Henry spent about 9 months in inpatient drug treatment last year. He spent 3 months at a wilderness treatment program near Asheville, NC and then another 6 months at a program in Montana based on the “Positive Peer Culture” (also known as PPC) model. He had terrific therapists and counselors at both programs who worked very hard to try to help Henry break free of his addiction to drugs, and to help his family learn better skills for supporting Henry in recovery.
Here are some thoughts about Henry from one of the girls who attended the Montana program with him (“Echo” refers to the boys’ group cottage in which Henry lived and “Sapphire” was the girls’ cottage/group).
The most important thing is to remember Henry the proper, respectful way—the way he was. The way he is. Henry was not “a” drug addict but a beautiful, talented, unique human being. Surely he had his own problems (don’t we all!), but I remember, and I’m sure everyone at the program, especially Echo, as being such a warm and bright individual with a wonderful future ahead of him. He didn’t leave the program very successfully, but he left having successfully brightened each of our difficult and dull days, making strong friendships, and leaving us all with a fantastic lasting impression. I remember how much Echo loved him and I remember how much we used to love listening to Henry play the guitar on the porch of the Echo cottage. He was wonderful at guitar. We, Sapphire, actually used to sit on the window sills and listen to Henry and whomever else play the guitar (on top of spying on their cottage… heh). We would watch them have techno dance parties in their cottage and wish we could get away with fun like that in our own cottage. And I remember the stone and wire necklace he wore that everybody loved. I recall how disappointed I was when he shaved his head because I loved his big, curly, unruly hair. It suited his different and unique personality.
This is Henry with his Dad when they arrived at the therapeutic boarding school he attended in Montana. It was a beautiful setting for Henry to work on his recovery.
Although Henry chose to leave the program when he turned 18, in October instead of staying longer, which would have been our choice, our whole family had high hopes for his ability to stay clean and move forward with his life when he got back to Knoxville. I was SO EXCITED that he was coming home. I had missed him like crazy.
Here is Henry about one week – maybe less – after returning to Tennessee from Montana. He had just turned 18.
I never could have imagined that he would be gone forever before the next summer.
Henry began using again – and selling drugs to support his escalating opiate use – within only a few weeks of returning home from Montana. At that point, we had to make the difficult decision to tell him he could either enter an intensive outpatient program and attend daily 12 step meetings, plus agree to random drug tests, or move out of our house. He chose the latter. The day I told him he had to get out, and packed up his things for him to take was – until his hospitalization – the worst day of my life. I knew it was what needed to happen in order for Henry to perhaps experience the natural consequences that would allow him to realize he needed help, but it was hell to actually tell my child that he needed to get out of the house.
We saw Henry frequently over the next 7 months, until he was hospitalized on April 27. He would sometimes spend the night with us, which made me very happy, even though we wouldn’t let him actually move back in unless he accepted the help his father and I were desperately trying to make him understand that he needed. But on those nights when he would come and stay overnight, I could mother him just a little. I could feed him and hang out with him, and his sisters and brother got to spend some time with them. He always promised them that he was in the process of getting clean. They always believed him.
Here is Henry, wrapped in a blanket and kicked back on our couch, watching a movie. This was taken in January 2010.
Because we wouldn’t let him live at home unless he agreed to get help, he alternately stayed with relatives – a dangerously enabling situation to which his father and I strenuously objected – or he drifted from place to place. We could not force him to do anything because he was 18, and this removed virtually all our parental rights under the law. I looked into pursuing a legal guardianship based on his obvious mental incompetence due to his addiction, but was discouraged by the lawyer with whom I spoke. He told me that if Henry contested the guardianship, my prospects were dim for regaining legal authority to force him back into treatment. I spoke with police officers and a defense attorney about whether I could or should try to get him arrested for using or selling, but everyone discouraged me, saying that once he was in the system, things would be worse for him. In hindsight, I should have done everything I could to get him arrested. The system would have been safer for him than the residence where he spent the last 18 hours of his life.
This is the last photo I have of Henry and me together, at our house. He was eating supper with us that night. It was taken February 22.
During that seven month period after he left treatment, I spoke to him almost every day, even though he was not living at home. I never, ever cut ties with my son or abandoned him in any way. I never gave up. Neither did the rest of his family. Many people, including parents of his friends and his aunt and uncles and adult cousins reached out to Henry on a constant basis during these months, attempting to overpower his addiction through the sheer force of love and determination. It wasn’t enough, even though he loved us in return, and continued to tell us so.
He spent Christmas Eve with us at home, but it was clear to our whole family that night that he was suffering some kind of drug withdrawal because he hadn’t wanted to show up high around his younger siblings and cousins. Throughout the spring, he and I would have lunch together, and twice we went walking together at Lakeshore Park, just to talk.
Here he is on Christmas Eve, helping his little cousin NC play with a top, as 7 year old cousin M looks on.
In March, Henry admitted to me that he had for the first time begun shooting up the opiate pain pills to which he was addicted. He was spiraling to a very dark place, very fast. Things escalated quickly in those last two or three months. During this final period, he was arrested for the first time ever – for possession. I prayed he would be forced to stay in jail and go to treatment, but only 3 days after his arrest, he was released because he was a first time, nonviolent offender, and jail is crowded.
