We have had a big development at our house this month; J is now DRIVING!
AAAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
She got her learner’s permit recently, after she turned 15 in August. She studied hard and passed her test with flying colors.
This is a parenting first for me – having a teenage driver – because Henry really wasn’t that interested in driving, and frankly, we didn’t really want him driving – for obvious reasons. He did get his learner’s permit when he turned 15, but he basically never drove as a teenager. Ever.
So J is my first teen driver. I played no role in teaching her to drive; her dad handled all of that, and it appears he did a fantastic job. She’s very good, very careful and very confident (I worry that she’s overconfident). She loves to drive, as one would expect, and she wants to do it at every opportunity. Whenever we get in the car, she’s asking to drive. And I find myself wanting to say no more than I want to say yes.
My reason for wanting to turn her down on the driving is all about me and has very little to do with her; even though she is clearly pretty good behind the wheel, riding in the passenger seat with her driving makes me unbelievably, irrationally nervous. As she pilots the Honda minivan home from school or to the grocery store with great elan, I sit beside her, chewing my nails and biting my tongue. I literally have to consciously prevent myself from commenting on every move she makes. Often, I fail miserably, and I suddenly blurt something out about turn signals or following too closely, and I can see that I’ve just made her nervous rather than helping her in any way. But it’s like I am possessed by Satan when J drives; I can’t keep my mouth shut. Something compels me to spew unsolicited and often unhelpful advice.
I will keep working on this. Maybe by the time G turns 15, I will have myself under control.
In my opinion, there is absolutely no feeling rational when you ride with them, or when they are out in the car without you. You will start to be able to control your outbursts before long, but you will never stop feeling afraid for them and for yourself. A teen driver is a frightening thing. May I suggest a Defensive Driving Course? We have them here on the other end of the state, so you may, as well. It made all the difference with my older daughter.
My kids are 3 & 2, so I can't even imagine how nerve-wracking it must be!!
We have a rule in our family. Once a kid has a permit and has completed driver's ed, he/she must log 1,000 miles of driving time with a responsible licensed driver before getting his/her own license. I think it made my parents more comfortable, and I know it made me a better driver. Of course, that was back in the day before private driving schools. I learned through my high school, so I never drove at night or in adverse weather until I had to log my miles. LOL
Good luck to J (and her mama!) What an exciting milestone.
My mother used to sit in the back seat when I drove! It really improved her reactions to my driving.
That is exactly what I'm like with Rachel my 17 year old. Ihave no answers for you. I'll just keep praying for the both of us.
Here's my teenage driving story: We live in Israel and during the war with Hizbollah in Lebanon 5 years ago, my then-17 year-old son volunteered in bomb shelters in northern Israel to help the children and the elderly there. When he got home (we live near Jerusalem, which was out of the line of missile fire), he told me he was going for a ride with a friend who had just gotten a driver's license. I panicked and asked him not to go. He reminded me that he had just been in a war zone with missiles zooming overhead. And I told him, "Yes, but at least there you could take control of the situation and go down to a shelter. When you drive with your friend, you have no control at all!" Rational? Probably not. But I certainly know what frightened me more!
It's not misplaced,You should be nervous!
As good as her dad taught her, it's best when you alsp invest in a defensive driving course, and drivers ed for teens.
It's worth it!
Driving was a very difficult part of growing up for my parents and for me, and I have heard similar stories. This is no help other than to say that it's normal that it is hard! Do your best and set some rules (i.e., how many people in the car when she drives, etc). Has she taken a defensive driving course? That may help too.
Get her some lessons! She'll feel more confident and so will you.
My dad taught me to drive and that was fairly nerve-wracking, until I got proper lessons; nothing on earth could have convinced me to get in a car with my mother.
Trust your instincts. You should be nervous. I just wrote a blog post about why my teenagers are not allowed to drive until age 18. This stance has made us tremendously unpopular, but the statistics on teenage driving are so scary that we are holding firm. It's great that Jane is getting lots of practice behind the wheel with you right there. But the studies are showing that experience is less important than brain development.
My 15 YO son started driving in June. The first time he drove I felt physically sick!! Sitting in that passenger seat used to be relaxing … a place where I could be zoned out for a couple of minutes …. and is now a stress-filled, anxiety-ridden journey. He is a good driver, but a bit of a lead-foot. I also want to say no every time he asks, but know that experience is the best teacher.
On the flip side of the anxiety – is the part of me that can’t WAIT until he has his license, and can help haul around his sisters!
I hope it gets better for you. My oldest daughter (now 25) had me ride with her a couple of years ago. I sat with my head between my knees to keep from vomiting. I don't even bother with my youngest who is now 21. I sure hope it gets better for you.
in nj, we have the highest population density of any other state plus the highest car insurance rates, so a few years ago, the state implemented a three-step "graduated license" program.
