And although she appears to have brown eyes instead of blue, she looks pretty much exactly like big sister C as a newborn.

(And she has notably looooong fingers and toes, just like Henry)

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I love this boy.

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After that, only a few weeks later, her baby sister was born at only 35 weeks . G’s early birth by c-section meant that I spent 5 days in the hospital with the new baby, once again separated from C, who is still a baby herself. It’s just been far too much for anyone to handle, much less a toddler. Now, finally, C is not holding it together so well. She’s understandably showing the strain of everything our family has been through since last October.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s exceptionally sweet directly toward her baby sister. It’s toward the REST of us that she’s is showing her frustration. For the first time ever, she’s kicking and hitting at her cousins, her older siblings and at Jon and me. She’s throwing real, honest to goodness temper tantrums for the first time. She’s whining like crazy (although that’s starting to let up some). She’s just REALLY, REALLY mad and she’s obviously finally letting off some pent-up steam – some very, very pent-up steam.

My sister pointed out the other day that I was being too snappish with her when she melts down, so I am now trying much harder to be as gentle and understanding as I can be. Jon and I are also working hard to normalize her daily routine after so much uncertainty and being shuffled around in recent months. But she just doesn’t have the words or the emotional resources to explain to us how stressed she’s been, so falling apart is all she can do. Dealing with her tantrums and anger have been trying for the rest of us in the family in the past two weeks, but I hope that finally letting it all out is giving her some relief. I am very proud of how sweet and patient E and J are being with her, even when she’s being really cranky with them.

Henry (age 3) was really furious when J came home from the hospital. He developed a weird nervous tic for several months and for a short time, he literally refused to look at me or speak to me any time I was holding his little sister. After about a month or so, he fell in love with her and after that, they were always as close as two siblings could be. Then, both Henry (age 6 at the time) and J (age 2) were just thrilled when E was born. They never showed any stress to speak of. The three of them became a tight unit for the next decade. My three babies – for many years, I never imagined there would be a fourth or a fifth!

I have to admit that I was REALLY worried when C was born in 2007 because she was a newcomer to that threesome of siblings who were now 15, 12 and 9 years old. During my pregnancy with C, Henry and J were not happy AT ALL that I was having a new baby. In fact, all three musketeers were incredibly embarrassed at the idea that their mom was having a baby NINE YEARS after the last baby joined the family. Henry was flat out angry about it – something about which I felt terribly guilty at the time. Once C arrived, however, J and E were immediately smitten with their little sister. It took Henry a while to come around. But once C could babble and reach for him, he began to melt; he totally fell for his baby sister. And she was just nuts about Henry. C loved him very much.

Now we’ve brought G home only 34 months after C joined our family (yes, she is definitely our last)… And Henry is gone – he just missed his newest baby sister in this time zone. But I know they will see one another again, and I like to think that they were together before she was born. On the day Henry died, I sat on his bed with his feet and legs in my lap and felt G kick against them, through my very pregnant belly. On that day, the two of them were connecting physically for the first and only time. As their mother, this was both beautiful and terrible for me to experience, but they touched each other. That will always be meaningful to me.

But back to poor C….she’s just completely overwhelmed at the moment.

Did your toddler melt down when a new baby came home? Tell me about it and tell me how you helped him or her through the transition. I’d love to hear from others who have dealt with their own Very Angry Toddler.

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Elliot was thrilled to meet his new baby sister for the first time. He wanted to hold her and look at her all evening. He also gave her a plaque with her name on it that he made in woodshop at camp – in PINK, no less Now that’s a good big brother.

It was just wonderful for me to have all four of the children home together for the first time since G’s birth. But it also made me very sad because we were missing Henry. But I know he was there with us in love.

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Now, whenever I slip and refer to one of them by Henry’s name instead of the right name, it feels like a kick in the solar plexus. But then today I realized that there may come a time when I don’t do that anymore – when his name doesn’t naturally come to my lips like that as one of my children’s names. And that realization hurts even worse.

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E plays, wearing his big brother’s hat. He likes wearing Henry’s t-shirts and hats. He wore one of Henry’s hats throughout the memorial service. Now that we have the piano, I hope to get E started with lessons very soon.

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It’s hard to believe he’s such a tough guy on the lacrosse and football fields

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I had a good long talk with my doctor yesterday. General anesthesia appears to be out barring an emergency (Please, PLEASE God, no emergencies, okay? Thanks! Katie) He just doesn’t feel like the risks are worth it. But I can have a planned c-section with a spinal and a lot of medicine that makes me feel like I am in happy, happy land until it’s over. We are tentatively planning to do the c-section during the week of July 12-15.

Now that I have an actual due week, my need to get ready for the baby is really starting to push and pull at me. We’ve still done nothing. All of my emotional and logistical energy is focused on Henry, and on the needs of J, C and E, who are struggling to come to terms with their terrible, terrible loss. I am in full mothering overdrive for them. And I return to work on Monday.

But I need to start this “gresting” at some point. Baby G deserves not to be an afterthought to a tragedy but to be welcomed as the unque blessing that she is. I know that intellectually, but it’s hard to fiure out how to break through the fog and the pain and the investigation and everything else to make it happen. And I need to get E ready for camp before he leaves on Sunday.

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C loved her big brother very much. I think she understood him.

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