In March, he asked if he could try living with us again. I told him and his girlfriend, a lovely teenage girl from a very nice family who also had a terrible addiction to opiates, that they could live with us – in separate rooms – as long as they both went to daily 12 step meetings, took drug screens weekly, and either got jobs or enrolled in school. They agreed. 24 hours later, he told me they were leaving that day to go to Bell Buckle to stay with my family for a while to see if they could kick the drugs more easily if they got out of Knoxville. I told them that they could not run away from their addiction, but the two of them left anyway. They spent several weeks in Bell Buckle, where they went through physical opiate withdrawal and according to Henry, really intended to try to quit. But soon enough, he was back in Knoxville, spending the next few weeks drifting around within the underbelly of our small city, doing whatever it took to get high. In the last weeks before he was rushed to the ER with the brain injury from which he would die 5 weeks later, he was essentially a member of the city’s homeless population. He wore the same clothes each day and was often dirty. He sometimes hung around outside the homeless shelters near downtown, and he told me that at least once, he ate a meal at one of the shelters.
In the final months of Henry’s life, opiates were his drug of choice – he was physically addicted and shooting up by this time – but he used other drugs when he couldn’t find what his body craved so desperately. It became increasingly obvious to me that Henry, who was described in the media after his death as “a man” and “an adult,” but who was actually just a boy – a senior in high school – was clearly being taken advantage of by much older adults who preyed on the fact that he was a very sick teenage child who trusted people easily and was extremely vulnerable due to his addiction.
On April 26th, I couldn’t get him on the phone and he didn’t respond to text messages. I tried to track him down through friends of his, but wasn’t able to. Sometime that afternoon, he texted me, saying simply “Mom, I’m having a really rough day.”
The next time I saw Henry was the following day, when I rushed to UT just after noon and encountered the terrible sight of my son, comatose, on a respirator, his face badly bruised and blood running from his ears as doctors worked frantically to save his life.
Henry Louis Granju October 7, 1991 – May 31, 2010
My Beautiful Boy
Created with Admarket’s flickrSLiDR.
163 Responses to “Henry’s last months, after treatment”
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Katie –
I think what I find so powerful from your more recent posts is how much you have revealed about Henry’s spinning out of control in his final months and all of the options you explored. Thank you for sharing your family’s incredibly painful experience so that other people might pay attention to early signs they otherwise would have dismissed. I think you are accomplishing exactly what you set out to do in early May when you revealed the secret you could no longer keep.
Please keep writing.
he really is beautiful.
and your love for him? so apparent. so deep. and it is so obvious that he felt it and knew it, too.
thank you for sharing. you will never have any idea how very many lives you [and henry!] are touching. and saving. bless you, katie.
As much as many of the readers on here will hate what “Bless_the-Beasts” has written, he/she got a point.
Not everyone feels drug use is “morally” wrong. Prescription pain pills are not illegal. Neither are pills that are essentially controlled doses of ecstacy and wildly popular amongst functional, contributing ‘moral’ members of society.
If the question is one of morals – has that not always been at best, shades of gray?
Do you think it morally equal that a kid who got in over his head in drugs dies, yet there are hundreds of rapists and murderers wandering free and enjoying chance upon chance upon chance to get their acts together?
You genuinely think this is an equitable offense? Punishable by death?
Wow, Henry could not have been more beautiful. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for some of the truly hateful comments I have seen here. I want to thank you for sharing your words about Henry’s cremation. I have just lost a loved one and struggled with the images of autopsy and cremation and struggled almost as much with people saying “just don’t think about it” and “stop torturing yourself.” After reading your post about Henry’s body yesterday, I allowed myself to think about every horrifying detail of my loved one’s death, autopsy and cremation and I’m here to say, it’s better to just deal with the pain of thinking the details through than continually trying to repress the thoughts. I think once you just think about it, and visualize the awful details, it truly does get easier to accept and move on. I think to block the thoughts only prolongs the pain.
Your writing is beautiful.
What does morality have to do with all of this? Preachers move on.
Bless_the_Beasts, you focus on the morality of this issue and seem to gloss over the disease concept. Do you, or do you not, consider addiction/alcoholism a disease?
If you believe it’s not, that’s certainly your right to do so; however, your belief contradicts the legions of health professionals who make up such organizations as the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the World Health Organization and others that have classified addiction and alcoholism as diseases for years.
Why? Because it meets the criteria of all other terminal diseases: It’s chronic, progressive, has classifiable symptoms, has a high rate of relapse and is ultimately treatable.
Do addicts and alcoholics do immoral things when they’re caught up in active addiction/alcoholism? Most certainly; I know I did. But the thing is this — we’re not bad people; we make bad decisions. The recovery program to which I belong doesn’t excuse our behavior; it calls for us to be accountable for our actions — then and now — and to make amends to those we’ve harmed. We’re not given a “get out of jail free” card; we’re asked to do a lot of work to change who we are on a fundamental level.
It’s not about just putting down the drugs and walking away; if that was all there was to it, Henry and so many others could have quit using and gone on about their lives. It’s about addressing the reasons we feel driven to get high in the first place and instituting change on a fundamental emotional and spiritual level.
