:54 am
I lost a dear friend of mine to cancer in 2007, and shortly thereafter witnessed her young daughter have a horrible screaming fit over a broken toy. Her dad was arguing that it was just a fucking toy, which in his own grief was all that it was–who cares about a toy when your wife is dead? The little girl, though, was screaming for her mommy. I held her and sang the “It’s all right to cry” song from Free to Be…You & Me (my years of therapy sank in at just the right moment). I hope your family can help C let it out, as much as it may pain all of you in the short term. C will thank you later.
07/12/2010 at 12:29 pm
Poor Little C – I have no advice for you, except to say that I think you are doing the right thing by being as patient as you can with her and let her let it all out.
It’s hard enough for us as adults to comprehend what has happened, much less find the words…imagine how she feels.
Thinking of you –
xoxo
07/12/2010 at 12:38 pm
Our kiddo didn’t show any antagonism to her new baby until he was moving. She dud though become more clingy, especially when the baby had surgery at 13 weeks. I came home from the hospital after two days away, and she had a screaming fit. She was scratching and biting. I held her an tried to absorb her stress and anger, and for once didn’t ask for gentle hands, just let her wail away at me. It seemed to help her. The physical expression of her frustration, fear and anger within the literal confines of mama’s safety.
On the other hand, at almost three, C is very much in the present moment, and driven by entirely self-centered need. She will push as hard as she can to have her desires met, and could care less about the greater good. Little guys don’t have empathy yet. Choose your battles, and be confident and firm on the things that are important to you. Our family rules sound similar. Gentle, no whining. Consistent consisten consistent. So much easier typed then done! Your exhaustion levels, both emotional and physical are tapped.
I read recently that someone who says it’s the terrible twos hasn’t made it to three yet. C sounds right on schedule, regardless if the circumstances. Our three year old never had a tantrum in her twos. Not quite as sanguine these days!!! Strength and patience flowing to you from California!!
07/12/2010 at 12:39 pm
Poor C. It’s been a very rough year for her. The good thing is, once she gets back into the swing of a routine the sadness and frustration and any other overwhelming emotions will be behind her. I lost my Father and was brutally mauled by a dog when I was C’s age and while I was told it took a few months before I was myself again, I have no memory of that devastating time in my life whatsoever. Like everything else, this too shall pass. I would, however, recommend speaking with her pediatrician and see what he/she recommends. With such a loving a supporting family and a great circle of friends, I am confident C will be back on track sooner than you’d expect. Best of luck to you all.
07/12/2010 at 12:49 pm
My kids were 16, 14, 7, and 3 when out littlest – the Sprout – arrived. It was a very rough year – hyperemesis gravida for me, a horrible custody battle for the middle three, and a move. My second youngest, the toddler then, and the most zen of my children dealt with it really well but it really slowed down his toilet training. Since then he’s needed more one on one with me than any of the others. Every summer the middle three spend 6 weeks back with their father and the little guy has a very hard time with it. He is one angry toddler. He’s just too young to understand the separation. I show him pictures of the older kids on the computer and his response has been to PEE ON THE LAPTOP!
07/12/2010 at 1:06 pm
I remember reading that to a child C’s age it feels to them as it would to you if your husband said, “Honey, I’ve decided I need another wife, and here she is! Of course I still love you, but you’ll have to get used to sharing me with her.” She was comfortable in her role as the doted-on youngest child, and I can’t even imagine how shocking it must be for her to share the limelight with a new baby, especially on top of the last year.
I would make sure that she gets as much special alone-time as she can with each person in your family, and hopefully she will bounce back, soon.
07/12/2010 at 1:07 pm
Circle the wagons.
Politely tell your extended family that you will not be having anyone over for a week or two. Put a stop to all playdates, even with cousins, enrichment activities and travel for that time. Institute a very boring, very predictable home-based schedule and stick to it. Just be there, day after day, hour after hour.
Take a break from the computer and the phone.
