So night before last, I stayed up really late working on some stuff, but at about 1 am, I decided to take a relaxing bath and go to bed. As I mentioned, everyone else in our family has been traveling, so it was just me, alone in our giant, old house.
Or so I thought…
We have not had a possum sighting in several weeks, so I had really begun to let my guard down. I certainly didn’t have possums on my mind as I relaxed in my nice, hot bath with a glass of wine at one o’clock in the morning. But as I was lying there, I heard this very loud scratching noise directly above me.
Our bathroom is one of the rooms in our house that has yet to be renovated in any way, shape or form. It’s in baaaaaad shape. Part of what’s so icky about the unrenovated bathroom in our house is this ugly drop ceiling made of some kind of foam tiles that someone installed at some point. And now, these ugly foam tiles are barely hanging in place where they were originally installed. They’re both heinous and falling apart.
So I look up at our ugly-ass drop ceiling, because that’s where this scratching noise is coming from, when all of a sudden, one of the tiles comes loose and a giant creature falls out of the sky and lands with a huge THUD only inches away from the bathttub.
IT WAS A GIANT POSSUM! A POSSUM ALMOST FELL INTO MY BATHWATER!!!!
This was no baby possum like all the others. No, this was a fully realized possum, larger, filthier and even more venal looking than any I’d encountered in our house previously. I think the possum was temporarily stunned by hitting the bathroom floor so hard, because it just stared at me from a few inches away, even as I screamed bloody murder at it to GET AWAY! GET THE HELL AWAY. AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!
After a few seconds, it started to run out of the bathroom, and I realized I needed to catch it before it hid somewhere else in the house. So I hopped out of the bath tub – totally nekkid and dripping wet – and took off after the possum, which ran out of the bathroom, through my bedroom, down the hall and into the dining room.
Well, that’s where the trail went cold.
The lights were off in the dining room, and before I could get them turned on, the possum was nowhere to be found. So I’m standing there in the middle of the night, still soaking wet, totally nude and screaming obscenities at the now-escaped possum in our house. I also realized that I was still clutching the glass of wine.
I spent about 30 minutes trying to find the possum, but to no avail. And Leo, our Great Pyrenees, slept through THE WHOLE DAMN THING. The possum ran right past him where he was snoozing on my bedroom floor and he never blinked. (Afterward, I chastised him mightily, and told him that if he wants to be on Team Possum, he needs to get with the program.)
That night, having accepted that there was a GIANT POSSUM roaming our house, and that there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it until morning, I got a sizable butcher knife from the kitchen, and I placed it on my nightstand before I went to sleep. Then Leo and I slept with the doors to the bedroom closed and locked tight. It was like our own, personal Possum Panic Room.
omg, hilarious AND terrifying!
You know if your house catches on fire and the inspection finds that the cause was chewed wiring, your homeowner's insurance won't cover it, right?
Is there a good name for posts like this? My mother did (does) this same thing — but at least I know she loves me and can't help herself.
Favorite time — older couple walking by our house and the woman trips and falls. Husband was out on porch and immediately helped her up, got her a chair, we got her a glass of water, etc.
Mother's first comment: Gosh, I hope she doesn't sue you, that's probably what's going to happen. (I went back and forth over our sidewalk making sure that it was level, which it was, unlike most sidewalks in our neighborhood.)
Thanks mom. In fact, what happened is that we got a lovely note in the mail within a few days thanking us for the chair, water and concern.
So watch the mail, perhaps your possum will thank you for the surprise and exercise?!
ROFLMAO
If you weren't buck naked and you had a video camera ready (assuming you don't want to be buck naked on YouTube or AFV) you could have a viral hit, in the money for any video contests.
Man. Sometimes you really just can't anticipate the next curve ball or possum dropping from the sky.
Oh my goodness! I love the fact that you managed to still be carrying your glass of wine with you while you were on possum pursuit. Is it time for an exterminator?
Yes. We have avoided the inevitable for too long already. It's time for the Varmint Buster dude to pay a long visit to our house.
Agreed- that is the height of class, Katie! And bravery- I would have been at a motel for the night.
