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After that, only a few weeks later, her baby sister was born at only 35 weeks . G’s early birth by c-section meant that I spent 5 days in the hospital with the new baby, once again separated from C, who is still a baby herself. It’s just been far too much for anyone to handle, much less a toddler. Now, finally, C is not holding it together so well. She’s understandably showing the strain of everything our family has been through since last October.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s exceptionally sweet directly toward her baby sister. It’s toward the REST of us that she’s is showing her frustration. For the first time ever, she’s kicking and hitting at her cousins, her older siblings and at Jon and me. She’s throwing real, honest to goodness temper tantrums for the first time. She’s whining like crazy (although that’s starting to let up some). She’s just REALLY, REALLY mad and she’s obviously finally letting off some pent-up steam – some very, very pent-up steam.

My sister pointed out the other day that I was being too snappish with her when she melts down, so I am now trying much harder to be as gentle and understanding as I can be. Jon and I are also working hard to normalize her daily routine after so much uncertainty and being shuffled around in recent months. But she just doesn’t have the words or the emotional resources to explain to us how stressed she’s been, so falling apart is all she can do. Dealing with her tantrums and anger have been trying for the rest of us in the family in the past two weeks, but I hope that finally letting it all out is giving her some relief. I am very proud of how sweet and patient E and J are being with her, even when she’s being really cranky with them.

Henry (age 3) was really furious when J came home from the hospital. He developed a weird nervous tic for several months and for a short time, he literally refused to look at me or speak to me any time I was holding his little sister. After about a month or so, he fell in love with her and after that, they were always as close as two siblings could be. Then, both Henry (age 6 at the time) and J (age 2) were just thrilled when E was born. They never showed any stress to speak of. The three of them became a tight unit for the next decade. My three babies – for many years, I never imagined there would be a fourth or a fifth!

I have to admit that I was REALLY worried when C was born in 2007 because she was a newcomer to that threesome of siblings who were now 15, 12 and 9 years old. During my pregnancy with C, Henry and J were not happy AT ALL that I was having a new baby. In fact, all three musketeers were incredibly embarrassed at the idea that their mom was having a baby NINE YEARS after the last baby joined the family. Henry was flat out angry about it – something about which I felt terribly guilty at the time. Once C arrived, however, J and E were immediately smitten with their little sister. It took Henry a while to come around. But once C could babble and reach for him, he began to melt; he totally fell for his baby sister. And she was just nuts about Henry. C loved him very much.

Now we’ve brought G home only 34 months after C joined our family (yes, she is definitely our last)… And Henry is gone – he just missed his newest baby sister in this time zone. But I know they will see one another again, and I like to think that they were together before she was born. On the day Henry died, I sat on his bed with his feet and legs in my lap and felt G kick against them, through my very pregnant belly. On that day, the two of them were connecting physically for the first and only time. As their mother, this was both beautiful and terrible for me to experience, but they touched each other. That will always be meaningful to me.

But back to poor C….she’s just completely overwhelmed at the moment.

Did your toddler melt down when a new baby came home? Tell me about it and tell me how you helped him or her through the transition. I’d love to hear from others who have dealt with their own Very Angry Toddler.

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Jon is asleep on the fold out sleeper chair next to my hospital bed, and G is snoozing in the little bassinet on the other side – which explains why I haven’t yet slept. You see, the hospital where I gave birth  doesn’t allow newborns to stay in the room if both parents are asleep. In order for the baby to stay and not be taken to the well-baby nursery, at least one adult has to be awake – with lights on – at all times. And since Jon is asleep, I am fighting sleep myself because even though I’m sure they would take excellent care of her in the nursery, I don’t like being away from her. I know that I’m going to have to cave in soon, though. Even the post-birth euphoria that’s kept me awake this long can’t last much longer.