Your daughter has had too many people, emotions, and changes in her life and she’s in shock: confused, sad and scared. One sibling has disappeared, another one has magically appeared and a third was gone for a month. Parents and relatives are crying, sad, not themselves and sometimes gone for long stretches. She’s hearing a lot of scary stuff in people’s voices and seeing their body language.
She’s hitting people because you’re safe to hit. Ignore the tantrums unless she’s endangering herself. Put things away that she could use to hurt herself and then you can let her flail around.
Also, have you taken her to a therapist yet? They can do play therapy to find out what she can’t articulate yet.
–former PK teacher and Special Ed teacher
07/12/2010 at 1:10 pm
Part of what you are describing in C is normal toddler development–at some point they do get touchy and grouchy–regardless of the circumstances. My son seemed to turn into Oscar the Grouch at age 3. He’s outgrowing it now. But it seems as if C’s not only testing her limits and cutting the cord a little, but she’s dealing with confusing and scary feelings. So she may be a little bit more touchy and grouchy and angry than usual. This would be a great teaching moment to start talking about feelings, and how they can seem overwhelming or scary, and how to make herself feel better. It’s tough to give them this vocabulary and skills when they are so young and we adults barely have them ourselves.
07/12/2010 at 1:12 pm
Yup, I agree, back things way up, do some mental health days of sluggish nothingness to regroup.
My kids are 13 years apart, so the transition was unique and the problems were…….well, unique too. Then their daddy died when they were 15 and 2, so life has always! been a little nutty in the North home too, but days off as needed are family savers around here. There is just the “baby” who is 15 now and I, but we still take ‘em anytime one hollar “time out!”.
Bless your hearts, we’re not ceasing prayer here for you.
Shellon
07/12/2010 at 1:23 pm
I know very well how the pent up steam and stress in toddlers is released in epic tantrums. Peas- my 2 year old has been blowing off some of the stress she had for a while and it is so hard as a mama to remember that she does not have the resources to deal with it in an effective manner.
you and your family have been through so much recently it is a testament to the remarkable mama you are that she is feeling safe enough to let her feelings out.
07/12/2010 at 1:25 pm
I think it’s important to remember (as someone pointed out above) that at two or three, toddlers don’t really have the capacity for empathy. Part of this means that they can’t place themselves in other people’s shoes, but it also means that toddlers believe that most things that happen are a result of their own actions. At that developmental stage, they have a very self-centered worldview. Not only has C had to cope with other people’s reactions to all of these major changes, she probably believes they have something to do with her actions. That’s an awful lot for such a small person to bear – imagine if you felt directly responsible for your time away due to illness, Henry’s sudden disappearance, your parents suddenly bringing home a new baby, and everyone’s emotions on top of these things!
I think normalizing her routine is a good start, but I also really agree with the recommendation above to talk to her pediatrician about suggestions and possibly finding a child therapist to help her find a way of a) articulating what she’s feeling and b) understanding that all the major changes in her life aren’t because she’s done something wrong.
07/12/2010 at 1:42 pm
Even without all the of the things your family has been through over the last year, C still may have reacted this way when G came home. My older daughter was only 21.5 months when her little sister was born, and while she too was very loving and affectionate to her sister, she started having major meltdowns and tantrums. We tried to just maintain consistency and we also had special Mommy and Me and Daddy and Me days with her. After 2-3 months everything calmed down again. It’s so hard finding that extra patiences though!
07/12/2010 at 1:49 pm
I know you’ve probably read her writing before, but Barbara Coloroso wrote Parenting Through Crisis. I picked up a copy at McKay intending to read it one day.
I’m a newer reader, but longtime fan of your book!
We live in Fairmont and Emoriland, so I would be happy to drop the book by your porch, if you would like to have it.
07/12/2010 at 1:59 pm
My 2 year old had problems when my youngest was born. I somehow expected him to be so grown up when he was really just a baby himself. I read Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and it really helped me and I still use ideas even today. I would get my stretch wrap out and put baby on my back while holding or tending to my 3 year old. I tried to put my 2 year old first as much as I could and tell him how special he was as many times as I could. They are so close now.
