After losing Henry, there are lots and lots of things I regret about my choices as a parent, but there are also a lot of things I don’t regret at all – and wouldn’t change if I could. Things like:
-Always picking him up when he cried as a baby
-Singing or reading him to sleep most nights until middle school
-Never spanking him
-Letting him fall asleep in my bed as often as he wanted until he decided on his own that he was too old
-That one vacation we took that I totally couldn’t afford but where he started to learn to surf
-Telling him I loved him each and every time we spoke, emailed or texted until the day he died
-Never, ever giving up on him even when he seemed to have given up on himself
-Making sure he was surrounded by a big family that loved him like crazy
-Taking him to hear good, live music early and often
-Rubbing his back and feet while we watched TV together, even when his feet got huge and smelly
-Giving him the gift of J, E and later, C
-The trip he and my grandmother took together to tour Shiloh battle sites
-Letting him climb trees and walk around the neighborhood all by himself – in Knoxville and Bell Buckle
-Spending far too much every year to make Christmas mornings as magical as possible.
-Taking him with me to vote
-All the nights I sat next to his bed to just watch him sleep and kiss him on the head before heading off to my own bed for the night
-Carrying him in my arms as often as possible until he got too big
-Spending every possible second I could with him during the five weeks he was hospitalized before his death
-Holding him in my arms and just being with him as he left this world for the next on May 31
I’d give anything to have a chance to spend just one more day with him.
Treasure EVERY SINGLE SECOND with your children, even the really hard ones. Be in the moment. Relish every kiss, every hug, and every boring school play. Never miss the chance to tell them how much you love them and believe in them. Go in right now and watch them sleep. Get on the floor and play with those legos or go for that tenth round of Candyland. Read to them long past the age they can read themselves. Be sure you keep a lock of their hair, and at least one baby tooth.
Parent in a way that wouldn’t leave you with too many regrets if you were faced with the unthinkable.
I love this video – fuzzy tho’ it is – of Henry playing his first guitar. He’s 11 here, and the Henry-sized guitar was a gift from his great Uncle John. This was the first song he taught himself, and he starts off by saying that he’s dedicating it “to my Uncle John.”
Katie,
I went to see Joan Baez tonight and I thought of Henry through the whole concert. When she sang "Forever Young" I wept for you. When she closed with "Amazing Grace" I held you and Henry in my heart. She played the guitar so beautifully, and I knew Henry would have loved it.
I wish I had had the chance to meet him.
Hugs from across the state.
I feel no guilt for watching my children sleep even though they both think I'm a creepy stalker for doing so.
Thank you, this is something I needed to be reminded of tonight as I sometimes get stuck in what I feel like I should be doing (those unwritten parenting rules) and not doing what I feel is right.
Lovely video. Wonderful reminders.
I am going to do all of that
And some days when it get's too hard, I'll think back to this post, and your Henry – and I'll try harder
Thank you x
I remember Henry telling me how when he was little he thought the Grateful Dead song "Uncle John's Band" was actually about his Uncle John… he was so goofy. Will you post more videos of Henry?
Ah, I love the way you think, Katie. Bless your heart for taking the time to remember these things and to remind us all of how very important the things we do are. And you definitely were a kick-ass mama to Henry.
I have typed and erased a message about 10 times now, trying to find the right thing to say. My son is the same age as Henry, and has the same problems. I have scrutinized my memories of his childhood for the reasons and tortured myself about a lot of things. But I did all those unregrettable things too. The sleeping, singing and loving, etc.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I love this entire post……it is a wonderful reminder of how lucky we truly are to be a mother. I do so many of these things with my own children and will continue to do so for all of their lives. Thank you for posting this!
Aimee
Thanks for share this to all mom! The best thing! Remind me! When Sariya was 3 1/2 years old! She hadASD heart mur mur!!was they call! Everynight watching her sleep with tear down!pray after surgery , she will be OK! & told little girl , that they will open her heart!she will be safe!now she is 20 ! On mother day this year .she sent message to me! That when she open her eye I sit next to her ,make her feel sucure! I know how your loss!! So sorry! You one of the best Mom…
Yes, yes, one thousand times yes. Your writing is one of the factors in my deciding to parent from my instinct, which so far has include indulging my desire to "spoil" my daughter by always being there when she needs me, by letting her have as much love as she needs before she falls asleep, by always letting her know how wonderful she is.
Thank you for loving and responding to Henry the way you did, because your parenting of him has helped pave a path for me to parent my child.