Met mine face-to-face on our front porch. She just did a waddle, waddle, waddle, flump off the porch. BUT… I know she was all over inside my house, because she tore up a love seat and stole out of my purse. I'm just soooo glad I didn't have to meet her in the bedroom. EEEEooooooo!
I agree…call the exterminator!!!
I hate possums. Really and truly!
You are too brave! I would have been out of that house and sleeping in a hotel or even my car!
You continue to have the rock and roll lifestyle!!!! =)
I haven't laughed this hard in a very long time. I heart you.
I hope you will forgive me for imaging the whole scene in terms of Jeff Bridges fighting off the attack ferret in 'The Big Lebowski', and laughing until I cried.
You win. You truly win.
Running nekkid through the house, dripping, WITH the wine glass… You win.
And, OMG that possum in the bathwater possibility is FRIGHTENING!!
A hotel room would have had my name ALL OVER IT. I'm calling you "Chicken Little" from now on.
I hope you didn't spill any of that wine!
No laughter here. Jaw dropped, mouth agape, hand covering mouth in horror. Possum falling from ceiling and nearly into bath water? Horrifying!! Running naked through the house with glass of wine in hand in pursuit of possum? Okay…that part is funny. But still enormous YUCK!
That was EXACTLY what I said when I went to check out whatever had crawled out of our attic onto the roof above the bedroom window and was confronted with a possum leaning over the edge hissing at me – "OMG! There's a GIANT possum living in our attic!" To which my spouse replied "what do you want me to do about it?" (It was 2 a.m. and he was annoyed that I woke him up.)
We trapped the possum a few days later, and it turned out not to be "giant" at all, but completely regular-sized. I still get kidded about the giant possum. And I still contend that if you came face-to-face with a hissing possum, you might think it giant as well.
You haven't gotten an exterminator, YET?
You have children in the house!
I'm still laughing about you still holding the wine. OMG what would you have done if it hit the bath water! I think I would have died right there.
My name is above
I don't have a blog
I think I found you at Dooce but I can't remember. I've been reading here for a while your story is very sad to me. I've been in some of these situations, but thankfuly he is still alive and doing much better.
I live in the North East, NY
I'm married and have three kids.
I have a dog, Toto
I'll eat both cake and pie thank you very much.
Take care. Mary
What a great story! You should read the Wednesday Wars by Gary D. Schmidt. There was a similar incident, and it is a wonderful story.
my son is reading that right now. I'll have to read it after he finishes.
OMG, I would have been to shocked to scream let alone get out of the bathtub. Get thee to an exterminator pronto.
and kudos for still holding the wine.
OMG that is going to give me nightmares. I would never ever had stayed in the house. I don't believe in killing things but I do not want creatures in my house. That is another reason I like brand new houses no renovations. You are lucky it did not bit you.
I'm fine with killing things, and agree you need an exterminator. It's no different from having rats, or mice, or squirrels, or fleas, or cockroaches in the house. They're vermin. If they want to live, they can stay outside. Darwin at work.
All the visual imagery of this situation is hysterical!
Oops, I wasn't finished. Have you called Varmint Busters? I believe they trap them, and they have fantastic references.
Our SPCA used to come trap and remove possums. (Free!) Please call yours immediately! They are horrifying beasties, aren't they?!
I could see it coming! I thought it was going to land in the tub though! Thank goodness it didn't! Bad enough it landed in the HOUSE! I laughed so hard at this (sorry).
Love the story! But, seriously, people need to chill out. It's a possum. Yucky, but it will not injure your children. Yes, not very pleasant, but not the end of the world. And not all of us are floating in cash to call up exterminators immediately to tear apart our homes and revisit multiple times to see if they've fixed the problem. At least the possum family is providing entertainment for all of us!
OMG. Get the exterminator NOW. And then get an electrician to go through your house and check the wiring.
Do possums like to chew on wiring? Here in Switzerland, we have martens who particularly like to chew on brake cables — which you only figure out when your brakes fail as you are going down those hairpin mountain roads… and insurance won't cover the costs of any associated marten damage.
So if possums chew wiring, given that you have an old house, yes, have someone check they haven't caused a possible fire hazard!
Where in the heck was Jon? You poor, poor thing!
o m gee. tell laura mayes to read this!
