We fell in love with this house the moment we walked in the front door with the realtor who had it listed. We had all three of the kids with us (there were only three then!) – Henry, J and E – plus Henry’s best friend Max.
The house had only been listed for a day or so, and we were only the first or second people to look at it. It was ridiculously huge, absurdly old, wildly impractical, and needed a TON of work.
But as the kids happily ran up and down the stairs and around the backyard and settled in on the front porch swing, Jon and I looked at each other and grinned. We knew this was our house.
Henry, E and Max on the front porch on the day we first looked at our house.
The upstairs was particularly dilapidated, but the space and windows and light were amazing. Even the kids could see the potential, and as soon as Henry saw the room that would become his that first day, he claimed it.
Henry’s bedroom on the day we all first toured what would become our house.
So the room became Henry’s. He plastered the dingy, still unpainted walls with posters and his own artwork and Indian paisley cloth hangings, and he really loved his space. He and his friends spent many happy evenings playing guitar and hanging out in his room, and he and I had many long talks sitting on his bed in there while I rubbed his feet, which he loved. I often pointed out to him that at night, looking out his bedroom windows, he could see the lights of the hospital maternity floor where he’d been born, located on a tall hill about half a mile away. We both thought that was pretty neat.
With everything the house needed (and it still needs a whole lot; it’s a work in progress) we hadn’t yet gotten around to renovating Henry’s bedroom when at age 17, he left home for what would end up being 9 months of inpatient addiction treatment in 2 different states. Because Henry was a teenage boy and didn’t care so much that his walls were still unpainted, we fixed up J and E’s upstairs bedrooms first, and they turned out great. They’re awesome bedrooms.
But while Henry was gone, in happy anticipation of his return, I completely made over his bedroom in a way I thought he would like. With the help of our good friend Jerry, Jon repaired the dinged up drywall, and I chose a color called “zen blue” for the walls. I bought new curtains and sheets and pillows. I couldn’t wait to show it to him when he got home.
Henry died only a few months after he returned home. He didn’t get much more time to enjoy the bedroom in which he had spent his adolescence.
After he died, his little sister immediately announced that she wanted to move out of her own bedroom – next to Henry’s and for which she’d personally selected cheery pink and orange colors and curtains and bedding only a year or two previously – and into her big brother’s room. This didn’t make much sense, but who was I to judge? I was in a total fog, and frankly, I could barely bring myself to go upstairs at all after Henry died. So J decamped to Henry’s room and has lived there for the past 17 months. Her bright, sunny bedroom that she had decorated herself sat half empty and unused.
Two weeks ago, J just as suddenly announced that she was moving back into her own room – no real reason given. So she and her little brother E spent all Saturday afternoon moving her stuff back into her bedroom. She now says she’s very glad to be in her own cheery, girly space with all her belongings reunited. But I think she did what she needed to do for the time she lived in her brother’s room. I understand.
This week, while J and E were away at their father’s house, I went upstairs and really looked around for the first time in a VERY long time. Henry’s room sat empty once again, except for the clothes he’d left in his closet and that J had not disturbed during her temporary layover in there. I sat in the middle of his floor and cried and cried and cried AND CRIED.
Most of Henry’s things are still upstairs – his shoes and his lacrosse stick and his favorite books and his school backpack… I just haven’t been able to face dealing with them, so they’ve stayed wherever they were last put up there in closets and drawers or leaning in corners of the huge main upstairs room.
This week, after J made her transition back to her own space, I decided to claim Henry’s room as my own. I’d been trying to figure out what to do with
it…
Guest room? Storage? Shrine left untouched forevermore? But this idea of a room of my own came to me suddenly and just felt right.
I’ve never in my entire adult life had a space all my own – an office or a retreat or a writing room or whatever you want to call it. But I decided this is what I wanted and needed to do. And also, I have to stop avoiding the entire second floor of our house, where, since Henry died, I have regularly gone WEEKS at a time without stepping one foot up there, and even when I do, I rush back downstairs as quickly as possible. As a result, E in particular has kind of avoided his own bedroom since May 31,2010 because I think he felt like if his Mom didn’t want to be upstairs with all those memories of his big brother, and with all of Henry’s things left where they lay, he didn’t want to be up there either.
So that’s what I decided – it was time for to go upstairs, turn the lights back on, and for me to face sorting and putting away all of Henry’s clothing and belongings.
And I want to make his room into a room for me not as some kind of unhealthy shrine to my dead child, but definitely as a place where I do feel close to him.
So bit by bit, I’ve been working on this project. I started by cleaning out his closet and packing away his coats and shirts. I sobbed without ceasing as I did this.
Then I began turning Henry’s room into my own room – although I think it will always feel more like our room. I’ve been doing everything all by myself, mostly when everyone else is asleep – including hauling heavy furniture in and out of the room – because this process feels like something important for me to undertake myself.
Continue reading Part Two.
That sounds like a wonderful thing to do Katie. A great step in your healing process. I'd love to see photos when you're ready to share.
