Remember back about a decade ago when it turned out that enough Americans were entertained by “bum fights” that enterprising filmmakers decided that money could be made by setting homeless guys up and encouraging them to engage in violent fistfights on camera? Remember that?
It was disturbing and predatory.
While TIME Magazine and its major media compatriots would certainly condemn setting up a dangerous physical conflict between vulnerable people to earn a dollar, TIME clearly isn’t above creating its own philosophical “bum fight” to bring in revenue, and it’s settled on American women as its pugilists.
With its much-discussed, inflammatory “Are You Mom Enough” cover this week, TIME became just the latest big media brand/publisher to laugh all the way to the bank as we moms dance and jab and argue endlessly on camera, just as they set us up to do. Only instead of this series being labeled “mommyfights,” we get a title for our own media-manipulated, ever-escalating grudge match that’s far grander and more violent sounding: we get “the mommywars.”
But see, here’s the thing about a war. It can only happen if the foot soldiers – the boots on the ground – agree to take up arms as instructed by the powers that be, and then actually do go at each other per the strategic directives being issued by whomever thinks they’re running the show.
But what if the grunts in the war who are allowing themselves to be treated like so many game pieces in a real life, very profitable game of Stratego simply and quietly stopped? I’m not talking about turning the fight against their overlords, but instead about passive, non-violent resistance, a la Ghandi?
When that happens, game over.
And that, fellow American mamas, is what I propose that all of us – myself very much included – start doing as of tomorrow – Mother’s Day 2012, an American holiday actually born of women’s peace activism.
I propose that tomorrow become the first day of a nationwide, grassroots, maternal campaign of non-violent resistance against the profit-driven institutions which continue to find ways to manipulate us into voluntarily ripping our own sisters-in-arms to shreds for public entertainment, thus creating a sleight of hand by which any energy or interest that might exist within our own ranks for addressing the real economic and social issues that impact us and our kids is effectively diverted, diluted and silenced.
Let’s turn May 13, 2012 into the day when individually and collectively, we all say enough. The day when we end these godforsaken, destructive, exploitative and made-up “mommywars” once and for all by sitting down wherever we are and simply refusing to engage any further.
Let’s start letting the whole of American media and punditry know tomorrow that we hereby declare that from here on out, if the question they’re asking us is, “Are you mom enough?” every single one of us plans to shrug our shoulders diffidently in response, and simply concede – as Lisa Belkin has already done – that nope, we aren’t. Not one single one of us is “mom enough,” whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. And next time any of us is asked – collectively or singly – the only thing the asker will be getting in response is a daisy or maybe a cookie, offered up with an enigmatic grin and perhaps one of Abbie Hoffman’s more amusingly (and purposely) absurd quotes.
When NONE of us is “mom enough,” when we ALL simply forfeit the fight they want us to have with one another right at the outset, there are no “sides” in the “mommywars.” And without two opposing sides, there is no war. By passively conceding, and then refusing to take up arms, we will effectively suck every bit of possible dramatic tension right out of their planned, profit-driven story arc.
+++++
As part of our new campaign of passive resistance against the war the media wants us to fight in order to sell more advertising against our conflict, If anyone asks one of us to pose for the cover of a magazine in a way clearly designed to inflame another round of “bumfights,” we will politely decline. And conversely, if we are expected to rage and rant against a fellow mother who does make the choice to pose for such a cover, we’ll defy those expectations with a thundering and enigmatic silence.
That’s how I see this thing working. And that’s what I plan to do, starting tomorrow.
So who’s with me? Who will join my proposed campaign of non-violent resistance against the “mommywars,” which I hereby dub the “Not Mom Enough Movement?” (I’ll order the t-shirts this week if anybody wants one.)
Who will help me get the word out to other moms via social media (how about #notmomenough for a campaign Twitter hashtag?), office water cooler, assembly line grapevine and playground mom-chat?
This is how we can make this happen amongst our own ranks, without relying on major media to define the Not Mom Enough Movement for us. We can be our own media on this one.
+++++
Happy Mother’s Day 2012 , y’all. I hope
that the gift we start giving ourselves and our fellow mamas tomorrow will mean that when Mother’s Day 2013 rolls around, we are no longer anybody’s go-to “bums.”
You helped start the mommywars with a book on attachment parenting, a philosophy that says that those of us who don't choose to breastfeed, or use cribs, or use strollers, etc, are less attached to our children and our children are less secure.
I wonder how your opinion has changed now that you have a child who wasn't breastfed and who you left to go to work? Do you feel less attached to her?
Pedro, clearly you didn't read what I just wrote. Have a cookie.
-Katie
I second Pedro. This is nothing if not capitalism and the more you mothers blog and opine on each other, the more money in your own pockets.
You're the beneficiary of a 'mommywar', just the same as TIME is.
Rather than write sanctimonious posts deriding your own moneymaker, just feed the beast you helped create.
I have to agree with Pedro and anon on this one.
Mamapundit has now earned advertising dollars off of this issue, with two blog posts and who knows how many page views for Cool Whip. It's quite a conundrum.
You are missing the point. This blogger is not saying she's never written about this issue. She's saying she realizes now that the dialogue we've been having, all of us including herself, isn't helping so she's stating an intent to disengage on this topic, and encouraging others to do the same. I love it.