I enjoyed reading this aloud to John, since we lived through our own possum invasion. I can't remember if I told you about the time our plumbers found a mother possum sitting in its nest in the wall when they were fixing the plumbing. You need to call our plumber. He improvised a noose and had that thing out of there in about five minutes! The possums are yucky, but they won't hurt you. If they are threatened, they really will "play possum" and just curl up in a little ball and refuse to move.
Living in East TN is a trip. The other night I got a call from my husband that there was a three-and-a-half foot long snake in our kitchen. I'd still rather have dealt with the snake than a possum!
You really don't want to be bisecting no full-grown possum in your house, especially if you're clothed only in indignation. Maybe go with the Taser.
Have you tried traps?
Folks, a possum is not a rodent. It's closest relative is a kangaroo.
It will not hurt you. They eat mice and insects. And, play dead and hiss at you when they are scared.
Much better to have a possum than a rodent. But, they are getting into your house somehow and you need to find out how and seal up the entrance to prevent much worse animals from getting into your house.
I replied to you on twitter but, no shit, I am reading this as I am soaking in a cool tub since I just got done mowing the lawn in the heat and am looking at the ceiling above me!!! Thank God our house is only 12 years old so I don't think anything can fall through the ceiling!!!
Do you ever look at Design Mom? She reviewed a book about a possum. It's a kids picture book and
I think they are magic our something. Anyway, I thought of you when I saw it. http://m.designmom.com
That is the funniest thing I have ever heard! I had an owl land on my face in my house while I was asleep once. I was pregnant with my first child and alone in the house late at night. The owl apparently came down the chimney and landed on my face. I screamed and jumped and ran and shut the door. My brother came over and looked in the bedroom, I was afraid to even look, and it was sitting on top of the curtain rod. It was about 18 inches tall with gigantic talons. He took a blanket and covered it up and captured it. He let it out and covered my chimney for me. I think you need to get my brother to come over and catch you varmints.
OK, not really funny…but you made me laugh. Out loud.
Reminds me a bit of the time I heard noises in our attached garage…opened the mud room door to the garage and saw that I had not closed the garage door for the night…so I did…a while later heard much louder and stranger noises from the garage…was too scared to investigate (alone for the evening)….in the morning I gingerly opened the door into the garage…I felt a presence, but saw nothing….stepped out onto the landing of the steps that lead into the garage…saw nothing….stood for a while…nothing…turned to go back into the house…just above my head FOUR raccoons (mama? and babies) were balancing on the screen door, which was propped open against a wall….EEEKKKK!!!!!!
This, my friend, is my ultimate nightmare – that one of the creatures I hear skittering around in the attic at night comes dropping through the ceiling onto my bed. I had just about convinced myself that that would never happen, until I read this post.
But sister… you saved the wine! And that is ALL that counts!
(funnnny story!)
Saw the Wildlife critter catcher in the hood on my way to work this morning and wondered if it was on the way to your house. lol I live on the other side of Broadway and down the road a piece, but still tecnically Old North Knoxville. I can't imagine the terror of having a Possum nearly fall on me. Those are some ugly creatures with vicious looking teeth.
Remember when Dooce found a giant bobcat in the attic? Oh man that was something!
I was still up with my old friend insomnia when you posted this on facebook. I read your status, paused, reread your status…..and acknowledging that I'm a wee bit "off my game," kept thinking….SURELY she doesn't a possum LITERALLY fell nearby while she is in the tub. Well……from henceforth, regardlesss of my sleep deprivation, etc….I WILL take your posts serious. I could NOT have slept in the house — ye olde car would have been my new abode.
I lived in an apartment where we had squirrels in the ceiling above our bathroom and this was my on-going nightmare scenario.
I'm so sorry about the possum attack, but it did prepare me for last night when I discovered a squirrel has been coming down my chimney and wreaking havoc in my basement. I kept thinking of how you handled your possum in the bathroom and it gave me great courage, so thank you!
Well, I'm not very experienced with possums (opossums), but after having come across this item in today's paper, I think they are rather cute.
There is an opossum named Heidi who is taking Germany by storm. She has a facebook page, they've recorded a song about her, and the ball is just getting rolling. How can you not love this rather surprised-looking cross-eyed face?
(check out the video!)
http://www.tdg.ch/opossum-heidi-louchera-public-j…