07/12/2010 at 2:12 pm
i see some great advice for you here. i 2ed the play/ art therapy for her ( for ALL of you) there are therapist who work exclusively with grief for children.
i know you have so much right now and the very idea of adding to it must seem so overwhelming, i think i the long run, you will be glad you went for it. i will do some of the leg work for you and email you some names and numbers.
BB
e
07/12/2010 at 2:14 pm
ps.
sorry about the typos…nursing and typing….
07/12/2010 at 2:14 pm
@jzzy55: I totally agree with your post. It’s time for cocooning. Also, she is probably having deep separation anxiety due to spending most of her time with her grandmother.
jzzy55 said “Politely tell your extended family that you will not be having anyone over for a week or two. Put a stop to all playdates, even with cousins, enrichment activities and travel for that time. Institute a very boring, very predictable home-based schedule and stick to it. Just be there, day after day, hour after hour.
Take a break from the computer and the phone.”
Your daughter has had too many people, emotions, and changes in her life and she’s in shock: confused, sad and scared.
07/12/2010 at 2:19 pm
I would recommend acknowledging that you understand that she may be confused. Letting her know that it’s okay to be frustrated can help. She’s got to be mightly frustrated and sad to have been usurped as the baby.
And I agree with the poster about circling the wagons. Just be a family unit together. Eat at normal times, keep bedtimes routine, hang out in the yard, play board games… People coming to the house may make her think she’s being babysat, and she may resent having your time split with guests — getting lost in the shuffle.
Even putting the baby down and choosing to do something with C (even if the baby cries for a bit) may make a difference if C thinks she’s a priority.
And I’d recommend avoiding the computer when C’s around. My kids got frustrated when they saw me going on the computer more than they wanted me to if they felt I should have been doing something with them. It’s a difficult balancing act as you know.
07/12/2010 at 2:42 pm
Hi Katie: we had a lot of crisis too around our younest son’s birth. We had so many stressors including the death of three family members. Our older two were three and two when the baby was born. I, too read Parenting Through Crisis. It was an excellent book and really helped.
Try getting into a normal routine with her. Let her tantrum and flail about. She has no way of really expressing herself verbally. Some of the behavior, too, could be normal 3′s behavior.
You are a great Mama and doing your best.
07/12/2010 at 2:45 pm
It’s great that you realize that C is still a baby. It’s so easy to feel that when a new little one arrive old baby should grow up to make room. All my kids reacted in one way or another to being displaced, no matter their age at the time–whining, regressing, throwing tantrums. As others have said, her behavior sounds normal even without all the additional stress she has suffered.
I hope that when she does throw tantrums, besides being gentle and understanding, you are helping her give some words to her feelings and showing you understand: “You’re feeling very angry. It’s hard to share me with a new baby. It’s scary to see me so sad about Henry. I know you must be sad too. We all miss him.” You are probably doing this already, but I think it’s important that while you don’t punish her for whining and throwing tantrums, you help her transition to other ways of showing you how she feels.
07/12/2010 at 3:30 pm
Katie,
The answer to me, is just continue to love her and everyone else the best that YOU can. Each of our children are born into and parented during different situations, but we love them them as much as the next, but differently.
07/12/2010 at 3:33 pm
Mine was always very good with his brother but directed the stress towards everyone else – just like you are describing. Ultimtely I think that shows some maturity on her part – having the good judgement to understand you can’t hit a tiny infant, but if you hit your dad odds are you are not going to hurt him. uhhh not that I am condoning hitting anyone. It happens. It’s one of the most accesible tools they have in their tiny, limited, misunderstood toolbox.
I think some mommy time will do wonders – even though I know its the thing you have the least of these days. Also, I think my son felt really kind of rejected and isolated from the new baby – for practical reasons. So coming up with opportunities for him to be more involved in the baby-caretaking duties was helpful.
07/12/2010 at 3:44 pm
You may already be doing this but involve C in every aspect of caring for G. Then when G is sleeping, cuddle, read and do fun things with C. Will be sending positive thoughts your way!