Wrapping addiction up in “morality” is fine and dandy for the pious who have never broken any laws; people like that, I suspect, are the same who condemn AIDS patients for being homosexuals and practicing “immoral” sex. It’s convenient to do so, if your concept of right and wrong are rigidly defined with no wiggle room or margin for error; I believe, however, as someone else pointed out — there are shades of gray, and to chalk it up to a “moral” issue is to discount the roles that society, environmental factors, genetics and so many other things play in determining addiction and alcoholism.
I can tell you this — no addict I’ve ever known takes one pill, snorts one line, shoots up one time, smokes one whatever and becomes a rampaging monster intent on doing the most damage possible to everyone around them. Not a single one of them sets out to “violate” a certain moral code of conduct or trash a certain set of values. It’s a simple choice that’s made, one that — especially to young people who bask in the glow of youthful invincibility — has far-reaching consequences that will affect them for the rest of their lives.
Couching this as a moral issue is foolish and detrimental to the overall discussion of what can be done to help future Henrys in their hours of darkness.
is beating someone within an inch of life not a moral offense?
Why would you be so forgiving of a violent crime committed on another person? It just does not add up. Unless of course, you are perhaps the parent or loved one of one of the other people possibly being implicated in this tragic crime. In that case, it all makes total sense why you are trying very hard to make yourself heard on this particular forum.
For those who aren’t clear what Beast is referring to when she accuses my dead teenager of having been a “bully,” she’s is referencing a single comment (among thousands about my son all over the Web since his death) from an anonymous commenter at the Knoxville News Sentinel. The commenter said (in the comments section below a story about Henry’s death) that Henry had harassed and bullied his daughter while they were both students at the same high school, including having poured cologne on her head. I responded to this person privately and also publicly on the comments thread by saying that while that sounds WILDLY out of character for Henry, if he did that, I am very sorry that I didn’t know about it at the time so that I could hold him accountable. I apologized to this commenter, saying that if Henry did that, he was wrong and should have had serious consequences. This commenter then messaged me back privately to thank me for my response.
As for Beast’s suggestion (based on a single comment my mother made in the comments thread we’re engaged in now) that Henry had major behavioral problems that were disruptive to our home and to his siblings, well, that’s not a clear representation of the situation AT ALL.
While I have been extremely honest and will continue to be honest in talking openly about some very negative behaviors my son engaged in in the last year or two of his life (drug abuse, dealing drugs to pay for his addiction, etc), all in hopes to help prevent other families from going through what we have, I will also stand up for his memory when someone tries to make up garbage about him – stuff that isn’t true.
Henry was a good person without a bullying or violent bone in his body. Even at the worst of his addiction, Henry was a loving, sweet, gentle person to his family and to his friends. The behavior that my mother referenced as being hard on his siblings was the fact that he continued to abuse drugs. This tore his younger siblings up. But til the day he died, Henry was loving, kind and very connected to his brother and sisters.
In fact, Henry did not exhibit major behavioral problems one might normally associate with a serious drug addiction until he was very far down the path. That’s one reason why it was difficult for me to get my head around how bad things were. He was kind, funny, loving and clever.
The only “wicked” thing my teenage son did was deal drugs to provide for his own addiction. Dealing drugs is immoral and dangerous and I wish he’d been arrested and locked up for doing it.If he had been, I think he would be alive today. And as I’ve said before, if someone had been hurt or killed after ingesting drugs Henry had provided, I would have expected him to be fully prosecuted. But none of that happened.
I believe that drug addiction is a serious mental illness that has a basis in human biology. Some of us have the biology that leads to addiction to drugs while others of us do not – just like some of us get cancer and some of us do not. In the case of drug addiction, a trigger is also required – drug experimentation. It’s biology plus trigger. Since no one knows if their child has the biology, the only thing we can control as long as we have the parental authority to do so is whether the trigger gets pulled. Unfortunately, once Henry began using marijuana, his trigger had been pulled, and the disease process was off and running.
Look Beast, my son was a drug addict. There is nothing comfortable for me about admitting that publicly. It’s not pleasant to talk about what he did as a 17-18 year old boy doing whatever he could to get his hands on drugs. But I am telling his story to try to help others. And I am not leaving anything out. So I’m not sure what you are trying to say – that the fact that he MIGHT have once dumped cologne on a girl’s head while a sophomore in high school means that he was “wicked?”
You are flat wrong in your accusation that Henry was some kind of bullying jerk. Ask anyone who knew him, right up til the day he was rushed to the hospital to describe the boy they knew. To a person, they will tell you that he was a shy, sweet, gentle soul who always had a smile for others and who loved deeply and was loved deeply in return. He was a good boy with a terrible disease. And the disease killed him. You want me to say that he was “wrong” in some way? What’s wrong is that my son is dead, and people like you want to trash his memory based on absolutely nothing and apropos of nothing related to the productive, thoughtful discussion we are having here about addiction and how to keep our kids safe.
I pray that you never have to live with the pain of losing someone you love to a beating and drug overdose.
It useless to fight the “morally wrong” folks like Beast. This is the type of parent that gets dismissed as a wacko by other parents because she is too uneducated to see beyond her own misinformed belief system.