I'm unclear why you're being sarcastic in your reply to the top comment. I think what is being pointed out is that you have participated in the MommyWars yourself. His question seems fair (Though I believe the phrase that you "started the MommyWars is certainly unfair) and I'm not sure why you are replying so angrily at him.
It would be interesting to see how your opinion has changed over the years…
And I'm not trying to start a fight in any way but I don't think you can compare Mothers to "bums." Homeless people were preyed upon with promises of money to feed themselves and their hungry children. I think comparing homeless people in very sad, desperate situations to mothers is wrong. Mothers (in this sense) are not being pitted against each other to sacrifice their basic humanity and dignity to take care of themselves and their children.
*I’m not sure why you are replying so angrily at him.*
Huh? Where's the anger in the reply?
Seems like a few people got up on the cranky side of the bed this morning.
Are you serious? Derision and condescension were dripping from that comment. I'm not saying it wasn't warranted, but please, let's call a spade a spade.
I felt it was a nicely mellow response to a caustic and personally-aimed comment.
Have a cookie? Really? I agree with Pedro, but even if I didn't, this is a miserable response.
I haven't read your book in a long time. Were you the one called cribs "baby cages"?
Blogs can stop blogging about this you know. Or turn off your ads if you really choose not to participate on these over-hyped made up wars. "money could be made" indeed.
Mommy wars are not ACTUAL wars. We are not foot soldiers. Our lives are not on the line. Time is not paying bums to fight. I have a feeling if Time asked you to be on the cover, you would be there tout de suite.
@Pedro:
I also should add that I did not breastfeed my oldest child (born in 1991) or my youngest (born in 2010) and I've always worked full time (or in some periods, two jobs) my entire adult life.
Just FYI.
Katie
Im confused Katie, in your NYT article about your ex sending you to court ordered parenting classses, you said you were a " stay at home mother until divorce pushed me into the full time work force." long time reader, but this seems misleading.
@Pia –
My first child was born in 1991. Between 1991 and 1994, I worked outside the home, full time. Between 1994-1996, I attended grad school full time and worked part time. Between 1996 and 2003, I worked full time – but was able to do my contract work mostly from my home office with some required travel. When my first marriage ended in 2003, circumstances required me to find a job that would provide health insurance , meaning I could no longer do my job mostly from home and on a kid-centric schedule. I had to return to outside the home employment, and that's been how my work life has been since 2003. I hope that clarifies.
Katie
@Pia –
Also, just to be clear, in TN all divorcing parents must attend parenting classes before their divorce and custody arrangement are finalized.
Katie
I think Katie's own writing clarifies this: When the "Opt-Out Revolution" piece came out, I was newly divorced after almost a decade of being a mostly at-home wife and mother myself. I was 34 years old, unemployed, a mother of three, and for all intents and purposes, I was completely penniless. The divorce ate up my share of whatever modest property and savings my ex and I had managed to accumulate by that point in our lives, and I found myself starting over with literally nothing. I didn't even have a real bed – I slept on a futon on the floor for the next three three years. Family help sustained me until I was able to find a real job with benefits, which took several months, even in that very good economy. Thank God, I had done quite a bit of home-office-based, high-profile freelance and contract work over the years, which made it possible for me to land that first job, because if my resume had been blank for the past almost-decade, I would have been in a world of hurt.
After the experience of finding myself starting completely over at age 34, I had a sort of Scarlett O'Hara moment,in which I promised myself that I would never, ever again depend so much on anyone else to provide financial security for me. I had always been hardworking and ambitious, but I found myself with a new, very intense drive to succeed in having a career that would protect me and my kids. I was completely traumatized by that first Christmas season after my break-up, when I found myself unsure how I would both eat AND buy even the most modest of gifts for the kids during my half of the shared-with-their-dad holiday break, when they would be home full time with me. Never again. I thought to myself. Never, ever again.
Pedro. Anon. The rest of you trying to keep the fight going…
What didn't you understand? It's over.
And the way all of you are trying to drag Katie back into the fray is laughable.
"The only way to support a revolution is to make your own."
Abbie Hoffman
Oh, because Katie announced the "war" was over, that means it is? Ha ha ha. And the rest of us should just stifle our opinions and shut up like good little girls and boys? Don't think so.
As for Abbie Hoffman, Pete Townshend was right to hit him on stage at Woodstock. Useless.
Pedro. Oh wee. What fun. Shakin' up the hen house.
Get a hobby. The rest of us are moving on.
Good night.
I have nothing to say to this post. Time magazine wrote that article with the pictures and all to "hype" this nation's mothers up! That is what all left wing media does. I choose not to participate. I choose to be the mother I am. Comfortable with my parenting style, not conforming to what society thinks I should be, but choosing my own path of mothering!
Right wing media does it too, Sheri. Fox news, for example, is the grand champion of stirring the pot .However, I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiment about choosing your own path. I applaud your confidence! Go team!
Time is not a left wing magazine. Never was, never will be. Not even close.
Time was the middle-of-the-road/conservative American newsweekly. Newsweek was the more liberal of the two major news weeklies. In the 60s Time began covering trendy topics to sell magazines, but its coverage was largely critical and conservative regarding those issues.
Time's recent Mommy cover is a nod to its famous 1966 "Is God Dead" issue, the cover of which was a deliberately provocative move thought up by its conservative editors to sell more copies. The actual article was quite reasoned and thoughtful and was covering a rather arcane theological trend that didn't really get anywhere in the end. The lesson learned was that covers can really get people going, though, and sell copies!