07/12/2010 at 3:48 pm
My soon to be 3 year old (July 23 & also a C) is going through this range of emotions and she hasn’t been through what yours has. I have noticed severe whinyness, acting extremely ugly and hitting me and her big brother. Her baby brother, now 9 months is getting lots of attention these days, he is a gem. He’s quiet, cute, just starting to learn to crawl and EVERYONE oooh’s and aaah’s over him, and while she loves him dearly, she’s obviously fighting for the “cute spot.” I do think your C is reacting to everything around her. I love the person’s idea to keep everyone away and just have home time with her. But I also think she, like my C, is reacting to her age as well. I wish you much luck, and if you figure out what in the world works, I hope you will share. Hugs to one C from another. These little blonde beauties need it…
07/12/2010 at 3:55 pm
Do you have a hitting pillow? I bought a special (cheap) pillow just for that purpose when my son was in that transitional stage where he couldn’t talk much yet but had bigger-kid feelings that were frustrating him. Your girl has some powerful stuff to get out. Help her do it in an appropriate way. Maybe all your kids should have hitting pillows right now.
I told my son,”If you feel ilke you need to hit something, you may hit this pillow, or use it to hit the sofa or a chair with it.” Then I showed him how by walloping the sofa with it and letting out a great big, “Take that, sofa!”. He thought it was hilarious but — he did use it and he obeyed the hitting pillow parameters and he stopped hitting us. Of course he is an only child so there weren’t any sibs to hit.
The old rule applies here: acknowledge (the feelings,) and (provide a) distract(ion). Acknowledge and distract.
It’s wise not to talk AT the child in the midst of a meltdown. They can’t hear you in those moments — murmuring “I love you, it’s OK that you’re angry” is about the extent of what you need to say. Label the emotion and validate it.
At one of my PK teacher jobs, at a very sweet school with a strong emotional-social component, we referred to our “standing by” behavior during tantrums as “allowing the behavior.” We weren’t ignoring, or condoning. We allowed it because it was the best the child could do in the moment.
Some things to help tame the tantrums: not touching or trying to touch the child and sometimes avoiding eye contact is also helpful. Create a soft area with cushions and mats where she can flail around. Don’t challenge them. Just sit nearby in a calm manner. Put on some calm music and putter around nearby. Eat something you know the kid likes and comment, “This is yummy, I have some for you too when you’re ready.” Or, hold up a favorite stuffed toy and say, “Mr Pig has a secret to tell you when you’re ready.”
Enlist your wonderful dog to help you — ask her to help you groom him, or feed him a treat — when she’s ready.
Since you have a pet-oriented household, you might find a therapist who has a really great therapy dog, too. Therapy dogs are amazing for people who don’t feel like talking.
I haven’t followed your blog enough to know if you are a believer in therapists or not. Even if they weren’t (I’m guessing) helpful for Henry that doesn’t mean they can’t be helpful in other ways. I don’t believe that therapists are the be-all and end-all but a good one can be extremely helpful and reassuring.
07/12/2010 at 4:13 pm
My children’s father and I came up with the idea that a fit pitching toddler needs a way to have what we called “baby power.” They’re at the mercy of adults…let’s go here, you can’t do that, you have to be quiet, you have to stay with Grandma, no don’t touch that…and they have no way to feel power. Sometimes we’d build a castle out of play blocks and encourage the child to just SMASH it or we’d give them the garden hose and stand there while they sprayed us and we’d laugh and shriek. Or we’d put contac paper on the picnic table and let them paint a giant mess. Or even unroll some TP and throw it around. Let the toddler do it themselves and the adults only watch and cheer the child on and don’t participate. Just something so they could let out that pent-up frustration and energy. Usually it involved a big mess so some corner of the yard might be a good place. My toddlers had not been through near the changes your little girl has experienced but perhaps some time for her to have some baby power might help. Bless you dear Katie!