1. you have to be 16 years old, take a state-mandated driving course with a certified school for 6 hours (that YOU have to pay $350 for), take the class and pass the test (usually given in HS to 15 & 16 y/o sophomores). Pass the eye exam, meet with your instructor to have your permit validated, prove who you are with an orig birth certificate and SS card, pay the fee and now you have a permit.
once all those requirements are met, you purchase removable red license decals for $4/pair*, then a new driver w/ a permit cannot drive without a licensed driver over the age of 21 w/ 3 years driving experience in the passenger seat. only one other person is allowed in the car unless a parent is present. you cannot drive even if all other conditions are met, after 11:01 PM. these rules must be followed for six months and you reach age 17 when you graduate to a probationary license.
2. NOW you can drive unsupervised (still with red decals) but with only one other person in the car and curfew is still 11:01.
3. after one year, you now can get a basic driver's license and enjoy all the privileges adults do. to prevent underage drinking, until age 21, drivers' licenses for youth are taken portrait style (instead of landscape style.)
*red decals went into effect this year with a large hue and cry from kids and parents alike. they felt the decals not only placed them under undue police scrutiny, but also as a target for pedophiles. the stickers tend to fall off too b/c they're meant to be removable when an adult driver is driving and putting them off and on dirty plates (esp with winter driving coming up) they tend to lose their "stick-um" and then you have to pay $4 for a replacement set.
on my son's 17th birthday, he got his probationary license allowing him to drive unsupervised for the first time in the year since he'd been driving. he went to visit a friend and i was terrified the first time he drove out the driveway with a toot and a wave. but he's still to this day,3.5 years later, very good about calling me with his whereabouts and after awhile, i relaxed and enjoyed that i didn't have to drop what i was doing to drive him somewhere or pick him up. i still worry during snow or ice but he has never had an accident (knock wood) yet. if snow is really heavy, i make him stay where he's at or promise to come home if the plows aren't keeping up.
i've bought snow tires for the first time in my life and also AAA which has been useful because he buys 15 y/o cars for $1k or less and they inevitably break down! but he gets his money's worth out of them and he knows some basic auto repair (he has a friend whose dad owns a professional garage and the boys tinker a lot there on weekends.)
trust me, you seem like the kind of mama who knows her daughter and her capabilities and j seems like a responsible girl. wait – in 3 years when she's 18 and you have to start all over with e! i think boys are different – you know, that whole underdeveloped frontal lobe thing manifests itself more in boys than girls…
you'll be fine – just be careful with the constructive criticism – kids are coming into their own and they're betwixt and between and they're very fragile. my son flat-out refused to drive with his gma b/c of that.
I did not teach my older 2 sons and WILL NOT teach my younger two. My role is to help them study for the exam, I make them too nervous in the car. And I remind them to the point of making them crazy: No texting and driving, no talking on the phone, two hands on the wheel and call mommy when you get there! I still tell my 27 YO all of the above.
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I am going through this exact same thing with my 16 y/o son.
I am so irrationally worried every time I know he is out behind the wheel.
Hugs from one mom to another!!
When my older brother was learning to drive, my mother was a nervous wreck. She was so out of control in the front seat one day, as I sat in the backseat taking all of this in, she actually leaned all the way across the front seat and grabbed the steering wheel while unleashing a string of criticism. Wow…what a low point. But her grabbing the steering wheel is what stuck with all of us as the thing that crossed the line. Slamming on the brake that wasn't actually at her feet…annoying, but not so awful. The constant "advice," again, annoying, but heard and digested. Repeat your words if, as S said above, she is following too closely, she isn't signaling, etc., etc. Kids do need to hear that. Kids are overconfident behind the wheel — I still remember that about myself 24 years later. Just, you know, follow some of the oldest Mommy advice in the world: "Keep your hands to yourself!"
I can’t ride with my kids driving either. I decided that I suffered through labor; so my husband can take this end of it.
When I was a new driver, some million years ago, my mom would drive with me and she'd say, Whoa!, Whoa! Whooooa! And I would panic – did Whoa mean, "watch out for the car on the left" or "slow down for the stop light," or "leave more breaking distance." Let's just say that if you are able to speak actual words, you are doing better than my mom did! My oldest kids is turning 12 soon, and I dread the whole driving thing. I can barely handle watching her ride a bike, dive off diving boards, or do flips on a trampoline. Hopefully, hopefully, I will be able to say more than "whoooooah."
I will never forget a particular incident when I was a "new driver" and my mom was riding shotgun. I was driving up this humongously steep hill in a straight-drive, and all of a sudden, my mom screams out "STOP!" like something was about to run into the road. I slammed on the brakes, and then mom calmly said, "Ok, now go ahead." It took me a few tries, but I mastered that hill without rolling backwards. To this day, I thank my mother for "helping" me learn to drive. Hope you and J make many happy memories together ~ she'll do just fine! Trust her, and count to five before you blurt anything out…
We had a rule/…. during the one year my kids had learners’ permits. they HAD to drive everywhere we went. After that, they got their licenses, and I never have to let them drive with me in the car again!!!!! I was able to manage my backseat driver’s tendencies for 3 years, one for each kid….. but now they are 30, 33, and 36 I just let one drive me for the first time.