I worked in magazine publishing for some years and this lesson was known and understood by everyone in the business.
I'm with you. I am a breastfeeding, cloth diapering, baby wearing, babyfood making, occasionally co-sleeping, pro-vaccine mother of two circumcised male children. I don't make excuses for the way I parent because I'm doing the very best I can. I refuse to be labeled and I refuse to judge any other mother who is doing the best she can. I'm refusing to buy Time just to read the article.
she's not comparing mothers and homeless people. she's comparing the way the media manipulates fights of various types whether they are physical or philosophical in order to make money off the conflict.
I would love to see more moms give each other the grace to be different in mothering styles and offer one another support instead of criticism.
One of the benefits of getting older and being a grandmother is that I am no longer so strongly opinionated about such things. My daughter and daughter-in-law mother their toddlers in different ways, and both make me proud because they LOVE their little ones and are doing their best to be good mommies to them. What more could I ask for?
Well put, Gmommy!
That's good that you don't believe the hype, Gmommy, and that's my opinion on raising children as well. Because the parenting 'philosophy' the mother follows makes not one bit of difference, at all, in the way the kids turn out. It's all sound and fury–just noise. WHich is why I find it odd that a self-proclaimed expert on a particular parenting philosophy is calling for an end to what she herself participates in.
@anon – You're tilting at windmills. Not only have I never, ever called myself and "expert," in fact I've always very explicitly done just the opposite. To wit: http://www.babble.com/CS/blogs/homework/archive/2…
Um, I'm really not trying to pile on here, but the definition of pundit is "An expert in a particular subject or field who is frequently called on to give opinions about it to the public." (Google). I'm afraid that you announce yourself as an expert by virtue of your brand.
I agree with anon and Mick. Calling yourself "mama pundit" implies that you are (at least in your own mind) an expert at mothering. Personally I have always found your writing here and other places to be anti-SAHM so I find this manifesto ridiculous.
Dude her blog title is obviously tongue in cheek. Ever heard of Instapundit, Vodkapundit etc? It's a meme and it's humorous not serious.
Wow, did this post ever bring out the haters! People that read blogs just to pick apart the author's post or throw past achievements in their faces like insults baffle me. If you haven't got anything nice to say, why would you waste time commenting?
You answered your own question in the sentence before it. Anonymous sniping is what keeps blogs going.
This is the smartest, most provocative thing I've read since that stupid Time story came out. Kudos.
I so agree with you Katie. I have been a mom for almost 20 years and as long as I can remember, moms of different types have been pitted against each other. I'm joining the "Not Mom Enough Movement". It is the perfect Mother's Day present.
I'm with you on this, Katie! I think you echo the sentiments of many mothers who are tired of these kids of debates. Mamas judging mothers isn't productive and that's how these "discussions" always end.
For what it's worth, I don't always agree with Katie on every topic, but I've never felt like she was preaching "her way is the only way" to her readers. Sure, you can tell she feels strongly, but I don't find her pushy. So what? She wrote a book. That's what writers do. Blogging about experience is different than creating a whole sensational cover and a nearly offensive title meant only to shock and stir up controversy amongst mothers. For the first time, I was disappointed in Time.
Anyhow – Happy Mothers Day to you Katie – and to all fellow Mamas! How lucky we are!
@Melissa – your comment is an early Mother's Day gift to me. Thank you for expressing so clearly the difference between having a point of view (which all mothers do, including me) and taking two points of view and intentionally pitting them against each other in a public way designed solely to earn money off the ensuing, generally worthless and sometimes destructive conflict you know will ensue. – Katie
But why call it the "Not Mom Enough" movement? Why put ourselves down? Why not instead say that all of us are "Mom Enough" in our own ways, to our own kids?
Leslie – I think the power comes in the concession, and the forfeit. However, implicit message is exactly what you just said. -Katie
Love the sentiment, great idea. Let's take it a step further next time something like this is thrown out there, and not comment about it at all. Totally ignore it. I have a vision of something like this being put out there, the people that are behind it waiting for the response, and the look on their faces when nothing is written about it, at all.
Here's the issue I have with what you're saying: she was obviously okay with the picture she took and the pose they were in. That's her parenting choice. From the interviews I've read with her, she didn't seem to think she was doing it to be divisive. You're saying not to judge one another but your giving guidelines on how we should act.
Otherwise I'm all for it. I'm a working mother and one of the people I respect most in the world is a very traditional, defer to her husband (by her own admission), stay at home mom. She doesn't judge me and I don't judge her because the bottom line is, we are all making the decisions that we feel are best for OUR family.
writing a book on attachment parenting is hardly starting a mommywar unless someone has a persecution complex. Part of not engaging in mommywars is also having a policy if good faith in which people assume when someone says "I do X because of Y" they are not actually saying "and therefore since you Z instead I am better than you and you suck."
What IS starting a mommywar is pitting women against one another for their choices and implying there is some sort of contest. It's rooted in all around misogyny because it's not exactly like this is the only issue the media spins like this. There's how we dress, where and if we work, what field we work in, how old the men are we sleep with, how much we do and don't drink (we really should have seen this coming when the papers started coming out with "omg, some moms have, get this, a few drinks in the evening… what do our experts say?!") who we have sex with and what kind of sex we have and you ever notice it's always a bunch of women from different perspectives, some sort of mental health expert (or two) and a reporter musing questions?