Ok Katie, I'm going to do this. Thank you. x
Thank you for this beautiful post. Beautiful babes. Beautiful Boy. So sorry you don't have him with you anymore. Thank you for reminding me…every once in awhile, we all need a little reminding.
Katie…. yes.
Thinking of you. Praying that you can find peace.
You know that I wrote about you/flashing to remembering the joy in even the hard or annoying yesterday on my blog? http://www.valleyadvocate.com/blogs/home.cfm?uid=…
I love your remembering that you feel so much no-regret too. Henry really has the mama he needs. Always.
Baby girl, I'm crying for Henry and also for my own child who hurts so much.
Katie,
Thank you for this post – for reminding us that it might not last forever so we need to let our children know how much they are loved.
My heart breaks for you. My first turns 17 tomorrow – I can't imagine where all those years have gone.
Be strong.
DD
Thank you for this. 'Present moment awareness' – your words and photos speak volumes to the essential place it should have in our lives. Bless you.
It's so easy to loose focus on what's important sometimes. Thanks for helping me refocus.
Thank you for this beautiful reminder, Katie. I needed to hear it today. I have a 5-month old…who I nurse to sleep for every nap and at night. I am hearing from so many people that I have to teach her to fall asleep on her own and that I have to stop letting her get up in the night…. But I can't bring myself to do any of that. Thank you for reminding me that I will never regret spending these precious moments with her.
Katie, As you were writing this last night, right around the time you posted this, my almost-eight-year-old son asked me to tuck him in, then asked me to pat his back to help him go to sleep. I was really, really tired and it had already been a battle to get him to bed after letting him stay up too late. I had one more load of laundry to fold before I could turn in. As I looked at his tanned little bare back, I thought of Henry and how much you have said you would treasure another minute with him. I took that time with my kid, thinking of yours. You have changed many lives with your posts and Henry is alive and well in the parenting of those of us who have heard your call to treasure our time with our kids. Thank you!
Katie, I'm a first time visitor and this post really made me teary eyed! It's always our promise being a mom to love our kids. And we really need to take care of them as our precious gems! I thank you for this beautiful piece of page on your blog. I will surely remember this and go back to this when I feel the hard times.
So much to say, words are not forming in my head, tears running down my cheeks. Wishing you peace.
Katie,
Cataloging the glorious moments we spent with our children is one true antidote to the guilt that accompanies our grief. The regrets and what ifs swirl around so much some days that I know I feel like I'm going mad. When I can get myself to settle down and close my eyes and like you think of the Christmas mornings, the made-up songs sung at bedtime, and all the laughing, joking, loving moments I had with my Jordan, my heart is eased.
Wishing you peace and comfort.
Jackie
Thank you, this is beautiful. I have been following your blog for some time and have seen you spending a lot of time on what you think you did wrong or what you could have done differently. That's totally understandable — everybody does that, no matter what happens to their child. It's also so important to look at all the things you did right. I think you are an incredible mama.
This is a beautiful post and I'm so happy to see you acknowledging the many, many right and good choices you made as Henry's mama. He was incredibly fortunate to have grown up surrounded by so much love and understanding.
Thank you for the reminder Katie, I am struggling through a rough period with my two-year old and this is just what I needed to hear today. Many blessings on your aching heart!
Beautiful lady, you have outdone yourself with this one.
I think I better write letters to Inky and Milo, who are at camp, even though I work at the very same camp.
And while I have yet to take a photo for your collection here, I often imagine Henry's name superimposed on our many scenic vistas.
xxx ayun
You so often bring tears to my eyes. You have so many happy memories and you make us all think. I just walked down the basement stairs to tell my big gangly 16 year old that I love him. He looked at me funny … and said I love you too, mom. I pray for you and your family every day.
Thank you for sharing this — it's beautiful, and a much-needed reminder for me right now.
I wish my brother and I had you for a mom!
A beautiful post. You mothered and loved Henry, and all of your children, so well. He had such a wonderful family and full loving wonderful life. He was all of that, not only his sad ending. You honor him in your writings, and he still lives before my eyes, as you recount the memories and post the photographs. He is as real as real to me. You are such a wonderful mother!
I love this. Thank you.
Your words rang true to all mothers who love their children dearly. Sending you a hug from a mom to a mom…you sound like a wonderful one….
Wow… I am in total sync with your mothering philosophy. My 17 year-old son is away at music camp and I miss him terribly. I find myself thinking how strange it is to be separated from someone who is so connected to me. I had a hard day today thinking about what it will be like in a year when he goes away to college. Then, I read your blog and can't begin to know what YOU are feeling. My heart breaks for you. Just breaks.