Thank you to Steve Wildsmith for your most recent comment. Hopefully it will cause a light to go off in the heads of Bless_The_Beasts and his/her like.
I’d also like to address the issue of the bullying incident described in a publication shortly after Henry’s death, to which Bless_The_Beasts referred. I too read that article and the comments submitted. What kind of parent allows their child to be bullied in the manner “Spongebob” (the name used by parent making the accusation) described, takes no action but when the alleged bully dies, goes to a public forum to raise the issue? I’ll tell you what kind; one that is lying to gain attention. I don’t know one parent who if in that same situation would not have brought the bullying issue to school administration and the parent(s)of the alleged bully most certainly would have been informed immediately.
Katie is, without a doubt, one of the most brave and strong women with whom I have ever had the honor to cross paths. I don’t know her personally but her writing is inspiring, honest, and again, so utterly brave it continues to astonish me the more I read her.
To take one’s anguish and searing pain and use it to try and help others is beyond any words I may possess to describe it.
I applaud her and I thank her for her example. Love rules.
Katie, your story/Henry’s story is changing the way I am talking to my kids about drugs. Thank you for sharing these words – you and Henry are making a difference in so many lives. Sending you love and strength as you journey this path.
reading this post is heartbreaking, but reading the comments even more so.
i hope the people who use others’ sorrow as a high horse from which to shout their own morality and – by implication – their invulnerability to this sort of tragedy come to a place of empathy, sometime. i hope they are lucky enough to do this without having to know firsthand how humble we all ought to be in our parenting, our living, our judgement.
here’s what i know from reading this, Katie, and Mama/Nanny: Henry was loved. love is no innoculation against tragedy, as you well know, no matter how some people would like to believe that they or their children are protected behind that wall of fear and love. that’s why they spew trash: to Other you, to Other Henry, to make it clear how his end will not be theirs, or that of their loved ones.
but it doesn’t work that way.
Oh Katie. (((hugs))). Thank you for sharing this. You are a brave, brave woman to open yourself up to negativity and criticism. Please know that you ARE helping other people by sharing your story. If you can, ignore those people who know nothing of what you went through. Continued prayers for you and your family.
Thank you so much for sharing Henry’s story with us Katie. I’m sure that this blog will save lives, and in that way Henry’s legacy will live on and on.
Thank you again for sharing this story so honestly. Your son was so beautiful and obviously a special person. It is so clear how much love and support you poured into his life. Of course you never abandoned him or gave up on him! That is so clear- your love for him and your longing to help him shines through every word you write. I wish so much it would have ended differently. I am so sorry for your terrible loss. Sending love and strength!!!
Katie, I so appreciate your honesty. That takes courage. You are helping so many of learn. Until your son was hospitalized, I had no idea how widespread and completely devestating drug addiction (especially teens/young adults)is. For all of you who have chimed in here with your personal stories, thank you, too.
I have struggled trying to understand the baffling nature of addiction. You all have helped, and keep helping, to educate so many of us. Katie, thank you for firmly clairfying what your son’s experience was. I’ve been ignorant and judgmental myself when it has come to a new family member. Knowing someone’s backstory really helps. Knowing that all the love, social and material advantages, and beauty in the world can’t stop this painful cycle. I really do believe there is a biological switch in our brains, and, sadly, for some people, addictive substances flip that switch. Your family’s story has really opened my mind to the complexities and love that still exist during these struggles. I so sorry for your family
s pain and for Henry’s pain. Your know your courage is helping to save lives and to open minds.
Henry was always a gentle soul. Let me make that clear. His siblings adored him and he felt the same way. I picked Henry up from the airport after his last treatment program and part of our conversation was about how very much he hated disappointing his brother and sister (baby sister was too young to understand). His first phone call, on my borrowed phone, was to his sister. He couldn’t wait to talk to her. So, my point is that Henry never deliberately did anything to disrupt their lives or make them unhappy. His addiction was the problem – not his disposition or sweet personality. Even in the hospital, as sick and miserable and damaged as he was, I would smile when I heard him say, “yes ma’am” or “sir” and “please” and “thank you” to the nurses and doctors who were treating him, even when the treatments were unpleasant. Trying to depict him as some bad-mannered, crazed thug is absurd. He was anything but.
Interesting that Katie called Henry a “gentle soul” in her comment, which I saw after I wrote mine. Two of us who knew him well came up with the same description of his nature. Indeed, that’s what he was.
Your chronicling of Henry’s last year while heartbreaking will help certainly help someone struggling with the same issues. Laying your soul bare with such honesty is an act of unflinching mother love. With every word, what comes through is how much you love your children and what a good mother you were/are to Henry.