Okay now I want you to imagine they took a typically male everyday normal household activity… let's say lawn mowing, and had a guy on the cover with a push lawn mower, and then a big article inside about how he prefers this basic back to natural way of lawn care and then talks about his feelings on it and how some guys think a real man would get a riding John Deere and some guys feel closer to the earth when they use a push mower and some guys tried the push mower but their arms just couldn't muscle it enough for their big huge lawns and now they cry because the push mowing guys make them feel bad. I mean AS IF this would even get past a pitch! But that's what TIME did here, except with a women's issue.
Part of me admittedly is cranky and tired of these mothers exploiting themselves and their children for WHAT reason I have no idea. No one is going to be "educated" by these articles. Frankly, most people don't give a damn that you breastfeed your toddler. Yeah they might think it's gross but then they're done thinking aout it and move on with their day. And most preschoolers I nursed (3 so far!) never nursed in public anyway unless there were other nurslings around, so I'm just failing to see why the general public would need this information? Women who want to nurse and need info are going to go and find it and aren't going to be swayed by an article in TIME. Especially not one where the whole premise is to display it like some circus act to gaze at inquisitively.
But I don't want to hate on them, so I'm going to save my frothing for the stupid media induced hype instead. I'm going to assume these women have some good intentions and like me are doing the best they can. For all I know they sigh in exasperation at me for not nursing in public (sorry, my kids were all shy… which was actually a huge PITA trying to go out and do things and yet find ways to find a quiet private place they'd chill enough to nurse… For the record tho, my bottlefed baby wouldn't take bottles in public either!) and not telling every single friend I have all about nursing my daughter until she was almost 5 (For the record, she prefers I keep this private. She's a teenager now) and basically not being an example of how totally normal I think nursing is. So I won't go there.
And yes, I can't believe people think that you're comparing homeless people to women Katie. For cripes sake people she's comparing the tactics used and the whys!
You raise a great point. I have never heard men bashing each other because one uses a push mower (or electric) while someone else has a ride-on model. There is some behind-the-back holier-than-thou amongst the enviro crowd I know (and perhaps what-a-granola-head amongst the John Deere crowd as well, but that's not my crowd so I'm just guessing), certainly, but they don't get into in the same way as Moms seem to about diaper or preschool choices. It's your lawn, do what you want/need to do.
Of course, mowing a lawn and raising children are orders of magnitude apart in importance.
I'm all for it. Will you all just leave one another alone?
I'm not a mom. I don't pick on anyone.
I volunteer with Boys n Girls Club. I help take care of foster babies who have no parents.
Please get some perspective 1st world parents!
We don't all live in the suburbs and neither do the kids and babies in this nation. Mythology!
"…non-violent resistance against the profit-driven institutions which continue to find ways to manipulate us into voluntarily ripping our own sisters-in-arms to shreds for public entertainment…"
Means not coming to this blog. Or twitter. Or Facebook.
Or TV.
For Mother's day, I would really appreciate it if all you mothers would just stop being judgmental toward one another. Please remember that the access to education, food, shelter, and medicine is not equal across class and geography.
From many years of observation, I know it must be a biological imperative to believe you are a better mom than anyone you see. I agree. I see every one of my friends as the best moms to their children. And believe me, I know the difference.
If it's not enough to focus on your own kids for now, please volunteer. There are many babies and children whose moms are truly not able to care for them.
I am with you Katie on this one…I was at MOM 2.0 with you and wanted to hug you after you received the Hallmark Card Shower…now I really want to hug you.
I wish you a Happy Mother's Day which I know is a very difficult day for you but you really have what it takes in my opinion.
Count me in. This is brilliant.
Please pardon the wacko punctuation.
This is a pretty incredible thing to write, especially from someone who, as others have pointed out, is very much a part of the mommy wars.
You wrote a book about attachment parenting (it's INSTINCTIVE!). You have defended attachment parenting forcefully for years, ridiculing writers who criticize it for not knowing what they are talking about.
If this proposal is meant to apply to you not jumping in to this conversation anymore whenever other "profit-driven" journalists start it, then fine. I'd just note that you are bringing this up in response to a magazine article attacking a version of attachment parenting… you never seem to get so upset when there are similar pieces written by the "other side."
Especially when ridiculing and disparaging an eminent feminist for having vague corporate ties to formula companies.
You know, the same companies you yourself patronized when you couldn't breastfeed your youngest child.
But Pedro, Katie wasn't criticizing formula. She was questioning/criticizing the validity of a woman who tells us we are too attached to our kids (sorry, i don't remember the terminology, but you get the gist) and has a financial interest in the formula industry. I'm finding some of these arguments and statements surprising tangled and far reaching. Once again, she was not criticizing formula, but the integrety of the advice of a woman who is financially involved in the alternative to nursing.
I'm sorry, but questioning the integrity of Elizabeth Badinter the way it was done on slate is just beyond the pale.
I can only count on one hand the feminists who have done more to back up their views with careful scholarship. And for decades. She's not a joke, she is an intellectual (a philosopher, not a journalist) and she didn't deserve to be dismissed and ridiculed.
If Badinter is accused of being money-grubbing and having no integrity, I don't know HOW readers- unless they've never heard of one of the most prominent feminist activists of our time- don't think someone without her wealth- blogging for money isn't more suspicious.