Since I am exhausted and feeling spacy, I probably can’t manage a truly organized and coherent blog post, so here are some odds and ends from our first 24 hours since G arrived:

• For those who have asked or are curious, yes, I did have a c-section.  My labor went from Braxton Hicks contractions to REALLY strong contractions in just a few hours. Brethine and stadol failed to stop or even slow down the contractions.  So for several reasons ( I will write a longer birth story later), including the fact that G was transverse breech and the very powerful, nonstop contractions were stressing my previous c-section scar, my doctor advised us to go ahead and have a c-section. Forty five minutes later – at 11:45 pm last night, G arrived via a relatively uneventful surgery.

• G was technically 34 weeks gestation when she was born. She would have been 35 weeks if she had made it to midnight before her delivery.

• She weighed 5 lbs and 7.5 ounces and was 18 inches long. She’s TEENSY. But unlike some babies who come early (including C, who was born at 36 weeks in 2007), she doesn’t look undercooked or like a preemie. Instead she just looks like a miniature, perfectly formed china doll, with sweet little features and quite a bit of wavy, very blonde hair. She is GORGEOUS.

• She needed a bit of supplemental oxygen for a few hours after birth, so Jon and I had to wait to have her with us until 3-4 am in the morning after the c-section. She’s been breathing wonderfully since then. That’s great news because at 34-35 weeks, we weren’t sure how her lungs would be. We’re really lucky.

• That’s the good news. The bad news is that like many late-term premature babies, she is veeeeery sleepy and her sucking reflex is underdeveloped. So breastfeeding is not going well (understatement).  She and I are really struggling to get nursing going.  Even for me -  someone who has successfully breastfed several other children, and who has helped lots of other women get started nursing their babies – this is really a challenging situation.  She’s simply too tired to latch on and actually eat.  And making matters more complicated, she also has had issues with unstable body temperature and blood sugar levels (both also common problems for late term preemies). So we have to get calories into her.  It’s crucial. Without energy, she can’t wake up enough to nurse. It’s a vicious cycle. At one point today, we were warned that if we didn’t see some improvement in her feeding and blood sugar,  she might have to be sent to the special care nursery for a day or three to get things stabilized. The thought of being separated from her in an acute care hospital setting was REALLY upsetting to me.  So I broke down and explained to the nurse who had taken her blood sugar about recently losing Henry, and she was absolutely wonderful. She told me she would do whatever she could to help us get the blood sugar issue turned around – and she did.  This nurse spent the next 45 minutes showing me how to use my finger plus a syringe (to avoid nipple confusion while she;s learning to breastfeed) to get a mix of my pumped milk plus high calorie formula into G’s little tummy. An hour later, her blood sugar reading was the best it had been all day. And since that time, this nurse’s technique has allowed me to keep her well-fed enough to stay out of the NICU.  She still isn’t really getting enough, and I’m still not half as good at it as that nurse is, but we’re hanging in there. I also keep G skin to skin as much as possible to keep her temperature up, and so I can try to nurse her every time she looks even remotely awake enough. Unfortunately, I really wasn’t able to get her to latch on even one time today. But I think that if I just keep trying as she grows and becomes more awake, we will eventually get there.  Between the pumping, the nursing attempts and the finger-plus-syringe feedings, keeping her fed is a very time consuming proposition at this point. Her weight is now at 5lbs 4ozs, so she hasn’t lost too much. That’s good. Tomorrow I hope to get a clearer idea from the pediatrician of how her feeding will have to look in order for her to go home (I am hoping for Thursday at the latest).

• Today J (staying with her dad and stepmom while I am hospitalized)  and C (staying with Jon’s wonderful parents) both came to meet their new baby sister for the first time. It was magical for me to see each of my girls with G, and to realize that I am now the lucky mother of THREE beautiful daughters. J came to the hospital with two of her best friends, and I loved seeing the big girls oohing and aahing over G. J seemed so proud, and loved holding her new baby sister. C came into the room yelling “where is my baby sister!?” and was absolutely THRILLED to finally meet Georgia. She couldn’t keep her hands off of her, but I could tell that she is also a little stressed. We’ve had so much happening in our family lately, and she’s had to spend more time away from her mama than any two year old should. But her grandparents are so amazing and she is so close to them that I think she is mostly doing okay. Still, I can’t wait to get home, get the kids home, and try to settle in as the radically reconfigured family that we are.