Thank you, Mama/Nanny. I’m so ashamed to admit this, but, until recently, I thought all addicts were extremely tempermental, stealing cash and electronics from the family, causing the family home to be ransanked due to a drug deal gone bad, etc. These have been my only experiences with friends and family who try to cope with various addictions. This is another reason why Katie’s blog is so important. To break sterotypes; to see the humanity not just the chemical reaction. I can’t imagine the pain and loss felt by the younger siblings. The hospital photo of Jane and her cousin laughing really strikes me everytime I see it. I’m guessing I would’ve been very angry and stoic toward my brother. I’ve learned so much about compassion by coming here. Again, I’m ashamed of my previous narrow view. I’ve been a fan of mamapundit for years because of the love.
our family has a “henry”. he is a young man now, but when he was younger, he was boy who felt too much, thought too much, cared too much. he suffered a badly broken arm at the age of 7 or 8, just at the time that he was becoming a really good pitcher, and then watched from the sidelines as his younger brother received the applause and praise that he should have received as well. i don’t think that’s the only reason he started drinking at 14; i’m sure there’s lots of reasons. or no reasons at all. by 16, he was a meth addict. i’ve never asked him to tell me all the drugs he’s tried or done, but i imagine if it was available to him, he did it. he comes from a family much like henry’s – caring, loving parents, grandparents, a very close extended family of aunts and uncles and cousins, of which i am one. his drug use became worse, and he was often found passed out in his car at various places in town. his parents tried everything – outpatient rehab, inpatient rehab, counseling, interventions – nothing worked. one by one, he watched his friends die from overdoses and even by violence. he has their initials tattooed on his arms. he stole credit cards from his friends’ parents, he delivered marijuana to a house that happened to be in a school zone. and that is what saved him. he was sentenced to 9 months prison rehab. if not for that, he would have been an initial on someone else’s arm. and the only, the only difference, between he and henry is timing. our family was just luckier that our “henry” was arrested when he was and had to face the consequences of his drug use and his crimes at an age where he could more clearly see what his actions were doing to himself and to those that loved him, and also see that he didn’t have to live that way. he was 22 when he went away, and those years between 18 and 22 are such emotional and intellectual growth years. and so, he was just luckier than henry was. for whatever reason, no reason at all really. he is 25 now, newly engaged, has a good job, just bought his first house and makes his family proud every day of what he has become, what he has pulled himself out of. but, really, he didn’t and we didn’t do anything that henry and henry’s family didn’t do. we didn’t try harder. we weren’t smarter. we were just plain and simple luckier. i’m sorry, katie, that henry didn’t have those years to pull himself up. but i admire you for everything you do to help other families. peace to you.
Katie and family,
Unfortunately, it is not true that “All You Need Is Love.” Henry clearly had that in abundance. I am so sorry that it could not overcome the chemical. Your stories will change people for the better. Your love for all of your people is so evident. There is no greater moral triumph than love in the face of evil. The drugs are the evil in Henry’s life, plain and simple. He was obviously a very special person. Sending you hopes for peace from across the state.
I am her mom and I certainly didn’t mean to suggest that Henry came into the home and did things to upset his siblings. His addiction upset them, not his behavior at home. Let’s clear that up. It’s wonderful, Bless the Beasts, that you seemingly are a perfect parent with perfect children. I wish I could say the same about my parenting as I raised mine. But I can’t and I doubt that many others are as outstanding at parenting (your own and others) as you must be. Congratulations. And I’m also impressed with your knowledge about addiction, even though it flies in the face of what experts on that subject contend. Obviously, I’m being nasty and sarcastic, but you have pushed the wrong buttons by suggesting that Henry was in some way evil and mean. He was an addict. He was a teenager. He was not perfect because of those things. But he was a delightful, polite and sweet child from the moment he entered the world until the moment he broke our hearts and left it.
I’m really struggling not to respond to Beasts’ obvious attempts to provoke but it’s difficult. Beasts, you are obviously entitled to your opinion–which thankfully our legal and healthcare systems are not in accordance with–but can you explain why you feel the need to take time out of your life to say incredibly hurtful things to the mother, grandmother, stepmother, and aunt of a recently deceased teenager? I’m not being facetious, I really am curious to know what your motivation is. What do you think your moralizing is accomplishing? You obviously disapprove of so much of Katie’s life (yet you know so much about it); why do you come to this blog? I can only say from personal experience that the times in my life when I’ve been most judgmental are the times I’ve been the unhappiest.
To everyone else, I am touched by all of your stories and appreciate the sharing of them. As a newer parent, I’m taking everything in, yet hoping I never have to use some of the advice. Steve Wildsmith, I have particular admiration for the work you’re doing. Reading the beautiful words you’ve shared here, I have no doubt you’ve helped a lot of people.
Mama/Nanny: Bless you and your broken heart.
Thank you, Becky. You said in a kinder, gentler way what I should have said. I dishonor Henry by losing my temper with whoever that person is. I’m like a mama bear though when someone hurts my children or grandchildren and my claws were bared.
BTB Clearly you are not a troll. Obviously you have something invested in this, and are trying your damndest to contradict the way Henry’s family is choosing to remember him. People might actually consider your need to point out that human will plays a role in ALL tragedies – regardless of the details. I mean, you are being a total jackass about the whole thing, and seriously the woman’s CHILD just died – do you not think for a moment people find it more important to reach out in empathy than to start in with the spiteful crap? Do you honestly not think that all your thoughts have been thought of by people dealing with addicted loved ones? Like you are a freaking genius to point out that things COULD have been different had different choices been made at one time??
I’ll buy that – for every moment in time, someone could have done something different at any other moment in time that would have changed the course – yes. Very astute observation on time theory.