Dearest Katie,
If only everyone could have a mother like you, this world would be a better place. You are a true inspiration and I thank you from the bottom of heart for sharing your journey.
Hugs and more hugs,
Ashley
Thanks I needed this post tonight.
Oh, how I needed to hear these significant words tonight. My oldest son and I have a very strong, very tight bond with one another and I know it was built during those quiet nights when both of us were awake and needed company. As he is growing older and trying to navigate his new world, we're hitting rocky ground and it is often difficult to see beyond the moment where anger and frustration reign. Thank you for reminding me that the struggles are fleeting, but our love is bigger and more powerful than any disagreement. I had to take a moment after reading this to search him out in his nest of a bedroom (or is it mess of a bedroom? lol) and tell him that I love him. You've given us all a rare gift, Katie, in sharing your deep connection to Henry and in showing how important it is to never left anything unsaid. What a blessing you are.
That's such a healthy post Katie. I'm happy that you can acknowledge all the things you did right and are not beating yourself up. You did so many things right.
Not long after my Little Angel died, a debate came up on a message board that I had belonged to, about letting babies "cry it out" so that they "learn" to soothe themselves.
And I posted there – my last post on that board – that I will never ever regret picking up the Little Angel every time she cried. Carrying her around in a sling if I needed to get housework done, or just letting housework go if she wanted to nurse, whether or not I had 'other stuff to do'.
When we can look back and see that we gave our kids a good life, not a perfect one, not one without a misstep or two, but a good life where we tried hard as parents, it will help you through this pain. Keep remembering that you gave him a good life. Keep remembering the good memories.
i'm so glad to read each and every single one of those non-regrets, primarily because you have NOTHING to regret. you parented H the way you believed was right. and that makes it right. that list was fantastic. and so were the videos.
thinking of you still!
I am a long time lurker but have never commented before.
I have three children. A 14 year old son, 12 year old daughter and 9 year old son. The years have flown by and I often find my mind spinning in circles as I try and reflect on the past week, month, year(s). We are (like most) a busy family and always seem to be on the go. Always on to the next thing.
I wanted to take a moment to thank you.
As I have read your posts about Henry my heart and eyes have wept for you. I have spent a lot of time thinking about you and your family. When my children have been running around driving me nuts, or when my children are begging for my time when I just want alone time. I think of your sweet precious boy. His picture etched into my mind as a reminder of how every moment counts.
Last night my husband was out late and I was enjoying the quiet house. I saw my youngest getting a drink of water from the bathroom. I asked him if he wanted an extra hug for the night. He is my cuddler so he jumped at the chance. He ended up snuggling up to me and falling asleep. I held my sweet boy and cherished the time. Kissed the top of his head and was thankful for the moment.
I thank you for this memory. Just months ago , I would have kissed him and sent him back on his way to bed. You have taught me. Your sweet Henry has taught me to hang on to every moment and never send one away.
From the bottom of my heart.
Thank you!
Hearing from other parents that their relationships with their children have changed in just these very important ways since Hudson died is one of the only things that brings me any solace about her death at all. While I wish my sweet girl hadn't been the sacrifice that taught such a lesson, if it is the way it is, then I'm so glad that she's teaching the lesson and that others are listening. Your Henry is doing the same.
As I was reading through the comments, my two-year-old son woke up crying. I went to his bed and stroked his head until he fell back asleep, then lay there a few minutes more. I understood.
He was Henry. I was you.
That you have shared Henry, and shared yourself through your grief, is an immeasurable gift. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I'm crying again for you and your beautiful Henry as I read this in my hospital room. Thanks again for sharing these precious memories with us.
Thank you for this. I'm so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful son. You are a wonderful person for reminding others to hold on tight to our precious children.
Oh, this is such a beautiful post. I am pregnant with our first baby, a boy, who is due in December. I sometimes worry about how I'll parent…if I'll smother my children with my love. Reading this post about all the wonderful things you did with Henry makes me realize there is no such thing as too much love. I want to build as many memories as possible so they will have fond memories of childhood, of holidays, of feeling secure at home.
My favorite thing you noted was "Never, ever giving up on him even when he seemed to have given up on himself." This really choked me up, especially because it helps me remember that there are others who think this about me, even when I have given up on myself or am hard on myself.
Thank you so, so much for this. Words can't describe how sorry I am that you had to go through this horrific loss.