The attack on Badinter was just awful.
I have to agree that Katie's ad hominem attack of Elisabeth Badinter was very disappointing.
Instead of discussing the important issues which Ms. Badinter raises, Katie made a sensational accusation, as attention-grabbing as this Time cover.
Katie, if you truly are committed to ending the Mommy Wars, then please go back to Badinter's book, and deal with the issues she raises.
I'm not a mom, though I would love to be one. There is a difference between informational books about different styles of parenting that draw contrasts between various practices and provocative pieces like in Time that are purely for shock value.
I think we should be working together to increase job-protected time off for new mothers to 6 months or a year like other developed countries and legislating workplace accommodations for pregnant women and new parents. If we keep our wrath pointed at each other, we can't work together at policies that will help all families.
Happy Mother's Day to all.
In one way or another, a lot of us have participated in The Mommy Wars over the ways. And bravo to Katie for her initiative for trying to call a definitive stop to this, and to the media's continued attempts to fan the flames. Let's support each other, not slam each other.
That should say "over the years." OFF TO HAVE COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I wrote a similar post in response to the TIME article on my blog Huppie Mama. If you have a moment, I would love to get some more feedback. Thanks! http://huppiemama.com/?p=1884
Katie, I've read you for quite a while but I have to say this post is extremely hypocritical. You just got paid for going after Elisabeth Badinter on Slate!!!!
I AP to a large extent, but work full-time, and I've gotten it occasionally from both sides of the debate and…so what. How women are pressured – whether by AP fanatics to stay home and never let a baby cry even if it means not going in the car ever because the carseat is "crying it out" (true advice! From mothering dot com! To a woman with PPD!), or whether by fanatics not to spoil a baby – these things matter. How women bear the brunt of parenting judgement matters. How young women maintain or give up careers matters. No, we don't have to be mean or look for one-size-fits-all solutions but IT MATTERS.
The Time cover was provocative yes. Ultimately though this is a real nursing pair; a real mom and a real child. The package was good. It engaged with the same issues you have. I'm sorry but I just cannot get behind the backlash.
There's nothing hypocritical whatsoever about Katie saying she's no longer going to engage in this cultural conversation. She's saying that she's decided that her commentary on this issue and anyone else's doesn't serve any purpose and doesn't plan to do it anymore not that she's never done it previously. That's honesty not hypocrisy.
Fair enough. I look forward to future pieces that lower the tone of manufactured controversy like getting in a huff about owning shares in a PR company that represents a huge food company.
About those cookies…are they store bought or home made?
@Andrea – Store bought, all the way baby!!!
Bravo Katie. I've gotten into it publicly on this issue too and I think you're right. We are realizing we've been had. We thought that by responding to things like the Badinter book we were stomping on the fire but it turns out we were only throwing grease on it. I am definitely going to be part of #notmomenough
A little late to the conversation here, but as I understand it, there are cookies involved. I have been a long-time supporter of cookies, but it's apparent that Katie is proselytizing in favor of commercial storebought cookies. In the past, she campaigned for free-range cookies, when it's a proven fact that she has received gratis bags of Nestle chocolate chips in the past.
And look at her comment above, she states that her cookies are "store bought", when any mother worth her kosher sea salt should be baking her cookies made with organic flour that's she's ground herself, with wheat that was grown by local blind schoolchildren.
I do not support non free-range, commercial cookies.
Oh Chrissy, I'm so glad I kept reading the comments all the way down to yours.
#FreeTheCookies
Yes! Chrissy, this is the best comment ever! After all the other commenters, I needed some comic relief!!
I don't understand why people seem to think that proponents of attachment parenting are all judgmental of non-attachment parents. I am vegan, and so many times people assume that I am judging their own food choices, when nothing could be farther from the truth. Eat whatever you'd like, I don't care! Raise your child however you'd like, too!
How much of the 'mommy wars' are people feeling insecure and projecting?
Even the name 'attachment parenting" is judgmental. As if those of us who prefer strollers to slings and cribs to family beds don't have close, loving attachments with our children.
I'm not feeling insecure in the least. I'm just drawing attention to Katie's hypocrisy. She is supposedly an expert on AP, but doesn't practice it with her younger children. She calls for an end to mommywars the week after she attacks another woman for daring to suggest another way of parenting is better; in the meantime suggesting that this woman's corporate ties make her argument invalid. She even has the nerve of decrying "profit-driven corporations"–despite working for one, blogging for one, and posting sponsored shills on her own blog, when of course she's not doing one of her naked-begging posts. Give me a break, not some crummy cookie.
**As if those of us who prefer strollers to slings and cribs to family beds don’t have close, loving attachments with our children.
I’m not feeling insecure in the least. I’m just drawing attention to Katie’s hypocrisy.**
Hee. The juxtaposition of these three sentences is pretty funny — or sad.
Somehow, I'm pretty secure in my own good enough parenting to not be threatened by other people describing their parenting and choices and changes they've made.
Also, I'm secure enough (or unconcerned enough or lazy enough?) to let other people have their opinions and express them. I can then agree, disagree or ignore. I don't actually have to attack them as people and parents, that's pretty counterproductive to understanding them or changing their minds (if that's my goal, which is pretty rare).
It's nice having grown up enough to do this. I hope you can learn it too.