So you don’t find addiction is a disease. Fine, I hope that works for you and your family. Why are you so bent out of shape because most people do? Why do you care?? Why do you care that his family chooses to remember him the way they do? What happened to you that caused you so much pain you are unable to offer compassion at all? Whatever it was, I am very sorry, as the pain that haunts you is nothing I would ever, ever wish on my worst enemy.
Oh, Mama/Nanny, I keep thinking how wonderful your family has been in response to the unkind slings sent your way. I would be far less generous in your situation, believe me! I’m so sorry you have to deal with baseless judgment on top of your terrible loss. The decision to share Henry’s story is helping–and will help–countless people. Your family is very much in my thoughts.
It’s funny that people think it absurd to call addiction a disease. They disagree that addiction/alcoholism can be called a disease because of the choice that one is making when consuming the alcohol or drugs. Therefore it can’t be a disease because one chooses it. Well that’s the funny thing about addiction….it completely changes your thinking. You are no longer thinking with the same brain chemestry as before. It’s as if a light switch was turned on…and it can’t be turned off.
It’s like Diabetes…
Diabetes a disease?
Is it caused by people making bad choices regarding their eating habits? Some yes, and some no? Everybody’s different. If people have diabetes…then everyone that has it should eat only healthy foods. But this doesn’t always happen. However if people have complications from diabetes or if they should die from diabetes then they didn’t take better care of themselves. They should know better because it’s a disease that can kill you.
It’s like being obese…
Obesity a disease?
What causes obesity in people? Bad choices, continued bad choices and their own genetic make-up. One or all of the above. If people die of obesity it’s there own fault that they didn’t take better care of themselves. It’s a disease that can kill them and they should know better.
Here’s a little help for you guys that need to be enlightened.
Disease- a disordered or incorrectly functioning organ, part, structure, or system of the body resulting from the effect of genetic or developmental errors, infection, poisons, nutritional deficiency or imbalance, toxicity, or unfavorable environmental factors; illness; sickness; ailment.
Addiction/Alcoholism occurs due to the incorrectly functioning system of the body resulting from the effect of genetic errors which causes an imbalance/toxicity in one’s person.
Word.
Melissa
Henry’s Stepmom
Beast writes: “Firstly, I am not making anything up. I have no reason at all to do that. I am referring to comments that have already been published”
1)You are referring to a comment by a parent who alleges his daughter was bullied. A single comment made by a parent who is so dedicated to their child he never took action through school administration or contacted Katie when this event supposedly occurred, but waited years later to make mention of it an an open forum. Open your eyes, that person is an attention seeking liar.
2)Katie as well as her Mother tried to clear up your misconceptions regarding Henry’s behavior patterns. It’s apparent their efforts have been an exercise in futility. Were their words too big for you or are you just so hell bent on holding your position you are going to keep reiterating the same ignorant comments and defending your same ignorant, uneducated and clearly hateful position over and over?
Let’s take this down to the most basic level. 99% of the people who leave comments in support and understanding cannot all be wrong and 1% be right. Is that simple enough for you?
I hear the Westboro Baptist Church is looking for new members. You seem to be a perfect fit.
Katie, I’m still telling Henry’s story whenever possible. I want my friends with kids to see this very post. Thank you for helping to raise consciousness about the utter heartbreak that drug addition brings to so many.
BtB, I am guessing that you believe yourself to be a Christian? I was under the impression that showing Love was paramount to that religion? I was (apparently incorrectly) taught that kindness, compassion, hopefulness, forgiveness, and a lack of bitterness and resentment were manifestations of Love… I’m not seeing that in you, and you are apparently the arbiter of morality, so what am I missing?
Katie, I am so sorry for your loss. In light of March’s comments, I want to add the perspective of a sibling of a drug addict. My youngest brother, J, was adopted into our family when he was 7 years old and my sister was 12, I was 10, and my brother B was 9. By his early teens, J was smoking and drinking alcohol. This escalated to more serious drug use pretty quickly, with the attendant lying, cheating, and stealing from all of us. There are certainly differences from your situation, but my parents’ struggle was the same. They had my brother and the rest of us in all sorts of treatment and counseling programs in an effort to make him well. My mom worked with him relentlessly at school and away, trying to keep him on track and catch him when he lapsed.
Finally, things deteriorated to the point where all of the bedrooms had reinforced locks to prevent him from stealing from us for drugs, he had stolen the car, dropped out of school, wouldn’t come home at night, etc. I had only 3 months left before leaving home for college and B was 16 years old. We both avoided being at home as much as possible because it was so strained and uncomfortable. My parents made the excruciating decision to have J arrested and put in a year-long residential treatment program. They felt they had run out of options to control his behavior and also that B and I deserved to have a summer living at home without the tension, chaos and danger presented by J’s presence. Words cannot adequately express the pain they felt making this decision. I am now a mother myself and can see how impossible it was for them to do what was best for all of us at the same time. My parents wept for days after J was removed. It was the worst time of their lives. In the end, B and I were grateful to have our house be our home for a few months. J completed the treatment program the following summer and remained clean/law-abiding less than a week after moving home. The following years were filled with the cycles of treatment and relapse, culminating in a heroin overdose that left him unconscious on the street, saved by a passerby who call 911.