07/12/2010 at 4:15 pm
I have three kids all spaced 2 years apart. When my second child came home my oldest, a girl, was taken aback and was completely uncontrolable for about a month. She showed little aggression towards her sister but would hit and bite all the adults in the house. I was niave to think she would be able to express her anger or jelousy at that age. We did our best to console her and take extra time to be with her. But, frankly, the only thing that worked was time. About 1 to 1.5 months after her little sister’s birth she finally accepted that the baby wasn’t going anywhere. Unfortunately their rivarally continues to this day. Because they are spaced relatively closely they are in direct competition for every resource in their little worlds. I’m hoping that one day they will get along better but for now we wait and see.
07/12/2010 at 4:23 pm
My son did not tantrum when his baby sister came home when he was 5 1/2 but was a tantrum thrower! My advice, she doesn’t have the words to express her frustration, it’s easier to just melt down. Let her get it out then love her when she’s done. I had people tell me throw water in my sons face, spank him, time outs….but I followed my gut and let him scream, cry, kick, hit (as long as he didn’t hurt me or another living thing) and get it out of his system. Amazingly enough he is now a wonderful 19 year old with a strong will but self control that he learned on his own. Poor little C has been through so much, just love her as much as you can.
07/12/2010 at 4:34 pm
Poor little bunny. It’s not easy being three, even without the devastating sturm und drang you all have been through.
Sadly, there’s no research that supports the efficacy of play therapy. I’d say time, loving attention, predictable routine – and she, like all of us, might benefit from regular physical outlets for the stress (swimming, playgrounds, walks/trike rides, etc.)
You all are in my prayers.
07/12/2010 at 5:07 pm
This is a really tough age, too, as you know. My son (27 months older than his brother) was a darling when his baby brother was born. But a few months later when he hit 2 1/2, PHEW! I thought we needed professional help. Being 2 and going all through she’s going through and not knowing how to process it – poor dear.
I guess all any of us can do is just love them. Make sure she gets quality time with you (even just snatches – Little Man used to come visit me and the baby in bed as I was recovering from the c-section), but quality time with others is going to help her, too. It’s tough being 2.
07/12/2010 at 5:10 pm
It sounds to me like C’s reaction is quite normal for her age. Love her, hug her, and give her a safe place to release her emotions. When she’s done, love her more. It’s hard to not take the outbursts and anger personally, I know, but she’s only doing what she knows how to do. One thing I found helpful with my two (spaced 15 months apart) was to help them give words to their emotions and actions. (As they were throwing a fit I would calmly say “I see how frustrated you are and how upset you are because of . . .” or “I can tell you are very sad because . . “) It seemed to help them some and definitely made me think more about how they were seeing the world.
Love, patience and positive thoughts coming your way.
07/12/2010 at 6:21 pm
I think like most things this will just take time. My oldest would not let me out of her sight after the youngest was born. I had to sneak just to go to the bathroom. She also took to hitting her father a lot(just him for some reason). That new sibling just rocks their world. I agree about trying to get into a routine. I am not sure about limiting extended family. It seems like in your family extended family is part of the routine, especially Grandma. Good luck!
07/12/2010 at 6:43 pm
http://www.mothering.com/parenting/cry-connection-fresh-approach-tantrums
Great article!
Bless you mama and your beautiful family!
07/12/2010 at 6:48 pm
How about, I know you are tired/angry, whatever. But, you are not allowed to hit or bite.
Kids really, really want boundaries. It is not wrong to say to them, you will go sit in the corner until you have calmed down.
It is not okay to hit or bite me or anyone else.
07/12/2010 at 6:52 pm
I like the idea of pulling in and having quiet, predictable family time with lots of cuddling a stories and sitting on the floor together and playing in her room together and a lot of calm. Katie, you had a very difficult time when Betsy entered the picture, but certainly had no other issues with which to deal in your young life. Charlotte’s last year has been hellish in many ways and she needs to feel peace and calm and family. Rock her in the nursing chair and let her be a baby.