@Pedro, it sounds like you are in fact very insecure…and it also sounds like you have some beef with Katie that isn't connected to her post about wanting to end the mommy wars.
What argument do you have against ending groups of people fighting with each other? Can you respond without attacking anything about Katie?
Do you agree or disagree with the premise of being kind to one another regardless of opinions? With all your talk, I still don't know if you agree or disagree with not hating on each other anymore. Not sure what you thought the point of the article was, but I think you may hae other things you want to express that don't belong in these comments.
Maybe you don't. But I'm an AP parent and I can tell you I've decided not to be too vocal about it because of the crazy ones running around judging women they see with bottles, bemoaning the poor children stuck in strollers, and Mayim Bialik stating flat-out: "The vigilance a new mother has for her baby is programmed into our DNA. Mammals sleep with other mammals; we are supposed to do it. You don’t sleep alone, why should babies and children?"
_We are supposed to do it_ is pretty prescriptive language to me! This is on the Today Show blog by the way:
http://moms.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/03/07/…
But, why should I care about what someone I don't know and who doesn't know me says? I read lots of books, but if I don't like what they're saying, I usually put them down. If I see someone I know doing those things, I might watch and see if it makes any more sense to me.
But mostly, I do what I do. I usually have some reasons why I do it, but I also know that my reasons are partially general reasons and also partially my very own, my situation and family reasons.
Mostly, I think that having older kids now has mellowed me greatly too — thinking that all of your individual choices have such a huge impact is, well, is trumped by experience!
I'm not sure I said you _have_ to care? My kids are mostly older too (6 years, and 16 months)
What I said is, AP is a movement that is proselytizing that if you don't bed share (in Bialik's example) you are less of a parent, and apparently less of a mammal. There is no harm – in fact I would say the opposite; there's a responsibility – in Time taking a look at that. You can definitely not care, but that doesn't free AP from being critiqued.
It also doesn't negate that AP can be a very shaming parenting philosophy, not just for those who don't follow it at all, but for women who struggle with wanting to work, needing time and space away from their kids, who want to sleep independently and all kinds of things. In a way I think AP in its worst form (and bearing in mind that I have personally found benefits from aspects of it) basically makes motherhood incompatible with women leaving the home.
And that IS a cultural concern, given that women historically and currently have been defined solely as mothers. I find it kind of funny that Time is getting this blogger backlash for talking about it; it's a real shoot-the-messenger mentality.
6 and 16 months is old?! Trust me, wait until you've got kids on the other side of living with you! These issues just don't count anymore — no one asks a college freshman how he slept as a baby.
How can a theory of parenting (or the people who follow it devotedly) with some good aspects, some silly, some that work for one person and some that work for another shame me?
I looked at my kids to see what was right. Were my children able to be content? Did they spend most of their day fussing and whining or were they interested and alert in the world around them? Were we all getting enough sleep and good nutrition?
One kid as a baby loved to get out and go, see people, and move. So we did. I didn't think that other people whose babies didn't like being out and about as much were wrong, and if they thought I was wrong, why would I feel ashamed?
It's time to step outside the bubble of "what other people think" if your child rearing decisions are based on what you think others expect of you. I promise that that way lies the crazymaking!
I felt sorry for the people who seemed overly intent on my decisions — it seems like it's likely insecurity on their part. Then again, if there was an issue that I couldn't seem to get a handle on, I'd look around and see what other people did, read up on it, try a few things and see what worked — for MY kid. And then that's what we did. It didn't matter what other people thought.
Jen,
I don't know how to explain this to you any better. First, it is not about what you DID. It is about someone saying on a national newsmagazine website that sleeping together in the same bed is THE ONLY NATURAL WAY TO PARENT. Subtext: If you don't do it that way, you are not being natural and probably you are insufficient bonded.
Or as I said women who are told that letting their kids cry in the CARSEAT will damage their brains. That's toxic. It is incredibly toxic, in fact.
Congrats to you for being past all that, but women like me who are going back to work etc. are under this pressure. We just are. Maybe the landscape has changed since you were a parent.
And yes, compared to breastfeeding etc., that is old.
Shandra —
You need to have some courage in yourself! Mothers and fathers have worked for centuries. Children have been cared for at home and away from home.
My husband's grandmother remembers being told that she would permanently damage her first son if she picked him up when he cried. That first son is in his mid-70s now and was a lovely and successful human being.
There are ALWAYS current fads that are the only thing that is going to save your child. There are always current dangers that are more dangerous than any dangers before.
Do you feel this way about your eating as well? Same sort of situation — last year's wonder food is this year's horror story and next year's forgotten controversy.
Are your kids generally healthy, happy, growing and learning? If so, then you're doing enough right things and have a good head on your shoulders and don't need to listen to "someone" in a newsmagazine!
Thanks Jen, I do know how it works. I appreciate the supportive note in your comment to me personally.
But I don't think that negates that certain AP advocates have shamed women and used media as their platform to pass judgment on things like bottles and strollers. It does make me sad because I think AP is a perfectly fine parenting method (in moderation as with anything). But that's not enough for these advocates.
I think Time had a legitimate story. Their tagline was provocative and not my favourite. But I think people are piling on Time because it prevents having to look at what the piece actually said. I also thought the response at Forbes was really good.