He is now 31, currently sober (for a year or so now) and lives in our city. My parents have maintained a relationship with him through it all, trying to support him when he was moving in the right direction and help him when he was not. I have not. I tried to reconnect when he got clean a couple of years ago (he relapsed against since), but to be honest, I don’t think I have it in me. He was the most destructive presence in my life. His addiction and related behaviors dominated our childhood. I wish him well now, but I don’t want any more to do with him.
Importantly, though, I am close to my parents. I think if they had continued to abandon my needs in favor of his needs as the more-needy child, I would have left home and never returned. All of this is to say that parents have to balance the needs of their children, as you did with Henry and your younger children. It isn’t fair to them to sacrifice their safety and sense of home for the cause of keeping your addicted child at home. I think you made the best decisions you could with the information and resources you had at the time. You did your best. No one should condemn or judge you until they have walked in your shoes.
Beast you are trying so hard….I know you are. Good for you. (seriously laughing)
However you don’t have a leg to stand on. My husband and I don’t drink. Therefore the kids have never seen us drink. Also the kids have never seen us do drugs… that is, since we don’t do drugs.
btw- is your name Karen??
(hahahahaha)
beast,
i’m having a hard time seeing the point in leaving negative comments on a blog written by a woman who lost a son and is now trying to help others by sharing his story. whether you agree with katie’s approach to parenting or how she is dealing with the loss of her son, or if the whole “addiction is a disease – addiction is not a disease” argument just happens to be one of your favorites, don’t you have better things to do?
if you don’t, please find some. try to help others with their drug addiction by telling them it’s not a disease, but simply the result of immoral behavior. there are plenty of addicts out there. if you help one person, then you have made much greater use of your time than trying to hurt someone else. peace out.
Well, I’m appalled by some of the comments here. Katie, I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of years and have both loved and hated what you’ve had to say about all kinds of issues. I value your writing because it makes me think, whether I agree with you or not. I particularly value your writing about your journey with your child’s addiction and I believe you are helping countless readers with your willingness to write honestly about something so painful. I hope the inane nature of some of the comments on this thread won’t deter you from that brave work.
Beast – we didn’t give him a free meal whenever he wanted one. or free anything else. but yes, we shared family time with him that sometimes involved food on a regular basis in an attempt to stay connected with him in a loving, yet not enabling way.
as for the phone, suffice it to say that his parents and step parents didn’t pay for it and were not in favor of anyone paying for it. but someone did. and there wasn’t much we could do about it.
i am clear that you believe that something i did in the way i parented my child led to his drug-related death. let me assure you that nothing you can sling at me in the way of accusations or innuendo can hurt worse than the guilt i carry myself for the mistakes i freely admit to having made.
as for addiction as a disease, we are all clear now that you don’t believe that addiction is anything more than a selfish, “wicked,” immoral choice by people whose parents drank alcohol in their presence. we get it now. so can you maybe move on to some other topic? you’ve made your point.
Could someone please throw some fresh meat off in the distance so the Beast can amble off and stop fouling up this discussion. Enough already
pretty sure beasts’s point is that she (he?) disagrees with attachment parenting, disagrees with the manner in which henry was raised (perhaps she is a martyr whose every single move is for her children), and does not agree that anyone did anything criminal.
WE GET IT- GO AWAY
(AND YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR BRINGING UP THAT SILLY INCIDENT- WERE YOU THERE???? HOW DO PEOPLE (ADULTS?) LIKE YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?)
katie- your message is very strong. as a mother of 3 very small children, i’ve been hovering on your every word to learn more about this. i know that’s what your blog is about. thanks for sharing. i am so sorry for your loss.
Katie, Nanny and everyone —
Can I suggest that everyone ignore the Beastly troll…Because it’s clear that Beast has a huge hangup with drinking — Carrie Nation comes to mind — not to mention a keg-full of emotional baggage to contend with that has nothing to do with Katie, Henry, or this blog. Beast’s posts here are just a way that Beast is using to manage his/her own anxiety.
It’s interesting…some people get addicted to alcohol, some get addicted to drugs, some get addicted to smoking.
But there are also people who get addicted to the “highs” and adrenaline rushes they get off of creating and maintaining emotional dramas and by “internet trolling.”
Katie, you usually have immense tolerance for even bizarre posters, and you usually don’t delete posts, but just as you rightfully did not want to enable Henry’s addictions, there is no reason whatsoever that you should enable the addictions of someone like Beast.
I’d delete Beast’s posts…as Beast is not a respectful participant in the discussion, and therefore doesn’t deserve a place in this discussion.
But at minimum, don’t bother responding to Beast anymore. Because to respond means that you believe he/she has a valid point, and that there’s a genuine discourse to be had with him/her — and I think it’s evident that that’s not the case …it’s just Beast psychotically trolling. You wouldn’t waste your time trying to convince the guy on the street with the tinfoil hat that aliens aren’t trying to control his mind — don’t waste a valuable second of your precious time/energy responding to Beast, much less trying to convince him/her of reality and the truth.
What scares me is that you can do everything in your power to save your child and still face such a crushing loss. You have my condolences and my respect. I wish you brighter days ahead.
It takes such courage to speak up and out about addiction, both from the family’s perspective and also letting us in on what was going on during that time for Henry.