07/12/2010 at 7:20 pm
The picture of C is adorable!! What I found with my older son, when my younger one was born, is that he just needed some extra one on one time with me. Maybe get Jon to hold the baby while you read a book to C in another room or get J to take her for a walk while you take C to the playground. I know that with all of the feeding problems that you have had with G, she needs to be around you but by giving C some undivided attention, it might help her feel better about everything that has happened to her. Good luck!
07/12/2010 at 7:35 pm
Katie, C’s expression in that photo is the same one I see nearly every day here in my own 3 year old girl, the third child, older sister to a new baby sister (well, not as new as G, but still). And we’ve had no crises or tragedies to deal with as you have, just run-of-the-mill stuff. So I’m reading all the comments with great interest. My 3 year old is much more sensitive to my tone of voice than I’d realized, so I am trying to be much gentler and slower, and take some time to just consciously be with her or get her involved in something I’m doing (like cooking).
07/12/2010 at 8:08 pm
My son was 33 months old when his baby sister arrived. He was absolutely darling with her….loved her from day one. He took his frustrations out on us — on my parents — on his toys. He started throwing temper tantrums for the first time. And our family was only dealing with the arrival of a new baby….not everything else that you all have been through this year.
I tried to moderate my reactions to his fits. I made sure to spend some time with just him. I took over bath and bed time so that we could have some mommy/son time without the baby.
It took about 3-4 weeks but he did stop acting out toward us. He moved toward the more normal 3 year old stuff. Still throwing tantrums sometimes, but at least I could figure out why he was taking a fit.
07/12/2010 at 8:14 pm
The book How To Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, Phd is amazing on how to help children work through their emotions.
07/12/2010 at 8:16 pm
That is the cutest pouty face all pretty in pink! Well she’s being possessive, trying to hold onto something concrete, when change has been the only constant in her life for months. This comes out in these jealousy fits and lashing out. Like you said she’s unable to adequately communicate her frustrations, her own mourning, her own adjustments to the new changes. But adults have this problem too
I think her emotions will eb and flow but once she has a normal routine and she has her mommy ‘back’, she’ll feel more safe and secure. Plus if she’s angry at adults but she knows not to ‘try’ an adult, she’ll take out her frustrations with her parents on the cousins, who are less scary.
07/12/2010 at 8:16 pm
Even if you only have a few extra minutes, I would suggest devoting part of each day for a little while to special “C time” where C gets to pick an activity and you give her undivided attention. Perhaps C could choose (between two acceptable choices) what the family will have for dinner (or snack time) which will give her the chance to feel special and in control.
The hitting pillow worked well for us.
Does C like to play with dolls? While you are changing or nursing the baby, C could change and “nurse” her baby.
One wonderful stranger in the grocery store once only paid attention to my toddler and totally ignored my baby. I could have kissed her! This was after a day of errands with everyone paying attention to the baby and hardly noticing my almost three year old who was pushing herself in front of the baby and sticking out her little chest trying her hardest to be noticed. Afterwards, I remember saying something to the effect of “aren’t grownups silly? Did you notice how that lady never even saw the baby but only paid attention to you and the other people we met barely saw you but only paid attention to the baby?” My daughter practically melted when I acknowledged that I understood her and we hardly had any jealousy issues after that.
My daughter had a habit of sticking out her bottom lip when when she was upset. We thought she looked like Snow White’s Grumpy and started calling her “Grumpy T” when she’d start to lose it. If she hadn’t gotten herself too worked up, we could sometimes tease her by saying “No, your lip isn’t sticking out enough to be Grumpy yet, let’s see you look grumpier. Keep trying, let’s go look in the mirror”. Sometimes she’d actually start to laugh at her look in the mirror and the whole situation would be diffused.
Hand in there!
07/12/2010 at 9:38 pm
Arrgh! That should read, “Hang in there.”
07/12/2010 at 9:41 pm
I also liked jzzy55′s idea of things being very boring and very tight knit for a while. Perhaps too there could be some special Mama/C time that you could schedule, something regular that only the two of you share–like swimming lessons or little gym time or taking a walk at Ijams and looking for birds. An activity where you and she are out of the house for an hour or so and you are focused on no one but her for a little while. As an added bonus, something that gives her a physical outlet could help her process some of what is going on.