I don't really lack courage. In fact I would say that one reason the call to "end the mommy wars" rankles with me is that it is in part the mommy wars (although there are some good comments on here about privilege etc.) are about women's voices, and stomping on them is about silencing women. I don't see a problem with a woman saying that the expectation that you will nurse a toddler on demand, extending your time as food source to 7, 9, 10 years if you have multiple children, could have a really big impact on you economically. Or if cosleeping doesn't work and you're tired, it is okay to put your sleep needs first.
To be clear, I have done both, so I'm not saying the practices are uniformly bad. But they should be able to be discussed. Calling for everyone to just shut up already isn't very nice.
**Calling for everyone to just shut up already isn’t very nice.**
I don't see her calling for an end to discussion or opinions. I see her calling for an end to shaming and ridiculous claims that there is ONE right way to raise a child and that if you don't do it that exact way you've ruined the child and probably didn't love them.
It's extreme views that make for good stories in magazines — whether it's about kids or terrorists or the environment or obesity or… But, we don't have to buy into that extreme view and can choose to have a reasonable debate that recognizes different choices may have equal value. If the other side doesn't want that and instead wants screaming and hair pulling, well, heck yeah, I'm going to give that a pass!
Katie, This is why I come back to your writing. I often disagree with you but you always make me think, and I continue to admire your willingness to admit when you have regrets or plan to change course in your development as a mother and writer. I love what you've proposed. I want one of the tee shirts.
Oh and here's a good example of why I don't think you are a hypocrite. You were and still are as far as I know the person who called Dr. Sears out for his financial interest in infant formula sales. I remember reading this years ago and was able to find it.
<a href="http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:cLP9sBuTI8QJ :www.php1.salonplanet.com/2001/01/25/formula_3/singleton/+granju+dr+sears+sellout&cd=3&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&client=safari” target=”_blank”>http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=ca…” target=”_blank”>:www.php1.salonplanet.com/2001/01/25/formula_3/singleton/+granju+dr+sears+sellout&cd=3&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&client=safari
Again I often disagree with your position on issues Katie but your integrity has always impressed me.
As a mother of two young children, I wish people would simply focus on loving their children, respecting them as individuals, and teaching them to treat others as they themselves wish to be treated. Ultimately, I do not believe that there's a "right" or "wrong" way to feed, diaper, sleep, or work/stay home. Parents need to do what is best for both themselves and their children. For most mothers, the goal is the same: to raise kind, hardworking, honorable human beings. How we get there is a private decision and not really one that's anyone else's business.
I truly believe that the Mommy Wars are a ridiculous smokescreen to distract women from the real issues we should be concerned about, like the fact that we are a country whose government policies are unsupportive of women and children from soup to nuts. No mandatory paid maternity leave or sick leave, no universal health care, underfunded public schools… And the list goes on. Instead of allowing politicians and the media to manipulate us into fighting over breast milk, we should band together to fight for the issues that actually MATTER.
AMEN! I would have been able to BF my infant son much longer if I did not have to go back to work within six weeks of his birth. Even the short term disability insurance that I PAY FOR will only allow me a 70% salary for FIVE WEEKS.
When I saw the Time cover I just felt tired. I've resisted the impulse to react because this is just breathtakingly obvious baiting and I refuse to be their chump.
Sign me up for your movement. I will do my best to respond to those spoiling for a fight with resounding silence. That includes the handful of logic-challenged finger pointers above.
I felt grossed out and sorry for the kid.
I'll admit that was my gut response as well. But I then had an interesting conversation with myself about the topic. In the end I decided that I was no longer grossed out but still sorry for the kid, but only after some serious thought and thinking about kids I've worked with. Parents who reshape social norms are often excellent parents who raise terrific kids, but this is not one of those social norms in my opinion. Which is just that — my opinion.
I just didn't understand why the mother would allow them to be photographed in such a way?…If she is breast feeding him still for the comfort factor as she explained in anohter article I read, then why not photograph it in that setting, cuddling and comforting him. Surely he doesn't get the step stool out when he wants to nurse. She sensationalized it herself for even allowing it to be displayed that way.
As a mother of two young children, I wish people would simply focus on loving their children, respecting them as individuals, and teaching them to treat others as they themselves wish to be treated. Ultimately, I do not believe that there's a "right" or "wrong" way to feed, diaper, sleep, or work/stay home. Parents need to do what is best for both themselves and their children. For most mothers, the goal is the same: to raise kind, hardworking, honorable human beings. How we get there is a private decision and not really one that's anyone else's business.
To follow up on my previous comment, I truly believe that the Mommy Wars are a ridiculous smokescreen to distract women from the real issues we should be concerned about, like the fact that we are a country whose government policies are unsupportive of women and children from soup to nuts. No mandatory paid maternity leave or sick leave, no universal health care, underfunded public schools… And the list goes on. Instead of allowing politicians and the media to manipulate us into fighting over breast milk, we should band together to fight for the issues that actually MATTER.
Well said! I agree.
So now that Katie has declared a cease fire in the "mommywars" how many of you ladies are willing to declare a cease fire in the ongoing war on your husbands, sons, brothers and fathers? Will you take notice when the college campuses go from 60% female to 70%? When more and more men refuse to marry? When you can't find a husband who has your own educational and career status?