You will manage, but it is tough…. I empathize!
Barbara M.
My daughter just got her license but I am still a bit of a wreck driving with her. I am, to my surprise, calmer than her dad who is usually Mr. Cool.
Even though L practiced driving many hours with us, enrolling her in driving school classes was very helpful as she learned tips for passing her road test that we wouldn't have known and gained extra confidence.
This is a terribly painful rite of passage!
If you are blurting things out about things she’s NOT doing wrong, than yes, you need to try to relax. But if she IS following too closely (It’s not a subjective thing… She’s either following the 3 second rule or she’s not) and if she’s not signaling, then she must be made aware of this.
I would enroll her in a driving course, regardless of her skill level. You really do learn a lot in them.
I’m 40 years old, and I think to this day my mom hates driving with me (although I’m often told by others, without any prompting, that I am a very safe driver). I hope you have better luck with J than my mom with me … :->
I'm experiencing the same situation with my teen. It gives me terrible anxiety to be her passenger. Every time arrive at our destination I have to wait for the blood to circulate back to my knuckles and the indentations of my fingernails to vanish from my palms. It's all normal.
One of the things that makes it a little easier is that she is in a complete driver's education program. She has a total of 15 classroom lessons to complete as well as 9 two hour road lessons with one hour observing and one hour driving. Not only is this going to better prepare her as a driver, since some of the rules have changed since I was a student driver (did you know it is illegal to pull through a parking space in a parking lot? I sure didn't) but it will also lower her car insurance premiums (even more so if she is a good student) once she has her driver's license. I know some teens who's monthly car insurance payment is almost as much as my car payment.
Good luck
Tennessee also has a graduated driver's license program for drivers under 18, which, although not as strict as some other states, has had good results in eliminating deaths among teen drivers. For the learner's permit, the teen is required to hold it for at least 180 days before applying for a license, drive a minimum of 50 hours, 10 of which must be at night. My advice is to count up every hour especially the ones at night! Some parents choose to skimp on the driving hours and just sign off on it, leaving an inexperienced teen driver behind the wheel. After those requirements have been met, the teen can apply for an intermediate restricted license. This allows driving without an adult present but only between the hours of 6:00 a.m. and 11:00 p.m. The driver is allowed to have only one passenger. This requirement lasts for one year, and with certain other requirements being met concerning accidents, points on record, etc., the teen driver can then apply for an unrestricted license.
Both my son and daughter were over age 17 before they got their licenses and although it was not convenient having to cart them around when most of their friends were driving, I think the extra maturity helped. So far, no accidents or tickets for either one (daughter now 23, son almost 20). We also used the *privilege* of driving as a great leverage tool for getting some unruly teenage behavior under control! Parents, if nothing else seems to work, taking the car away or holding off getting the driver's license definitely does!
I am shocked that children at age 15 can drive (in Tennessee or elsewhere). Perhaps your nervousness comes from the fact that in your gut you know 15 is too young.
If you don't like her driving, then don't let her. You have the right and the power to say, "This isn't working. I need you to wait another year. Trust me on this one."
jzz55 – My nervousness comes from the fact that I hate driving and I am nervous when ***I*** drive. She is doing a fine job thus far. Trust me that she will not be let loose on the roads by herself for a long time. Her dad and I are going to be very cautious about her earning the ability to one day drive solo. That will be a big step. – Katie
I feel your pain! My 19 year old son had no interest in driving, we finally had to force him to get his license so he could drive to a job. My 14 year old daughter….totally different story. She wants to drive on our property every chance she gets. I have backed out of all driving instruction, I will gladly leave that to their dad. Apparently I am a micro-managing control freak when it comes to teaching kids to drive.
I'm 25 and learned to drive at 16 (where I live you get your learner's permit at 16 and you can get your license 8 months later if you take driver training) and 9 years later my mom still grips the armrest when I drive. I think it's a totally natural worry!
OK, good. Because I find the idea of driving on the same roads as solo 15-year olds completely scary!!!
One follow-up memory: After a tumultuous teen driving experience, growing up in the Midwest, one of the best compliments my mother ever paid me was several years later when I was driving her to the airport in Boston, where I was living then. She said, "Boy, I'm sure glad you're driving and I don't have to mess with this."
I have 5 and the 4th one got his license. I am still not in control with him or the oldest. Maybe when they turn 55, I'll get there.
This is off topic from the other comments but you touch upon it in your post… Concerning E and J, have you considered individual therapy for them? It is really important that they are able to process, in an emotionally healthy way, these huge life bombs that have been thrown their way. I’m glad to hear that E has a cousin he can relate to but the great thing with therapists is that they can be completely impartial. hd film izle E and J would be able to say anything to a therapist, things they might not want to admit to anyone within the family. Addiction is a family disease, so as great as it is to have familial support, it is equally important to have outside, unbiased support as well. E and J may want to check out Alateen as well, where they can meet others their age who have been through the same thing.