• E still doesn’t know that G was born last night! I tried several times today to get him on the phone at camp but wasn’t successful because he was out hiking all day. I think we now have a plan where he’ll be calling me first thing in the morning so I can tell him. He is going to be SO EXCITED.  (He will probably be equally excited to hear about the surprise baby guinea pigs)

• G’s other hospital visitors today included Aunt Betsy, cousins E, M and NC and  Uncle Robert and Aunt Nicole, plus cousins A, H and N (their J is away at camp as well, so he wasn’t here).  Dr. Neighbor also came, along with the Hickman grandparents, plus C and M (who are Henry, J and E’s father and stepmother). It was a busy day. All agreed that G is an absolutely beautiful baby who radiates a peaceful, warm vibe that puts a smile on everyone’s face. She’s a special baby; we all sense it.

• Today was an amazing day for me. Starting last night, while I was lying on the operating table just before the c-section, I sensed Henry’s actual presence with me for the very first time since his death. And he’s remained with me all day today, encouraging me to fall in love with his new baby sister, born two months to the day after he was first admitted to the hospital.  When I hold G in my arms, I feel Henry with me in a really intense way.  It’s extremely comforting and has brought me a level of peace with the loss of my son that I hadn’t experienced even one bit before G’s birth. It’s been an extremely emotionally intense 24 hours, and I love Henry even more than I did before.

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And Henry is gone.

That accounts for my whole family, so I am alone at home for the week, except for the hours I am at work. I am actually kind of glad to have the time all by myself to think and be sad and write, but I do miss everyone. Especially Henry. The house is very, very quiet. (Before anyone worries about me saying I am alone in the house on the interwebs, I will add that I am alone BUT FOR my giant, male Great Pyrenees dog, Leo, who doesn’t like people who aren’t supposed to be near the house coming near the house, and I have the alarm system turned on when I am here and when I am not, so….)

Here are some photos Jon sent me of C in South Carolina yesterday. She – like everyone on my side of the family, particularly us girls – absolutely loooooves the beach.

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J on her church group mission trip this week. (She got home last night and BOY was I glad to see her.)

E, with cousin M at Edisto Island, which is where the kids received the news that Henry had left us, Their father and stepmother (compliments of a dear, dear friend who has a company plane and is generous beyond words) flew them down to tell the children (I am too pregnant to fly) and then they all stayed together in the house my family had rented for vacation before all of this happened, letting the kids play with cousins and be loved on by various aunts and uncles before flying back together the day before Henry’s memorial service. Edisto has always been a special place to me, my kids and my family. Now it will be even more special. I hope to scatter some of Henry’s ashes there later this year or next summer. He loved it there very much.

Here are E and cousin M playing in the fountains in downtown Knoxville yesterday. The fountain drenching was part of a guys’ day that Jon had with them which if I understood correctly included Laser Tag, hot wings, fountains, Chucky Cheese and going to see the new Karate Kid movie. Basically my idea of a day from hell.

E fell alseep as soon as he got home. He was tiiiired. Today he leaves for sleepaway camp – the same camp Henry attended and loved (as well as lots of other family members).

Can you tell that their father and I, and stepparents (and aunts and uncles and dear friends) are trying to keep the kids busy, active and yet surrounded by a lot of support and love at the same time? It’s hard to know how we are doing in helping them through these early stages of their grief. Hell, it’s hard to know how I am getting through these early stages of my grief. (Is there sleepaway camp for hugely pregnant women who can’t stop weeping or writing?)

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Here she is (second from left) with some pals at the Picasso exhibit at The Met yesterday.

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