So far, every thing I see on "attachment parenting" should more properly be called "attachment mothering", because it's a pathology common to mothers, not fathers. Dennis Prager once said that we live at a time when what men and boys do naturally is considered unfortunate at best. Boys, from the time they are toddlers, are constantly socialized to restrain their natural inclinations regarding sex and violence. Male humans are, after all, more promiscuous and violent than female humans. Girls, however, are never told that they any of their natural inclinations have negative sides. What women and girls do naturally is considered, well, natural, and normal (and good too). So female humans are rarely socialized to restrain their natural impulses to manipulate and control.
After two or three generations of feminism and an increasingly feminized society, it's not surprising that women would try to one up each other over who is a more complete mother (women are just as competitive as men, they just compete differently – men are usually either alphas or betas, but women have an exquisitely precise pecking order, men don't have "frienemies"), with the measurement being who has the strongest uncut umbilical cord with their kids.
I don't agree with your whole comment but I do agree that AP as it is often presented does cut the dad out, and it is a shame. As a wife to an amazing dad and a mother of sons I can't get behind that at all.
You make some valid points. I was just going to post that this really isn't all some made up thing by the media or money-grubbing companies, that women can be very very critical and judgmental of each other, particularly in our younger years. It saddens me to read and hear women making comments about each other that start out with "bitch……", even in a "joking" way; can you imagine how a woman would react if a man started a conversation with them or talked about them in that way? Someone posted earlier that one of the benefits of aging is they are no longer strongly opinionated about such things as how to raise children, etc. I also find that to be true. But back in the day, if I'm very honest, I did feel somewhat superior to those women who bottle fed or worked outside the home. Not proud of it, but there it is. I had all sorts of opinions on many topics. Now I know that opinions are fine, but they are just that, opinions. Have them, but hold them very very loosely. I think we're all (women and men) insecure and afraid when it comes to parenting. What we do affects our children, and none of us want to make mistakes. And we don't get do overs, so no wonder it is so frightening. As Anna Quindlen wisely wrote years ago, parenting involves a lot of by the seat of your pants, making it up as you go along, hoping for the best times. What is effective for one child won't be for another; what is one child's best interest might not be for the next. There is no magic formula or one size fits all, one way is best when it comes to this, or probably for anything. The old adage, live and let live, is still a good one.
I like the description of AP as 'pathology'. It's truly not about what the child wants or needs (it's unnatural to nurse a child that long), it's about the mom's ego.
M
It's the furthest thing from unnatural to breast feed a toddler. There have been several anthropological studies in the last century mentioning weaning ages in indigenous cultures ranging from 2-6 years of age. I do NOT think that this means EVERYONE should nurse their kid until kindergarten, just pointing out the facts.
Sorry for the repeat comments–clearly my iPhone is going a little crazy!
I've noticed the "mommies" are always more than happy to put their differences aside and bury their hatchets in women without children.
While you're all patting yourselves on the back for being better than barren women, please remember not all childless women have chosen that life; ask yourselves why you need to contribute to their pain by heaping them with scorn.
Thank you.
I'm sorry you feel women with kids have been unkind. I was never able to have a baby, and I agree, it was NOT easy to live with people's comments and assumptions. But I didn't notice that any particular "type" of mother was more unkind or thoughtless than another, though.
Rock on Kate! Best thing you've written in a while and that's saying something. Sharing on FB.
It's a GOOD thing that Katie has decided not to participate in the "mommywars" being urged by prominent media outlets.
I am, however, put in the mind of the bit of Scripture that admonishes us to "render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, but render unto God that which is God's".
The "mommywars" are just one facet of the attempt by our would-be masters to manipulate us into rendering unto Caesar that which is properly God's.
I wonder how long it will take others– particularly those whose politics are of a leftish bent– to begin waking up like Katie has, and start acting from conscience, not from adherence to some Plan advanced by any political faction.
Hale Adams
Pikesville, People's Democratic Republic of Maryland
Can you explain a little more what you mean my that, Hale?
If Time had never done the piece the mommywars would yet still have raged unabated this week on the battlefields of playgrounds, playgroups, pools, backyards, carpools and pinterest. Katie would ask us to become non-combatants, but mommyblogs provide steady ammunition of condescension for all sides.
Katie is the only attachment parenting advocate whose views have evolved in a thoughtful way over the years and she deserves credit for that. The others simply fell off the map in the 13 years since her book was released except William Sears. Katie kept writing and sharing her parenting journey as it's gone along and I for one have very much appreciated that.
Sooo tired of the "mommywars;" our energies are better spent advocating for paid family leave for all new parents/family caregivers, better maternal and neonatal health in this country, better funding and support of public education, and helping the unemployed and underemployed get back to work. If you're able to consider "choices" like staying home, versus working from home, versus working outside the home, you're among a very elite segment of our society (and I'm a part of this group myself–I work part-time outside the home and spend lots of time caring for my three year-old son. I'm married to a man who works full-time as a professor of geology at a public university). Judging other parents is just not productive in the least.
Katie, you have proven again how you bend facts just to make a profit. You cannot have it both ways. It is lame that you cannot see what a hypocrate you are.
Yes. Thank you for doing this.
Not referring to your book, Katie, or to anyone who is an attachment parent proponent, just using those terms: many of us who have raised kids these last 30 years have taken attachment parenting way too far. So many of us with "kids" in their 20s, 30s, 40s still figuratively sucking at the parental teat. That cover could be tacked up on a lot of bulletin boards of parents I know.
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