07/12/2010 at 11:15 pm
My kids had tough transitions. When my oldest son was 3 1/2 we had a new baby and then within 3 months we went on a sabbatical to a new country, enrolled him in a new non-English-speaking preschool and his father had a heart attack. When his father was ill he stopped being toilet-trained during the day so rather than fight with him I put him back into pullups so he could go to pre-school (which he enjoyed.) he didn’t become dry until he was past 4 because that was the only thing he could control. I did find a great babysitter to help with the baby and him and that helped things as well.
(I wish I coud tell you it was all rainbows and ponies after that but sadly it hasn’t been. There have been other wrenching moves, illness and finally separation. My kids’ father has battled addiction. ) my kids seem to be doing all right but who knows how these scars and baggage will work out down the line.I tell you this because lots of families are sad and scarred but we all just keep doing the best we can. I wear a necklace that says ‘this too shall pass” and with time, your precious C’s tantrums will pass.
You’re a wonderful writer and a wonderful mama and I think you’ve given your kids a wonderful life.
07/13/2010 at 12:25 am
Mine melted down. Toddlers think that what ever they are feeling you are feeling too. So my daughter was furious with me and so by extension thought that I was furious with her too. So one night after a major meltdown I sat her down and told her that I knew she was angry and I was sorry about that but that no matter how mad she was at me I still loved her. And I let her decide what she and I could do together just the two of us. Which was ice cream on Saturday afternoons … and nothing (even winter) could change it till she wanted to change it. And that worked for me. Good luck
07/13/2010 at 1:46 am
We don’t have a new baby and we haven’t been through what you have and we’re having some similar issues our boy who’s a couple months older than C. But he’s never been an easy-going fellow.
I’m not so sure that you guys need to pull into the nuclear family. C is used to extended family and that is her routine. I’m sure they’re already doing this – but ask that extended family to pay extra attention to her. New baby won’t know the difference, but C will.
07/13/2010 at 1:47 am
I don’t have advice. I just want to say that you’re being an incredibly sensitive mama and I know you will all get through this. C is such a sweetheart, and she’ll make it through with your love.
07/13/2010 at 1:48 am
I haven’t dealt with this yet, but one thing I’m planning on doing when we have another is to have a big jar and some marbles or something. I’m thinking that each time I’m unable to give my full attention to my little one when I know she really needs it and I’m with the baby, I will give her a marble to put in the jar and let her know that that marble means that the first second I can, I’m going to give her some one-on-one, special, no-baby, she-gets-to-choose-what-we-do time with me. Once we spend that time together, I take the marble back out of the jar…or something along those lines, so she has something concrete to help her know that even if I can’t be with her in that second, I will soon, and also so she can see those marbles disappear and have a concrete way to know that even when I have to pay attn to the new baby instead of her, I always come back and she always still has me, and my absence is always temporary.
I don’t have any experience with this yet and just can hardly fathom all you’ve been through, but thought I’d share in case I’m helpful. Thinking of you all.
07/13/2010 at 1:49 am
oops, should say “in case it’s helpful.”
07/13/2010 at 3:26 am
hi katie – have you come across Hand in Hand/Patty Wipfler’s work with babies’ and childrens’ emotional storms and tantrums etc. she calls it ‘stay listening’? (www.handinhandparenting.org) – i’ve found it to be the most loving and nurturing and also incredibly powerful and effective way to deal with tears and tantrums and the release of emotional stress so, once released, children can return to being their true beautiful selves once again.