My opinion is that it’s so important to voice the truth, and let those know (yes, especially those parents/adults who do the denial so well!) that drugs, all kinds, are everywhere. It’s difficult to avoid them, they’re so prevalent. Reading Henry’s story will help to shake up the status quo and help people realize that addiction is not just some ‘news story’ but it’s a family/friend anguish that is so difficult! Thank you for writing about Henry’s final year with his struggle.
Our drinking or lack of is not what caused Henry’s addiction. Period.
Bless the Beasts, there are plenty of people who are raised the way you think is best who become addicts. Even if you don’t believe it is a disease, you have to realize there is no one way to parent that will prevent addiction (or immoral choices — if only it were that easy!) Calling drug use (or anything else) a sin is not an inoculation against kids (or adults for that matter) engaging in the “sinful” behavior.
I also think you are reading a different blog than I am. Even though Katie has referenced addiction as a disease, she has been beyond honest about how wrong she thought Henry’s behavior was, even trying to get him arrested! I am just not seeing at all what you see here.
Katie, you are doing brave and important work here. The fact you are doing it while in the midst of unimaginable grief is simply amazing. My children will be learning about Henry’s story.
Oh Katie. I am just heartbroken for you and your family. And the fact that people (one or two in particular) post such horrible things on your own personal blog is uncomprehensible. You did what you thought…YOU his mother…did what you thought was best. And thats all any of us parents can do. Addics come in all shapes and sizes. They come from single parent households or two parent households. Where the parents drink or didnt drink (my own parents never drank but my brother is an alcoholic), did drugs or didnt do drugs. And no one really quite knows why one person becomes an addict and the next person doesnt.
Katie you are a good mom/person. Remember “if” is such a big word. If I would of only I did this or if onlyI did that will not help or change things.
I know that is eaiser said than done but try not to listen to those negitive ppl out there. Oh and Beast…is it “morally” right to judge a greiving mother? You really should be ashamed.
Wow. I’m worn out from just reading the comments. Certainly not what I expected.
A mother, a grandmother, family, friends & a community — all are still mourning the death of a teenager, Henry, who many adored, cherished and loved deeply.
I believe that having honest discussions are a good thing but we must be mindful how we talk to and regard others. I’m not sure how much ‘moratily’ there is in judging a grieving mother and so harshly. I’m really shocked at the coldness. May you never have to mourn the death of a child.
In the bible some of the text reveals that it is better to speak the truth in love. What’ve I’ve seen here is a mother pouring out her heart, attempting to explain the last year of Henry’s life, and another judging her harshly.
This is not love or an attempt to understand, it’s just judgment and it’s just wrong.
As for addiction to drugs – drugs, either immediately, or overtime affect a person biologically. A meth addict, a crack addict generally becomes addicted after the first use. Consequently, an addict who is in recovery may never return to who they were before the substance abuse began.
The brain is forever addicted to the substance although the body at some point may recovery from withdrawal if the addict stops using.
To say that addiction is an issue of morality is to clearly not understand addiction at all. Even the courts have recognized that a person who commits a crime primarly to feed their addiction may be treated differently than a criminal who is not…thus there are drug courts – that involve rehabilitation, inpatient and outpatient treatment, and correction.
Many addicts believe and know what they are doing is not good for them or their family and they know it’s illegal. But the call of the drug overpowers logical thought processes and behaviors.
I do believe that there is some sort of chemical difference or brain wiring that makes some people far more susceptible to addiction than others. I have seen this in my own family: some of us have an intrinsic ability to not want a second or third drink as we know we have had enough, others have a hard time stopping once they start. Addiction can take many forms: drugs abuse, alcoholism, overeating, anorexia, etc.
I have a hard time reading some of the threads here: some are heartbreaking and others are incredibly insensitive. Katie and family, I hope you are OK. I’m appalled at some of these comments and angry for you, and I don’t even know you!
I did make a comment elsewhere about the “bullying” episode that I can’t help but want to repeat here, even though I do not know either of the students involved. My teenage son and his friends, not knowing how to approach young women, have been known to tease or do something foolish in order to get the attention of someone they fancy. Couldn’t this have simply been teenage boy bumbling?
There’s a lot of personal responsibility and personal failure that goes along with addiction.
That’s where the shame comes in.
That’s the worst part.
To go back to someone who replied to something I wrote, I don’t believe that hitting bottom is “describing that alignment of the stars”. I mean, maybe it is sometimes. But, as someone here wrote, there is a feeling that everyone has to hit their own rock bottom. In meetings people are asked about “their bottom” and, really, it seems everyone wants to here about the time you woke up in Vegas having won a million dollars and had a grand piano delivered to your room — and you couldn’t remember any of it. Or were loaded and drove with your kids in the car and were arrested and your kids were taken away. People explicitly talk about how they used. People go on and on and on about how they used. (Those meetings are super dangerous for me).
I wish we could get away from focusing on the bottom. And I wish we could get away from waiting for the addicted to make the first steps themselves. I have been sick on the floor and been told, “you know, when you’re ready, we’ll be there to help”. I thought, you’ve got to be kidding me. It would make me furious, but I’d know that I couldn’t be furious because I the bad guy in the story. I don’t know. I just think there has to be a better way.