What a huge step. Everything you wrote sounds so right. Making his room into your writing room and office feels like a great idea for you now. I hope cleaning out his things is cathartic/sad, not horrible/sad. I am feeling so optimistic for you these days, and glad for your older kids.
The room is such an impressive project/step. How great that you are making it yours and Henry's room. Our sons were infants and did not have very much stuff but I struggle with what to do with it. I look forward to reading about your progress. Take care.
I am so sorry about the loss of your sons. You said they were infants when they died, may I ask how old and when you lost them? I know how horrible it has been to lose one child, I hold you in my heart for having lost two.
This is an excellent project. Good for you for claiming it for your own; that's so important in so many ways!
I don't know what to say because I know this isn't celebratory but I know it isn't bad, either, and I guess I just wanted to mark my place with you here this morning and let you know I was nodding at/with you.
A room of your (singular and plural) own. Yes.
sending cyberhugs your way. I am guessing there will be many bittersweet moments as you convert Henry's bedroom to a space for you. It is heartening to read that you are doing what you feel is right for you and allowing the other kids to do what they need to do too. take good care.
Thanks so much everyone. I really am finding that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing at this point. – Katie
Another important step for you, Katie.
Incredibly poignant but incredibly right.
Something tells me the room will become a focal point in your home. It will be filled with light and energy, silence and concentration sometimes, music, noise and laughter other times – it will be a special place for you – and your family. A safe place, a place to come home to. Just as Henry would have wanted.
So glad to see that something has shifted and you are now able to undertake these new projects. Continued blessings.
It's an odd thing. There comes a day when you wake up and feel strong enough to venture into uncomfortable space that you've been avoiding for years. Momma passed away in '95 and I just haven't been able to go through the boxes of things until this past summer. I'm not done yet, but I've really enjoyed the process of seeing and touching and smelling the items in the boxes. Papers, postcards from her college days, the guest list to her and Daddy's wedding written in her hand, old perfume bottles she kept on her vanity- whenever I'd get uncomfortable with the process I'd find something that would give me the strength to continue digging through all the memories. The most amazing thing I've found was written on the back of an old check from the 60's or 70's. I had scribbled a drawing on it and wondered why Momma had kept it- but, when i turned it over, in my Grandfather's handwriting were the names, birth and death dates of his grandparents. Finding that one slip of paper at the bottom of the box prompted me to begin a family genealogy search that has uncovered so much wonderful and interesting family history that I've been able to share with the rest of the family. I do wish I could have shared what Rick and I have uncovered with my Grandparents as their beliefs and convictions are an imprint of the families from which they defended. One interesting point from both families is the fact that my relatives on both sides of Momma's family lived in Delaware in the late 1600's- early 1700's. I've driven to the location of the plantation owned by one and walked the churchyard of the first primitive Baptist church in the USA that the other helped found. It's given me a huge sense of peace that maybe I'm not as far away from home being in DE as I first felt when we moved here in '99. Granted, I do love the fact that both sets had the sense to move south after a few years-
But, as you go through things, keep your eyes open for the unexpected gift that may come. These gifts are the most healing of them all.
Thank you sweet Georgia. Love to you and Rick. Xoxo
Maybe it could be a space for you, J & E to be close to H and close to each other? Maybe an office/homework/computer room for all? I did it with an odd space I had, and my kids liked that there was just a small couch in there to read on, a desk to do homework, and the computer. We also had all my craft stuff in there too, so when projects for school came up, it was easy to know where to look. Not everyone has the space to be able to do it, but it seems like you do. One suggestion, do not put a bed in there, because then it becomes sleepover central!!! Big hugs to you and yours.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having space of your own! Pshaw to those nasty feelings of guilt over taking an entire room for yourself! Count yourself blessed to have a house that allows for it!
When I became part of this huge family 3 years ago, I knew I would need such a room for myself. At the soonest opportunity, I made it so. My room is my office too as I work from home frequently, but is also where I pray, read, knit, sew, craft or just go to be alone. It's decorated in purple, pink and green – like a garden, with oak trim and beautiful lace and floral curtains. It's an oasis of girliness where my daughters bring their babies and sit and talk with me. I'm surrounded by shelves of books, tons of yarn and bits of memories. I listen to my music and watch chick flicks – I even have room to dance along with Mama Mia. Or do yoga. This is a space I need and deserve! It's still a work in progress…. Rich is going to craft a sewing cabinet for me, and and I am going to get a futon on which I sit and relax or even nap.
Did I mention that the view out of the window includes the Smoky Mountains?
I think this is awesome what you are doing… Not just the space of your own but also that by making it from Henry's room, you are taking huge steps in healing. Go for it!
I have to say that reading this post, and seeing part of your older children's grief process has brought me such comfort. I have been terribly concerned about J's grief and whether she was able to find any outlets, in a way that doesn't really make sense because we don't know each other. Maybe it's because my first real family loss happened around the same age as she, but just knowing now how she first dealt with the loss and then to read that she's ready to move back into her own bedroom…..well….that brought a huge lump to my throat and tears of joy. I'm so glad she's getting through this too. I constantly lift you and your family up in prayer. So happy to hear about this new update! Good luck with the "design" process to your new room.