07/13/2010 at 4:28 am
hi again katie – that last little note was cut short sorry by my own tantruming toddler! (we’re in the UK so it’s morning now – I think its the middle of the night with you). I just wanted to add that I think the HandinHand approach totally validates your own intuition that your beautiful little girl C’s tantrums etc. are actually her emotionally healing in the best/only way she knows how – releasing the stress from her little body through tears/physically thrashing etc. Because yes, as you said, she has been through so very, very much recently, more than imaginable (as have you too, of course) and that needs to find an emotional release, with loving support, so she can begin to heal. Patty Wipfler (if you can get the cds she has such a nurturing voice it soothes me to just listen) is also, i’ve found, so very supportive of the emotional needs of the parent who is emotionally supporting the child – we could all do perhaps (not only little ones) with strong, unconditionally loving arms around us sometimes as we fully feel our tears and fears and our grief. What you yourself, as well as C and the rest of your family, have been through these last months is just so very much for anyone to emotionally bear – but there you are still able to see ‘through’ your little girl’s tantrums with compassion and love to what they really are… you still have so much love and care to give even in your own grief and need for love and care – that’s what an amazing and beautiful mother you are. with love julia
07/13/2010 at 6:45 am
I’ve got a barely 4 yr old and an almost 2yr old and a 10 wk old, and I’ve been really struggling with the 2 yr old. I am ‘Bad Mummy’ for changing her diaper or giving the green sippy instead of the pink. She’s started pinching and hitting her older sister and she’s quite angry with me, as I appear to be the one responsible for the appearance of the youngest. Which means she screams for Daddy whenever I put my foot down. It can be embarrassing and quite frankly, it hurts my feelings, but that’s not really important.
Your circumstances are different, more complex. Your C has more on her very little plate, and I’m not sure how you should handle it. But I know you’re aware that as a parent, your job is to keep the rails lovingly in place around her. I continue with my little girl to require appropriate behaviour for her age from her, and do my best to distract from the tantrums, remind of the right behaviour, ignore the worst when she is so far into meltdown that she’s unreachable, and be there to help her move past ot once it’s over. And I’d be lying if I said there weren’t time-outs involved every now and again.
My best to you and your family.
Oh, and re the milk supply- don’t forget in all the business and difficulty to drink LOTS of water.
Unending patience and love and guidance of a firm hand to lead her.
07/13/2010 at 7:12 am
My daughter was born on Mother’s Day, 2 months shy of my son’s 3rd birthday. At first my son didn’t want to go near me when I was holding the baby. With time he was oksay with it and wanted to hold her, help burp her, and tells her she’s cute and kisses her all the time. But when he wakes up from naps, he has awful tantrums! I have learned how to handle his, talk calmly, distraction (sometimes a favorite TV show works)but my husband gets frustrated because he isn’t home for most of them and can’t handle them. These tantrums didn’t start until after the baby was born. This past Sunday, he had an awful one in Church right before the baby’s Christening. Thankfully a good friend took him out of the church and calmed him down. Looking back, I’m wondering if he was upset that the focus was on her at the time and not on him. I don’t think my family and friends believed me when I was telling them about his tantrums, until this past Sunday when he showed everyone!
I think we just need to be patient and give the older ones extra attention, which I have been doing. I know my son loves his sister, but can understand his frustration at times because now he has to wait his turn if I’m with the baby.
07/13/2010 at 8:10 am
I think you are being too hard on yourself when you say that your toddler is acting up because of everything that has happened. Maybe. Or maybe it is just that time in a toddler’s life when they start trying out that kind of behavior. Just remember that if you snap at her, she’ll learn to respond with anger. It is quite scary that some children never get over the birth of a sibling, but most of them do come around. I find it useful to treat problems as stages a child passes through, rather than as a new and permanent state of being to root out. So, don’t worry about her suddenly becoming a horrible brat, because she won’t.
07/13/2010 at 10:35 am
I don’t have any real advice, but I just wanted to say that I think you’re amazing. You just seem so thoughtful and introspective, in a situation where many people wouldn’t be able to (and rightly so!). The thing that struck me the most is that when your sister told you that you were being too snappy, you listened, and took it to heart. That’s quite something, to be able to question yourself and take advice like that, without being defensive.
Bless you.
07/13/2010 at 5:54 pm
I like the circling the wagons idea, too, even as the thought of trying to do it makes me a little itchy and twitchy.
All of our tantrums here are met with hugs lately, and we haven’t had half the stress you’ve been under.